“Same here, old man.”
“You got a.copy of that picture of me and Dubro?”
“Hell no. You got the film before I even developed it.”
“Shit, I wish I had a copy. I’d have it enlarged and hung over the front entrance. I could use a taste of those days.”
“Don’t tell me you had your prostitute gland removed.”
“Only massaged, Dog. That’s not even fun when a doctor does it.”
“Why not try a lady doctor?”
“Who the hell you think I went to?” He sat back and roared, a wizened old guy with a face like a shaved pixie in a leprechaun body. You could see why he could still make it in a courtroom against the young ones and when the chips were down you’d have to guess where he got the single cauliflower ear that looked so ridiculous stuck there on the side of his head.
“I should have gotten that film developed,” he said.
“Look, if it worries you, I’ll set you up for another one. I know some dolls ...”
“Ah, me. It sounds so good, but let me live with my memories. I’m too old to be embittered or flattered. It’s just nice to be reminded.” He handed me a silver and walnut humidor. “Cigar?”
I shook my head.
“You got my letter, naturally. I had a dickens of a time locating you.”
“No sweat. I jump around a lot.”
For a few seconds he looked at me, then sat back and folded his arms across his chest. “There’s something peculiar about you, Dog.”
“I’m older.”
“Not that.”
“Wiser?”
“Don’t we all get that way?”
This time it was my turn to wait. “Not everybody.”
His smile was impish, his eyes twinkling. “Too bad the old man didn’t like you.”
“Why should he? All he wanted was a legitimate heir. My mother got knocked up by an itinerant bartender and I was locked in under the bar sinister to preserve family pride.”
“Did you ever know your mother married your father?”
“Sure. I still got a copy of the wedding certificate. She made sure I knew about it.”
“Why didn’t she mention it?”
“Maybe she had her pride too.”
Leyland Hunter unlocked his arms and leaned on the desk. “If the old man had known, things would have been different.”
I tapped another cigarette out of the pack and lit it. “Who gives a damn? All I want is my ten grand. It was standard practice in the family ever since they had slaves and servant girls. They buy you off, kick you out and the foul deed is forgotten.”
“Speculate further,” Hunter said.
“Why not? If the perpetuator was a male, it was laughed off as a boyish prank. If the recipient of the seed was a female claimant to the family name, she was buried under the cloak of shame.”
“You should have been a lawyer.”
I grinned at him again. “Let’s say I’m a philosopher.”
“No hard feelings?”
“What for?”
“All the others take ownership of Barrin Industries. Cousins Alfred and Dennison are president and chairman of the board, respectively, Veda, Pam and Lucella own a majority of the stock, your uncles and aunts sit back and direct operations from the big houses at Mondo Beach and Grand Sita, arranging debutante balls and marriages that highlight all the celebrity columns.”
“Sounds pretty dull.”
“And now you’re back.”
“I promise not to spoil their fun. All I want is my ten grand.”
“The will was very specific. If there’s one hint of immorality in your past ...”
“I killed a few people, remember.”
“That was wartime. You were decorated for it.”
“So I’ve had a few dames in the hay too.”
“Even that was anticipated. Boys are prone to experiment.”
“I’m not a boy.”
“Exactly.”
“Then get to the point.”
“Is there any possibility that any, er, woman, could ever substantiate that you and she ... er, had ... let’s say, an illicit relationship?”
“Now I know
“You didn’t answer the question.”
I sucked in on the butt and leaned back, grinning. “Old friend, I’m not exactly abnormal. I’ve had me broads and I’m damn glad to admit it. In fact, I’m damn glad to hear them admit it. I come with a pretty good set of references.”
The laugh lines creased his face and he snuggled back in his chair again. “Dog, you’re still a puppy. Talk like that and you’ll wipe out that inheritance sure as hell. Why can’t you fib a little?”
“I’m not an expert at it like the family is. I always get caught. Hell, even when I told the truth I got nailed for lying, so where’s the percentage? All I want is my ten grand.”
On the wall, the old-fashioned windup clock ticked ominously. I looked at the family solicitor sitting there, knowing he was feeling for words he didn’t want to say, and just waited. It was an old story; I just wanted to hear it again to make sure nothing had changed.
Finally: “Nobody even wants to let you have that.”
“A small price to pay out of all those millions. Why rattle skeletons in the closet?”
“You ever read stock market reports, Dog?”
I shrugged again. “Sometimes. They fluctuate. I hate to gamble.”
“Barrin Industries is shaky.”
“Ten thousand bucks can break them?”
“Not exactly. The old man’s will had to conform to his father’s will and if you have a copy of your mother’s original wedding certificate you can take over as the first male heir.”
“It’s only a photographic copy made a long time ago. I guess you know the courthouse it was filed in burned down and the preacher and the witnesses are dead?”
“Yes, I know that. How did you find out?”
“I wanted to make sure.” I squeezed out the hot tip of the cigarette and dropped it in the ashtray on the desk. “No ten grand, then, I suppose?”
“No nothing, Dog. I’m sorry.”
I stood up and stretched. Outside it was a nice day and despite the smog I was going to enjoy myself. “Want to bet?” I asked him.
“Not with you,” he said. “Of all the family, you got your grandfather’s mouth, his hair, even the way he held his jaw.”
“Look at my eyes,” I said. “Whose are they?”
“I don’t know, Dog. They aren’t your mother’s.”
“They were my dad’s. That guy must have been a terror. Let’s go have a beer. You probably haven’t been in a saloon for ten years.”
“Make it fifteen and I’ll go with you,” Hunter told me.
She said her name was Charmaine, but only a Polack knows how to smell a kielbasa to make sure it’s real and slip it inside a hunk of doughbread she whipped up out of natural ingredients from a delicatessen at one o’clock
