Another just wants to measure my inseam. Then there’s the guy who wants me to wrap him up in cel ophane and…”
“Wait!” Tony put his hand up. “I have to sit down.”
He plopped down on the couch again.
“You mean, you never have sex with these guys?”
“Wel, maybe sometimes, but it’s not real y ‘sex.’
It’s just business.”
Tony’s eyes narrowed. “I can’t believe I was starting to… what happened to you?”
“Nothing ‘happened,’” I said. “I found out that I could get five hundred dol ars for squeezing some guy’s crotch in a fancy restaurant. Plus, I get a nice dinner! I told you, it’s no big deal!”
“I just…” Tony was at a loss for words. He put his head in his hands.
I slid over and put an arm around him. “It doesn’t mean anything. It has nothing to do with this. With you.”
Tony pushed me away, angrily. “Don’t touch me!”
“Tony…”
“No, I’m serious; I can’t believe you’re a prostitute!
I arrest people like you!”
Now he was pissing me off. OK, maybe I had an unconventional line of work, but no one got hurt. Wel, not until today.
“And I get paid by people like you!” I answered.
“What ‘people like me?’”
“Supposedly straight guys who marry a woman and then screw around with boys on the side!”
“Oh, that’s just great.” Tony threw his arms in the air.
“Listen, I’m just saying that I don’t judge the choices you’ve made for your life. I don’t understand why you’re judging mine.”
“Because what you’re doing is illegal!”
“There are places where any sex between two men is il egal. Does that make it wrong?”
“You know this is different,” Tony hissed.
“I don’t do anything that injures anyone,” I said. “I probably save more marriages than I hurt.”
“Great! You’re Doctor Fucking Phil of the Whores!”
That was it. “Fuck you,” I said. “I don’t have to defend myself to you.”
“No,” Tony said, looking at me with contempt,
“save your defense for when you go to court.”
He got up and headed to the door.
“Here’s a news flash.” I shouted. “Things get tough and Tony Rinaldi gets going. Are you going to walk out on me again?”
Tony’s stare was ice. “I never should have walked back in. This was a mistake.”
As angry as I was, sadness started to seep in.
There he was, at another doorway that was about to separate us again.
This time, I figured, for the last time.
How beautiful he looked standing there, nostrils flaring, eyes narrowed, his body tense and ready for action.
My eyes wel ed with tears.
“Wait,” I said. “What if you don’t leave right now?
What if we just sit here for a minute?”
Tony looked like he wanted to hit me. But kind of like he wanted to kiss me, too. “A minute’s not going to change anything, Kevin.”
I tried to smile but my lips were trembling. “Five minutes, then.”
Tony’s expression didn’t waver, but I thought I saw a trace of sorrow in his eyes.
“This isn’t going to work, Kevin. I’m a cop, for Christ’s sake! What you’re doing is dangerous and wrong.”
“I’m bringing some joy into people’s lives,” I said.
“How is that wrong? We’re al consenting adults.”
“Wel, maybe I don’t want to be with someone who would consent to something like that.”
What could I say? “Maybe you don’t.”
Tony sighed and his shoulders relaxed. “I’m sorry, Kevin. This just isn’t something I can wrap my head around. It… disgusts me.”
Now a tear did drop down my face. “I disgust you?”
“Yes. No. I don’t know, Kevin. I just… what we did yesterday, was that just business to you, too?”
I felt like yel ing but could only croak. “No, Tony, no.” I reached a hand out to his face. “Tony, my whole life, no one else has ever touched me here.” I put my hand on my heart.
Tony brushed the tear from my cheek with his thumb. “But a lot of people have touched you everywhere else, though. Right?”
His gesture was kind but his words were cruel.
Was that how it was always going to be with Tony? Was he always going to be coming and going? Straight but gay? Loving yet hurtful?
After Tony dumped me, I spent seven years closing off my heart. Yet, when he came back into my life, I was only too ready to reopen it for him.
Maybe I was right the first time.
There’s this heartbreaking scene in The Prince of Tides where Barbra encounters Nick Nolte after he’s made the decision to dump her and return to his wife. Even though she sees him from across the street, she takes one look at him and realizes that he’s lost to her. She breaks into tears and they share a final embrace.
She doesn’t beg, she doesn’t plead.
She lets him go.
Let’s see if I could be as classy as she was.
I threw my arms around Tony and squeezed him tight. He didn’t hug back, but he didn’t pul away, either.
I wished he didn’t feel so fucking good, but there you have it.
I released him and opened the door. He looked surprised.
No more talking. The door is open, Tony. What are you going to do?
He looked at me unblinkingly for one long moment. I saw every kind of regret in his eyes.
His lips parted. I thought he was going to kiss me.
He walked out.
I closed the door, slid down to the floor, and cried myself hoarse.
After I got that out of my system, I took a long shower, put on some clean clothing, and pressed some ice against my cheek.
Truth was, my relationship with Tony died a hundred years ago. He was right. We never should have gotten back together. It was a mistake.
You can’t raise the dead.
You shouldn’t love the dead, either.
Tony was dead to me.
So was Al en.
Was that my problem? That I couldn’t let go?
If the police didn’t think Al en was murdered, maybe I should just accept it and move on.
After al, what was the point of pursuing Al en’s death? It had gotten me beaten up in a hotel room and cost me my one chance to reunite with the man who was probably the great love of my life.
That’s it, I decided, I’m through with Tony and with the Harringtons.
It was time to let the dead stay dead.
The phone rang. Tony? I thought, hating myself for wishing it was.
