Baby Under The Mistletoe

“Well, we weren’t. Or I mean, we aren’t, exactly. I really don’t know what’s going to happen, but…”

“You really like her, don’t you?”

“I do, and I’m thinking we should raise the child together, if she’s willing.”

From what Julia knew of Soleil, that was a big if. She was one of the most fiercely independent, unconventional women Julia had ever met, and her comments during their discussion of Kate Chopin’s classic The Awakening made it clear she considered drowning the happiest ending possible for the female main character who faced being unhappily trapped in a marriage.

“That’s a lovely sentiment. Are you sure?” Julia said gently.

“I am.” He gave her one of those looks reminiscent of the teen years, meant to communicate that she was out of her mind.

“I only mean to suggest, Soleil’s a strong-willed woman with her own mind about things. You may want to consider taking your time, letting this news sink in, before charging ahead with a plan of action.”

“I know, Mom. I know. I simply can’t imagine the thought of my own child growing up without me there to help raise him or her.”

“And that’s a beautiful thing about you, West.”

He shrugged, as if to shake off her compliment. She knew her son better than he realized. And she knew he wouldn’t settle for anything less than a hero’s effort in this situation.

But sometimes, what was called for was more finesse and thoughtfulness, instead of a soldier’s boldness.

“Just go slowly. This is big, life-altering stuff, but you’ve got time to figure things out.”

She could see by his expression he wanted to argue with her, but to his credit, he nodded, and she could see her advice sinking in. She’d always loved that about West-that he had the rare ability to listen, when he wasn’t barging forward with his agenda.

Soleil and West, having a baby together…by accident. It wasn’t anything like the future she’d imagined for her son, but she could see the glimmers of a really beautiful life for them, if they could move past their differences long enough to let love take hold.

And Julia, for her part, would do whatever she could to help things along in the right direction.

CHAPTER FIVE

TWO DAYS HAD PASSED since she’d broken the news to West, and Soleil hadn’t yet heard from him. The silence, frankly, was making her nervous. Was he just taking his time absorbing the news, or was he preparing to launch an attack on her life, some kind of conquer-and-occupy scenario? The longer he went without contacting her, the more she believed the latter. Did she really have the fortitude to stand up to him in a win-at-all-costs battle?

Thank goodness she only had two more days until her current batch of kids would go home, and the farm would shut down for winter break. She could hardly wait. Usually she hated to see them leave, but, with everything else going on, keeping up with them, overseeing their work and refereeing their battles all seemed to require too much of her limited stamina.

Soleil sat down at the computer, opened her Web browser and logged into her e-mail account. She was exhausted, and she hoped like crazy that she wouldn’t have any urgent business e-mail waiting to be dealt with.

Twenty-two new messages appeared, about half of which were junk. She set about deleting those, while scanning the subject lines of the relevant ones. One from her mother, ugh. One from the farm’s development coordinator, which was likely urgent since it concerned a deadline for a grant they were applying for.

She opened it, scanned the message and decided it could wait until morning when she had a clearer head to write coherently.

Next she opened her mother’s message with a sense of obligation. They hadn’t been in contact for far too long. In fact, Soleil hadn’t exactly gotten around to telling her mother she was pregnant, and now her guilt was growing by the day. There wasn’t any simple way to explain away her silence. At least she’d sort of had an excuse with West.

Hi, Soleil,

Are you still alive? I haven’t heard from you in ages. Did I mention my latest book will be out in two months? Will you be coming to visit for the holidays? I was hoping to spend a little time with you before I go on tour to promote the book. My publicist has four months’ worth of readings and college speaking engagements lined up for me, and who knows if I’ll survive.

Love, Mom

That was her mother’s morbid sense of humor talking-amazing how she managed to work two death references into one casual e-mail. Former U.S. Poet Laureate Anne Bishop had never been known for her lightness of heart.

Soleil yawned and clicked Reply. Dealing with West over the holidays was about as much emotional turmoil as she could handle right now. She’d better let her mom know now that she was going to stay here for the Christmas festivities, so Anne could make alternate plans.

Hi, Mom,

Sorry you haven’t heard from me. I’ve been busy and exhausted-which leads me to the news I have. I’m sorry to say I won’t be visiting during the holidays. Maybe I’ll make it down right after the new year, but for now I need the time to rest. I’ve had a particularly demanding group of kids this session. Congrats on the book release, by the way!

Love, S

There.

She was still unofficially the worst daughter in northern California for not telling her mom she was pregnant, but she’d have to sort that out after Christmas. For now, she was relieved to have one less holiday thing to think about.

Why was she so reluctant to tell people?

It was a question she’d been avoiding for months. Avoidance-her new hobby, apparently. And it went beyond any embarrassment in admitting she was reneging in her I-don’t-want-kids stance. As she stared at the computer screen, at the long column of e-mail messages she still needed to read and respond to, the question wouldn’t leave her alone.

Why?

The baby was going to arrive, regardless of whether she told the people who needed to know. But that wasn’t an excuse.

The baby was going to arrive, and it was going to transform her into someone new, just as her body was being transformed now. She wasn’t even sure if she was going to like her new self. She certainly wasn’t all that crazy about her new, rotund body, with its awkwardness and quickly shrinking mobility.

She feared her life was going to morph the same way. She’d go from the ease of singledom to the difficulty of single parenthood. And no one knew that difficulty better than her mother, even if she liked to claim she’d had no problems raising her daughter alone.

Telling Anne, telling West, telling the world-it amounted to admitting that she was about to give up life as she knew it.

Although she’d never imagined herself being happy about an unplanned pregnancy, in the moments after she’d seen the plus sign appear on her home pregnancy kit, Soleil had felt all sorts of unexpected emotions. Bewilderment had given way to hope. She hadn’t been horrified. She’d been excited. She hadn’t been depressed. She’d been happy. And she’d known without a moment’s doubt that she wanted the baby. In that initial rush of excitement though, she’d failed to weigh all the consequences that had begun to weigh on her as the months passed and her changing body made her shifting reality more and more clear.

As much as she embraced the idea of having her baby, she was terrified of losing herself.

There. She’d admitted it. Not sure what to do with that fact, but she felt as if she could breathe a little easier now.