“No, you won’t. You said you want to lose weight anyway.”
“I still couldn’t wear it. I wear a double-D bra. You have to be built like you to wear that dress.” Gracie looked up at her with tears in her eyes, with the same look that had melted her older sister’s heart since she was five.
“I’m only getting married once,” she said imploringly. “I want everything to be perfect for Harry. I want this to be my dream wedding. Everyone has pink and blue and pastel colors. No one ever even thinks of brown for the bridesmaids. It’ll be the most elegant wedding L.A. has ever seen.”
“With a maid of honor who looks like an elephant.”
“You’ll lose weight by then, I know it. You always do when you try.”
“That’s not the point. I’d have to have surgery to pull this one off.” And the tiny tucks of fabric all the way down the long-waisted bodice would only make it worse. Gracie was already planning to have the bridesmaids carry brown orchids to go with the dress. Nothing was going to dissuade her from it, and she placed the order while Victoria stood by wanting to cry. Her sister had just ensured that she would look like a monster at the wedding, while all her tiny anorexic friends would look stylish in the brown strapless gowns. There was no question that the dress was beautiful, but not on Victoria. She gave up trying to dissuade her, and sat silently while Gracie gave the saleswoman the sizes for most of the gowns. They were almost all size fours, except for three size twos. She was going to confirm the rest of the sizes when she got home. She had a look of elation on her face when they left the store. She was almost dancing she was so excited, and Victoria sat in silence in the cab all the way uptown. They stopped at the deli on the way back to the apartment, and without thinking, Victoria put three pints of Haagen-Dazs on the counter. Gracie didn’t even notice. She was used to Victoria buying ice cream. She had no idea that Victoria hadn’t had any in four months. This was like a recovering alcoholic sidling up to the bar and ordering a vodka on the rocks.
They went back to the apartment, and Gracie called their mother while Victoria unpacked the groceries, just as Harlan walked in. He took one look at the ice cream, pointed at it as though it were on fire, and stared at Victoria in horror and disbelief.
“What’s that?”
“She ordered strapless brown gowns for the bridesmaids that I can’t wear.”
“Then tell her you can’t wear it, and to order you something else,” he said, taking the ice cream from Victoria’s hand and dropping it in the trash. “Maybe the dress isn’t as bad as you think.”
“It’s gorgeous. Just not on me. I can’t even wear that color, let alone the shape.”
“Tell her,” he said firmly, sounding like her shrink.
“I did. She won’t listen to me. This is her dream wedding. She’s only planning to do it once, and it has to be perfect. For everyone but me.”
“She’s a nice kid. Explain it to her.”
“She’s a bride, on a mission. We must have looked at a hundred gowns today. This is going to be the event of the century.”
“It won’t help anything to blow the diet now,” he said, trying to encourage her. It had upset him to see her with the ice cream in her hand. She had been so good until then. And he didn’t want her to blow it now over a stupid gown.
Gracie was on the phone by then with all her friends, telling them about the fabulous dress she’d ordered for all of them, and Victoria had a sense of hopelessness as she sat down in the kitchen. She felt like an invisible person again. Gracie wasn’t hearing her. It was all about Gracie right now. It was hard to live with, and she was depressed about the dress. She didn’t know what to do about it. It was clear that Gracie wasn’t going to listen to her, no matter what.
They had dinner with John and Harlan in the kitchen that night, and Gracie told them all the details of the wedding. By the end of the meal, Victoria wanted to throw up.
“Maybe I’m just jealous,” she said to Harlan in a whisper after Gracie left the room to call Harry before she went to bed.
“I don’t think you are. It’s a little much. She’s like a kid out of control. Your father is creating a monster, letting her do whatever she wants with the wedding.”
“He thinks it makes him look important,” Victoria said, still looking depressed. It was the first time in her life that she hadn’t enjoyed Gracie’s company. So far, the weekend was a catastrophe.
And the next day wasn’t much better. Victoria went with her for her appointment with Vera Wang. They looked at a dozen wedding dress possibilities, and finally the designer offered to send her sketches based on what Gracie had said. She was thrilled.
It was afternoon by then, and they went to Serendipity for lunch. Gracie ordered a salad, and Victoria ordered the cheese ravioli, and a frozen mochaccino topped with whipped cream, and ate it all. Gracie saw nothing unusual in what her sister had ordered, because she was used to Victoria eating things like that. And blowing her diet depressed Victoria even more. By the time they got back to the apartment, she was exhausted, depressed, and felt as if she were about to explode. She hadn’t eaten anything like that in months, and Harlan could see the guilt on her face.
“What did you do today?”
“I met Vera Wang,” she said vaguely.
“That’s not what I meant, and you know it. What did you eat for lunch?”
“You don’t want to know. I shot my diet all to hell,” she said, looking guilty.
“It’s not worth it, Victoria,” he reminded her. “You’ve worked too hard for this for the past four months. Don’t fuck it up.”
“The wedding is making me nervous. I’m suicidal over the dress I have to wear. And my sister is turning into someone I don’t know. She shouldn’t even be marrying the guy, or anyone, at her age. And he’s going to run her life just like my father does. She’s marrying our father,” she said miserably.
“Let her, if that’s what she wants. She’s old enough to make her own choice, even if it’s a mistake. You can’t screw up your life on top of it. That’s not going to change anything, except make you miserable. Just forget about the wedding. Wear whatever you have to, get drunk at the wedding, and come home.” She laughed at what he said.
“Maybe you have a point. And besides, it’s eight months away. Even if the dress is wrong for me I could still lose a lot of weight by then and look good.”
“Not if you blow your diet.”
“I won’t. I’ll be good tonight. We’re staying home. And she’s going back to L.A. tomorrow. I’ll be back on the wagon as soon as she leaves.”
“No. Now,” he reminded her, and went to his own room. Victoria got on the treadmill then, to atone for her sins. And Gracie ordered a pizza from the restaurant whose card was on the fridge. It arrived half an hour later, and was more than Victoria could resist. Gracie ate one piece. And her older sister finished the rest. She wanted to eat the box so Harlan wouldn’t see it, but he did. He looked at her as though she had killed someone. And she had. Herself. She was consumed with guilt.
And they went out for lunch the next day before Gracie left. To thank her for her help, Gracie took her to the Carlyle for brunch, and Victoria had eggs Benedict, and when Gracie ordered hot chocolate and little cookies, she couldn’t resist them.
Gracie thanked her profusely when she left for the airport, and they hugged each other tight. She said she had had a terrific time, and would keep her posted on the designs from Vera Wang and everything else. Victoria stood on the sidewalk waving to her as the cab pulled away, and as soon as it was out of sight, Victoria burst into tears. From her perspective, the weekend had been an utter and complete disaster, and she felt like a total failure at everything. And on top of it, she was going to look awful at the wedding. She went upstairs, let herself into the apartment, and went to bed, wishing she were dead.
Chapter 18
It was a relief for Victoria to go back to school on Monday. At least it was a world she understood, and where
