“You think I didn’t see that same look in your eyes whenever Tony came around the house? From the time you were eleven, twelve years old? I should have told you that you were gay then and saved you the soul- searching.”
She took my face in her hands. “Baby. That kind of love, it’s not always a good thing, you know? We al think, ‘wow, love.’” She widened her eyes comical y.
“The movies tel us love is such a great thing that we can’t have too much. But you know what? You can. You real y can love someone too much. That kind of love can kil you, you know?”
I nodded.
“I saw what you went through the first time with Tony. Flow you suffered. Oh, I saw it al. You think a mother doesn’t know?”
She put her hand on her heart. “A mother knows, Kevin. Whatever pain you’ve felt in your life, I’ve felt double-triple.
“I don’t want to see you hurt that way again.”
That makes two of us, I thought. “I know, Mom. I’l be careful.”
“You’l be a lot of things,” my mother said, “but you won’t be careful.
“You see, I know you think I’m a crazy lady. But why do you think I’m here? Because I love that old man I’ve been married to for forty years so much that I refuse-refuse! — to share him with anyone else.
“When he wooed me-oy, he was the most romantic man I’d ever known. At night, after my parents had gone to bed, he’d throw pebbles at the window to wake me. Then he’d sing to me, love songs, and I’d yel down ‘shhh!’ but he wouldn’t listen.
Final y, we’d see the lights go on in my parents’ room, and he’d run away, and I’d be standing there by the open window thinking I wished I could just go down and run off with him.
“I know what it is to love too much, Kevin. I’ve been careful with my money and careful with my children, but I’ve never been careful with my heart.
“Not even once.
“And I think, maybe in that way, you’re a little more like your mother than you know.”
I don’t think that I’ve ever heard my mother talk so honestly. If I weren’t so fucking happy at that moment, it might even have sunk in. But as it was, her words fel on me like rain on hot pavement, there for just a moment before evaporating into the air.
I kissed her on the cheek. “Thanks for caring, Mom. I love you. But I have to go. Freddy’s waiting for me.”
“There’s another one waiting?” she asked.
“You know Freddy,” I said. “We’ve been friends forever. There’s nothing between us.” Wel, nothing worth mentioning, I added to myself.
“Whatever. Just mark my words-don’t let that Tony Rinaldi break your heart. Although,” she added mischievously, “he does have a great tush.”
CHAPTER 17
I took a quick shower, threw on my cutest underwear (black N2N square cut with a generous pouch), cargo shorts, a white tank top, and high-top sneakers and grabbed a cab to a nondescript building in the meat packing district by Greenwich Vil age. The building had no sign but those-in-the-know knew it as Sexbar. I was twenty minutes late.
I was stil so strung out on Tony-loving that I felt I could have flown there. Which was probably why I was singing “Oh My Man I Love Him So” to myself the whole cab ride down there and why I tipped the driver ten dol ars.
“Hel o!” Freddy cried as I got out of the car. “Tardy much?” He hoisted his bag of flyers and condoms over his shoulder and walked towards me. “You know how many men have missed out on some quality AIDS education while you were off doing who knows what?”
“Sorry,” I said, trying to keep the sil y smile off my face.
“Aw, don’t worry about it.” Freddy waved his hand.
“This place won’t get busy til about midnight anyway.”
“I wore cute underwear.”
“Thattaboy,” Freddy winked and gave me thumbs up.
Then he cocked his head and squinted his eyes.
“Are you OK?”
“I’m fine,” I told him. “Let’s go in.”
He put a hand on my chest. “No, wait a minute.”
He looked me up and down quizzical y. “There’s something different. You seem a little strange.”
I tried to walk past him, but Freddy’s arm was solid like a tree trunk.
“What is it?” he said, more to himself than to me.
“It’s nothing. Come on, you said it yourself, we have work to do.”
“Not so fast, Junior.” He brought his face close enough to mine that I could feel his breath on my cheeks. “You look…” he blinked twice. “You look happy!”
I couldn’t hold it in. “I am happy!” I shouted. I grabbed him in a bear hug and, even though he had fifty pounds of muscle on me, I spun him around. I stepped back and pointed to my face. “Look! This is me! Happy!” I gave a little jump.
Freddy laughed. “I take it you got laid?”
“Royal y.”
Tony?
“Final y.”
Freddy smiled with just a touch of sadness in his eyes. “Good for you,” he said. Then, seriously, “I just hope you’re careful.”
Why was everyone tel ing me that?
“So,” he whispered conspiratorial y, “how was it?”
“It was,” I said, “worth waiting for.”
“You haven’t exactly been waiting.” Freddy grinned.
I smiled back and forgave him for not knowing what I myself hadn’t realized until just hours ago: I real y had been.
And now the waiting was over.
By 1:00 in the morning, my ass had been patted about a hundred times, my nipples pinched half that much, and my crotch groped by a handful of especial y stoned or brazen customers of Sexbar.
Which, by the way, was not a bar at al but a series of hal ways with some large carpeted rooms, a few smal er ones with seating, and about fifty smal cubicles with doors that ended two feet above the floor like the doors of a men’s changing room, where two (or three, if they were smal or limber enough) interested parties could retire for what passed for privacy.
There was also a snack room that served soft drinks but no alcohol, which is where Freddy and I stood in our underwear giving out safer-sex materials. Since we were young and cute and scantily clad, it wasn’t hard to get a guy’s attention.
“We’re almost out of goodies,” Freddy said, handing me the last of his bag’s contents. “After this we can get out of here.” An especial y handsome young man in a jockstrap walked by. “Or not.”
I handed them back. “Can you get this? If I don’t go pee right now, I’m going to wet myself.”
“Naw, that wil just get the golden shower lovers rushing over, and you know how they are-they’l never stop buying us sodas.”
“OK,” I said, “I’l be right back.”
