Heating up the Holidays

“No. I’m blaming myself. For allowing myself to-”

“To what? Feel? Care? Get involved?”

She pressed her lips together then gave a tight nod. “Yes. I don’t want…this. Whatever it is that’s happened between us.”

“Then what, exactly, do you want?”

“For my business to succeed. For the bank review to go well. Not to lose everything I’ve worked so hard for.”

“What about other than your business? What do you want for you? Your life outside Blooming Pails?”

His question clearly brought her up short. She blinked, hesitated, then frowned, and he wished like hell he knew what she was thinking. Finally, she said, “For right now I don’t have a life outside Blooming Pails. I failed at my last career and I’ll be damned if I’ll fail at this one.”

“You didn’t fail at being a firefighter, Toni. Firefighting failed you.”

“Maybe. But I still feel as if I have something to prove. To myself. That I can be successful on my own. And to my family, who, as I told you, in spite of their love for me, on some level wants me to fail here so I’ll come home to them and the family business. Which I refuse to do. Which means I can’t afford any more mistakes. Or distractions. Which means there can’t be any more me and you. It’s too much. Too fast. Too soon.”

He pulled in a slow breath, then said quietly, “You know, I wasn’t looking for this, either. But I’m willing to play the hand I was dealt here. I’m willing to make the time to find a way to make this work.”

“Which is where we differ, because for right now, I’m not willing. I just can’t.”

A muscle ticked in his clenched jaw. “You mean you won’t.”

“All right, I won’t. I have too much at stake, too much riding on the success of my business. The bank review is only three months away. I need to keep my priorities straight. This mess…” she waved her hand to encompass the multitude of arrangements she was working on “…happened because I didn’t.”

“So you turn off your feelings, just like that,” he said, his voice tight. “Or are you prepared to look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t have any for me?”

Her already pale face went a shade whiter, and finally something flickered in her eyes. But instead of the warmth and caring he’d hoped to see, it was regret. “I…Of course I like you. You’re…a great guy.”

He stood frozen in place. “But…?”

“But the timing isn’t right for me. I’m sorry, but I can’t be with you, with anyone, right now.”

“Not right now?” His anger and frustration came through in his clipped words. “Then when, Toni? When will it be convenient for you?”

“I-I don’t know. I need time-”

“How much time? Two weeks? A month? Three months? After the bank review? Or will you tack on a few more months after that?

Resentment flashed in her eyes. “You’re pressuring me.”

“Maybe you need to be pressured.”

“No, I don’t. As for a time frame, I simply don’t know. All I do know is that I’m not prepared to continue our… whatever you want to call it now. And naturally I don’t expect you to wait around until I figure out when I might be ready.”

Anger and hurt warred inside him. The determined look in her eyes made it clear there was no point in arguing further. “So that’s it. You don’t want us to see each other anymore.”

“It’s for the best.”

A humorless sound escaped him. Best for her, obviously. At least he hadn’t admitted the depth of his feelings to her. Hadn’t made that big an ass out of himself.

“I…I’m sorry, Brad. I hope you understand.”

“Don’t worry. You’ve made yourself perfectly clear.” Throat tight, he nodded toward the counter. “Guess you’d better get back to work, and I need to get to the station. Merry Christmas, Toni.” Yeah. Merry damn Christmas.

Without waiting for a reply, he pulled open the door and quickly strode toward his pickup, feeling…gutted. How was it possible to feel so angry and so numb at the same time? And how long would it take to repair a broken heart?

He already knew the answer. It was going to take a damn long time.

ON CHRISTMAS MORNING, Toni woke up in her old room at her parents’ house and stared at the skeins of sunlight peeking through the curtains. The muted sounds of breakfast filtered up the stairs, the coffee grinder humming, her mother’s and grandmother’s voices. Probably they were arguing over whether to brew decaf or regular. Or whether the eggs should be scrambled or fried. She pictured her dad, sitting in his favorite chair, working a crossword puzzle, oblivious to the disagreement taking place no more than ten feet away from him.

With a sigh, she sat up on the edge of the mattress then pushed back the tangle of flattened curls clinging to her face. She didn’t need a mirror to know she looked like roadkill. Which was really only fitting as she felt like roadkill. Actually, she felt like the potholed, weather-scarred, oil-stained street underneath the squashed, rotting roadkill.

Setting her elbows on her knees, she rested her dully aching head in her hands and closed her eyes. And found herself fighting to hold back the tears that had threatened to spill over ever since Brad had walked out of Blooming Pails and her life yesterday morning. For there was no doubt he was gone from her life for good. The look on his face when she’d told him she didn’t expect him to wait around for her was branded on her brain. That combination of anger and hurt made it clear he had no intention of waiting around. Or of bothering with her again.

Toni tried to summon annoyance at herself for feeling so weepy-it was ridiculous. She was glad he was gone. She’d wanted him to go. She’d made the right decision. The last thing she needed right now was a distracting man. He’d pressured her with invitations to meet his family and to put an end date on how much time she needed. Her concerns about her business and the potentially damaging mistake she’d made were reasonable and dammit, he’d been unreasonable. And to top it all off, he was a firefighter. Although she honestly hadn’t given much thought to his occupation over the last few days.

So, if she’d made the right decision, why did she feel so…wrong? So…numb?

So devastated.

Exhaustion, obviously. Yesterday, after fulfilling Saint Mary’s order-with an entire four minutes to spare before the church van arrived-she’d endured a hectic day at the shop. Yet in spite of the busy whirlwind, Brad had never left her thoughts. So that’s it. You don’t want us to see each other anymore. She’d never forget the shattering sense of loss that had hit her when he’d walked away. There could be no doubt he’d cared for her. And had wanted to continue their…whatever it was. Friendship. Relationship. Sexual escapades.

She squeezed her eyes tighter shut. She’d gone to their first “little dinner” anticipating one night of no-strings sex. But somehow, some way, in spite of her not wanting it to, their time together had turned into more than just sex. Are you prepared to look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t have any feelings for me…

She hadn’t been able to. Had admitted she liked him-

A bitter sound that was half laugh, half sob escaped her. Liked him? God, she should be handed an Academy Award for delivering that line with a straight face. Like was an incredibly tepid word to describe the maelstrom of feelings Brad inspired in her. Feelings that she wanted, needed to forget. Feelings she despaired of being able to forget. If only she’d met him six months, a year from now. Once Blooming Pails was established and her stomach wasn’t tied in knots over bank evaluations. Of course, she didn’t doubt for an instant that in six months he’d have someone else. Some other extremely lucky woman. A woman Toni already hated. The thought of him touching someone else filled her with a despair she could only describe as agonizing. And the thought of another man touching her simply didn’t compute.

The sound of dishes clanging and raised female voices intermixed with Italian words reached her ears and she groaned. How she was going to face another big family dinner today she didn’t know. Last night’s had just about done her in. In spite of her best efforts to act cheerfully, her mother, sister and Nana Rose all had zeroed in on her