'April Fool!' Jimbo said and he pushed me through the door.
I have never felt such panic: it literally closed my throat so I couldn't get any air. My heart was leaping about in my chest as I scrambled to get back outside. But they were both blocking the door. Jimbo was laughing and chortling and Corry was slapping his sides. That's when I broke Jimbo's nose. I recall wildly swinging my arm in a pitcher's circle and giving him the old one-two. I popped him square in the middle of his face and heard the small bone crack. Jimbo dropped like a sack of onions down onto his knees. Corry had stopped laughing but was still blocking the door. With a flying tackle I hit him in the chest and with one hand clawed at his eyes. I distinctly remember shouting 'Lemme out! Lemme out!' as I pounded him again and again.
'Stop it!' Corry yelled. 'You're hurt…' (I hit him) 'Stop it, you're hurting me!'
Both of us were now thrashing as we stumbled back out through the door.
Then once outside, I stopped.
When I got home that night it was my brother who opened the door.
He took one look at me all bashed up, and then he began to cry.
Different guy my brother. Then only five years old. Why'd he have to go and die?
It was later that month that I developed a fear of blood.
I recall my mother in the kitchen chopping vegetables! was at the table drawing my own comic book. It was about a superhero I called 'The Butcheress.' She wore these blue tights and a purple cape shaped a bit like Batman's. She was armed with that most sensible of weapons for today's superhero — a giant meat cleaver. I was getting very good at drawing her breasts.
I could hear the sound of the vegetables landing on the chopping board. Heads would make a sound like that when they dropped from the guillotine.
Then my mother cried out in pain and ran out of the kitchen. Holding her hand. The knife was on the cutting board with its tip stained crimson.
I ran into the bathroom after her and saw her blood all over the floor. There was the whoosh of tapwater flowing which seemed to magnify and grow into the hoarse roar of a waterfall. The room began to wobble. 'Will you get me a Band-Aid?' my mother asked as the bathroom walls swayed, as the sound of the water faded in and out, as the tiles of the floor came up to meet me and slam against the side of my head.
I came to, to find myself cradled in her arms.
She was crying (we all seemed to cry a lot that spring) and she was holding me against her, while one hand gripped her other palm still trying to stop the flow of blood as she coaxed me back to consciousness.
I loved you, Mom.
That night I awoke in my room all alone in the dark. I could hear whispering.
When I looked around there was nothing but black, black, black.
And then I saw a point of light up in the comer off to my left where two walls met the ceiling. It was this light that was whispering as it slowly, ever so slowly, began to spin in a circle. Imagine a tiny point of light on the tip of a pinwheel blade and you'll know what I mean. Round and round and round it went in an ever-widening circle. Spinning as it corkscrewed down toward me.
I remember pulling the bedcovers up to the bridge of my nose.
Then I waited, transfixed and watching, until the point of light was halfway across the space separating it from me.
That was when I saw the face.
It was this little wee miniature face circling slowly round and round, shining with eerie light.
Its features were those of the Great White Hunter and he was whispering at me: 'Watch out! Watch out! Watch out! I'm going to take her too.'
I never got back to sleep that night, not until dawn came peeking in with the light of the following morning. It was Jimbo who found the solution. I'll give him credit for that. The opportunity to find it had cost him a broken nose.
'Okay, here's what we do,' Jimbo said confidently. 'I go in and scout the place and find the magazine rack. Then I come out and tell you where it is and the three of us go in. You, me, and Corry. You in between. Got it. Okay?'
'Now once we get through the door, I'll hold up my jacket so you can't see the rack. If you try to look, then Corry grabs you, I throw the jacket over your head, and we drag you back outside. Then we try it again.'
It took half an hour's persuasion before the three of us came through that door.
But it worked, by God. Somehow it broke the spell.
Or maybe it was just the fact that I never saw another magazine cover drawn by that particular artist.
And so it was that Jimbo — in a triumph for amateur psychology — took care of the drugstores, took care of the newsstands, took care of the confectioners.
But he didn't take care of the blood.
Good Lord, I don't believe it! I think I'm in love!
I went to the seminar, God knows why — maybe cause Ruryk suggested it and maybe I thought I'd find a key to unlock more of myself. Who knows why! Who cares!
Good God, what a woman! You should see her!
Genevieve, Genevieve, Genevieve — where have you been all my life?
Just my luck she's married — so what if it's one-way love.
Oh God, to have this feeling again.
Genevieve DeClercq — I LOVE YOU.
Oh happy day.
So let's talk about severed heads.
The human brain can live for up to a minute on the blood-oxygen supply within it at any given time. Cut the head from the body and the mind lives on. Consciousness survives.
If this is everyman's general fear, why must I be plagued with it multiplied a thousand times?
Why must this fear also be my particular neurosis? Can you answer that, YOU IN HERE WITH ME?
Genevieve, Genevieve, Genevieve! Will you be my salvation?
I listened to every word you said in the seminar tonight. Did I get it right? Genevieve, will you be my secret therapist? I hope you will — as long as you don't know. This will be my secret.
After the seminar tonight I spent some time in the sky. My camera caught a nebula and I saw the canals on Mars. I developed some shots of Jupiter taken the other evening, placing the prints — unenlarged — out on the drying table.
The Polaroids of the severed heads are now
Genevieve, I've made up my mind to meet this MONSTER! head on.
Tomorrow after work I'm going to rephotograph the Polaroid prints and put the negatives through my enlarger. I hope it works!
I guess my brother's murder precipitated my decision. But maybe it's deeper than that.
They never found his body so the motive's speculation, but I had seen the needle marks on the inside of his forearm. In this city we ail know that the monkey is motive enough.
My mother was devastated: she never came back from it. I watched her spark just fizz away as she aged a hundred years. She used to sit in my father's chair staring out through the shutters. The same chair I used when she died.
I know a guy who was terrified of hypodermic needles. He overcame his fear by becoming a doctor.
I guess it was preordained that I'd become a cop.
