because we’ve had a change of plans. Fred Forsatch is going on sabbatical next year. He wants to take classes at Oxford and spend some time in Europe. Normally, we’d need to replace him.” He was their Spanish teacher. “But Meg Phillips has a double major, and she’d like to take over his classes for next year, which leaves us with another year to fill in the English department. She only teaches seniors, as you know, and I hear you have a real gift with them. I was wondering if you’d like to take her spot next year, until Fred comes back. It means you could stay with us for another year, and who knows after that. How does that sound to you?” Her eyes were wide as she listened to him, and it was the best news she had had since he’d offered her the job a year before. She was thrilled.
“Oh my God, are you kidding? I’d love it! Are you serious?” She sounded like one of her students, and he laughed.
“No, I’m not kidding. Yes, I’m serious. And yes, I am offering you a job for next year.” He was pleased that she was so enthusiastic about it. It was exactly what he had hoped to hear. They chatted for a few more minutes, and then she went back to the teachers’ lounge and told everyone there.
She thanked the Spanish teacher profusely when she saw him later that afternoon. He laughed when he saw how happy she was. And he was just as pleased at the prospect of being in Europe for a year. It was something he had wanted to do for a long time.
Victoria floated all the way home, she told her roommates when they came in, and they cheered. When she called her parents that night to tell them the news, their reaction was more or less what she had expected, but she wanted to tell them anyway. She still felt obliged to report on her life to them, despite their predictably disappointing reactions, and this time was no different.
“You’re just deferring getting a real job, Victoria. You can’t live on that salary forever,” her father said, but actually she was living on it. She hadn’t asked him for help since she left home. She was careful about what she spent, and she still had some savings left. The small rent she paid kept her budget in good shape most of the time.
“This is a real job, Dad,” she insisted, knowing it was pointless trying to convince him. “I love my job, the kids, and the school.”
“You could be making three or four times what they pay you, at any ad agency out here, or just about any company that would hire you.” He sounded disapproving, and he was not impressed that the best private school in New York had offered to hire her for a second year, and was pleased with her performance.
“It’s not about the money,” Victoria said, sounding disappointed. “I’m good at what I do.”
“Anyone can teach, Victoria. All you do is babysit those rich kids anyway.” In a single sentence he had dismissed her abilities and her career. And what he said wasn’t true, she knew. Anyone couldn’t teach. It was a very specific skill, and she had talent at it. Not everyone was able to do what she did. But it meant absolutely nothing to her parents. She didn’t speak to her mother since she was out playing bridge, but Victoria knew she wouldn’t have been impressed. She never was, and she took her cues from her husband. She echoed every opinion he had, on every subject. “I’d like you to give this some serious thought before you sign that contract,” he urged her, and she sighed.
“I already have. This is what I want, and where I want to be.”
“Your sister will be very upset that you’re not coming home,” he said, playing the guilt card. But Victoria had already warned her during spring break that she might stay another year if she got the chance, and Gracie had understood. She also knew first hand why Victoria was unhappy at home. Their parents never missed a chance to make her feel bad. It always made Gracie feel guilty that they were so nice to her, and never had been to their older daughter. Gracie had observed it all her life. It was no wonder that she had thought Victoria was adopted, when they were younger. It was hard to believe that they would be so critical and uncharitable with their own child, but they were. Nothing she did impressed them, or was ever good enough, and this was no different. Her father was annoyed, not proud of her. And as usual, only Gracie celebrated for her and with her when she called her about the job.
Harlan and John were excited about it for her too. They both gave her a big hug to congratulate her. John was a regular feature at the apartment now, and had been for two months. And the relationship was getting solid. And Bill and Bunny liked him too.
She had dinner with John and Harlan that night, and she told them about her father’s reaction, and said that it was nothing new, and typical of him.
“You should go to a shrink and talk about it,” John said quietly, and Victoria looked shocked. She didn’t have any mental problems, didn’t suffer from depression, and she had always managed her problems on her own.
“I don’t think I need to do that,” she said, looking horrified and a little hurt. “I do just fine.”
“Of course you do,” John said easily, and he believed her. “But people like that are very toxic in our lives, especially our parents. If they’ve been saying things like that to you all your life, you owe it to yourself to get rid of the messages they’ve left in your brain and your heart. That can really hold you back and hurt you in the long run.” She had told Harlan about being named after Queen Victoria, and why, and he agreed with John. “You might find it very helpful.” And they were also both convinced that her weight problem was due to the constant put-downs of her father. It seemed obvious to them. And her mother sounded no better, from what Victoria said about her. Harlan hated the stories she told about her parents and her childhood, and the emotional abuse she had endured for years. They hadn’t abused her with fists, but with words.
“I’ll think about it,” she said softly, and put it out of her head as soon as she could. The thought of going to a therapist was really upsetting to her. And it didn’t surprise either of them that without thinking, she helped herself to a bowl of ice cream after dinner, although neither of them was eating dessert. Neither of them insisted about the shrink, and Harlan didn’t bring it up again.
And before the summer, Victoria lined up a summer job for June and July so she didn’t have to go home. She took a job for very little pay tutoring underprivileged kids at a shelter where they lived while waiting to go into foster care. It sounded depressing to Harlan when she told him, but she was excited about it. She was starting there the day after Madison closed for the summer.
Gracie had a summer job that year too. It was her first one, at sixteen, and she’d be working at the desk of the swim and tennis club they belonged to. She was thrilled about it, and their parents sounded pleased. They thought Victoria’s job sounded unpleasant, and her mother told her to wash her hands a lot or she might catch a disease from the kids she tutored. She thanked her for the advice and was annoyed that the job she was doing didn’t impress them, nor did her work as a teacher, but Gracie working at the desk in a tennis club was cause for celebration and endless praise. It didn’t make her angry at Gracie, only at them.
Before she started work, Gracie was coming to visit Victoria in New York.
This time Gracie came alone without their parents, and they had even more fun than they had had in March. She kept herself busy in the daytime, going to galleries and museums and going shopping, and Victoria took her out to movies and restaurants at night. They even went to a Broadway play.
And as usual Victoria was planning to go home in August. It was the longest time she spent with them now every year. But this time she only intended to stay for two weeks, which was more than long enough for her. And once there, as usual, her father criticized her frequently about her job, and her mother nagged her constantly about her weight, which had gone up again after a brief dip in the spring. Before she left New York, Victoria had gone on a cabbage diet, which helped her lose weight. The diet was miserable, but it worked, and then a short time afterward she gained all the weight back again. It was a battle she just couldn’t seem to win. It was discouraging.
When she got back to New York, she was disheartened by the things her parents had said, and the weight she had put back on, and she thought about Harlan’s suggestion that she see a shrink. And in a dark mood one day right before school started, she called a name he had given her. It was a woman he had met, and he said that a friend of his had gone to her and liked her a lot. Before Victoria could change her mind, she called her and made an appointment for the following week. And she agonized about it as soon as she did. It seemed like a crazy thing to do, and she thought about canceling, but didn’t have the courage to do that either. She felt stuck. And she ate half a cheesecake alone in the kitchen the night before she went. What if the woman discovered that she was crazy, or that her parents were right about her and she was a total failure as a human being? What kept her from canceling the appointment was the hope that they were wrong.
When Victoria went to the appointment with the psychiatrist, she was literally shaking, and had felt sick to her stomach all day. She couldn’t remember why she had made the appointment and wished she hadn’t, and her mouth was so dry when she sat down that she felt like her tongue was stuck to the roof of her mouth.
Dr. Watson looked sensible and pleasant. She was in her early forties, and she was wearing a well-cut navy
