life with her, and have no social life whatsoever except with her.
At times it left her feeling isolated. He insisted that it was more romantic that way, and he didn’t want to share her. And he was so loving to her that she really couldn’t complain. Whatever momentary rift had happened to them around the miscarriage was finally healed and forgotten by the end of the summer. Finn was totally the handsome prince again, and even if she hardly saw her friends all summer, she was relieved that she and Finn were closer than they had ever been. In the end, it was as though the sadness of the miscarriage had only brought them closer and made him more loving. And if she had to sacrifice seeing her Cape Cod friends for that, it was worth it. Her life with Finn, and the well-being of their relationship, was more important.
They went back to New York after Labor Day. Finn had an important meeting with his British publisher that he had to go back to London for. Hope stayed in New York to wrap up a few last details after the summer. She had to see her banker and lawyer, and meet with her agent before she left. She was planning to be back in Ireland by the weekend, and was going to spend September there. She didn’t really have to be back in New York until November. She tried not to remember that that was when their baby would have been born. Maybe Finn was right and they would have another. Whatever God decided. She was feeling healthy again and more philosophical about it. And he hadn’t mentioned the fertility doctor again since July.
When she saw Mark, he told her he had a fabulous assignment for her in South America in October, and she had to admit it sounded good to her too, but she hesitated to do it. She knew Finn would be upset, and if she happened to get pregnant again, he wouldn’t want her to fly, although her doctor said she could. She didn’t want to risk his fury again, or a miscarriage, and she looked at Mark sadly and said she didn’t think she could do it.
“What’s that about?” he asked, looking unhappy.
“I just think it’s the wrong time in the relationship for me to be flying all over the world. We’re redoing the house, and Finn gets upset when I go away.” She didn’t want to tell him that she’d recently been pregnant and might try again.
“I think you’re making a big mistake, if you let him influence what assignments you take, Hope. We’re not interfering in his career, and there is no decent reason for him to interfere in yours. That’s bullshit. How about telling him you don’t want him writing a book? You both have important talents and careers. The only way it’ll work between you two is if you both respect that. He can’t manipulate you into not working. Or if he is, you shouldn’t let him.”
“I know,” she said nervously. “What can I tell you? He’s a baby. And we’re planning to get married at the end of the year. Maybe he’ll calm down after that.” She hoped so, but for now he made her feel guilty every time she left him, even for work, although he insisted that he was proud of her, and respected what she did. It was confusing information, and a double message that made her feel unsure of herself and insecure.
“What if he doesn’t calm down then?” Mark said, looking worried.
“We’ll talk about it then. We’ve only been together for nine months.”
“That’s my point. It’s a little early for him to be fucking with your career. In fact, that should never happen.”
“I know, Mark,” she said quietly. “He’s very needy, in a funny way. He needs a lot of attention.”
“Then adopt him, don’t marry him. You’d better straighten this out very soon, or you’ll regret it later.” She nodded. She knew he was right, but it was easier said than done, and with the exception of his poor reaction to the miscarriage, no one had ever been more wonderful to her than Finn. And his unkindness over the miscarriage had been some kind of slip. She was convinced of it, and he had been better than ever in the months since. She was willing to adjust her work schedule for a while to suit him, and she already had three good assignments lined up for November, she didn’t need another one. It wasn’t worth it. So she turned it down. She had done as much for Mimi when she was young. But Mimi had been her child, not a man. Hope felt that she had already lost so many people she loved in her life that she didn’t want to take the chance of losing another. And maybe if she made Finn mad enough, as she had over the miscarriage, he would leave. She didn’t want to risk it.
She saw Paul the day she left, and she had been planning to tell him about Finn, and that they were getting married, but he looked so sick that she didn’t have the heart to tell him. She had to help him feed himself, he could hardly walk now, and he had aged twenty years in the last one. She was frightened when she saw him. He said the treatment in Germany hadn’t worked for him. After that he had gone to spas, and wound up in a hospital with an infection. He was happy to be home in the States. He was on his way to Boston for treatment, and she cried on the way to the airport after she left him. It was terrible watching him slip away and he looked so frail. She was still depressed about it when she got on the plane.
She slept most of the way to Dublin, and it was early morning when she got there. Finn was waiting for her with the broad slow smile she knew so well and loved so much. The moment she saw him, she knew that all was well in their world. He drove her home to Blaxton House, and ten minutes after they got there, they were in bed. He was more passionate toward her than ever, and more loving. They stayed in bed, whispering and talking and making love till noon, and then he took her downstairs to see how beautiful the house looked now that it had been painted. She was pouring a fortune into it, and they both agreed that it was worth it.
It felt wonderful being back there again, and she felt like the mistress of the manor. Michael was coming to visit them in a few days. And she was happy to have some time alone with Finn before that. She was beginning to think that he was right, and being alone was better. Every moment they shared was loving and romantic. It was impossible to complain about that. And by the end of the afternoon, after surveying their domain with pleasure, they walked back up the stairs hand in hand and went back to bed.
Chapter 14
When Michael arrived, Finn went to pick him up at the airport, and Hope decided to wait at the house. She didn’t want to intrude on them, they had so little time together. And she was happy to have him there. She had arranged one of the newly painted guest rooms for Michael, with an enormous bowl of yellow flowers. She’d bought some magazines in town for him, and tried to think of everything he might like. She knew how much he and Finn loved each other, after their years alone while Michael was growing up, and she was looking forward to getting to know him better. Finn was taking him to fish at the Blessington Lakes for a few days, he had made arrangements for hang gliding, and was planning to rent some horses. He wanted him to have a good time, and Hope was willing to do anything possible to help them, even if that meant keeping out of their way, but Finn had told her not to worry about it.
And this time, they were going to tell Michael about their wedding plans in December. Since it had turned out to be a winter wedding after all, Hope had agreed that it might be better in Ireland, although she also liked the idea of getting married in London, to make it easier for people like Mark to come. Finn loved the idea of doing it at the tiny church in Russborough, with a reception at the house, and said he didn’t care if they did it all alone. Finn wasn’t sure if Michael would come from Boston, and said it didn’t matter to him. The only one important to him at the wedding was Hope. He didn’t need a single other soul to be there. This was a far cry from the highly social animal she had believed him to be when they met. In reality, Finn was nearly a hermit. And the only person he wanted to be with was her. He said it was a sign of the immensity of his love for her, and she believed him. The ultimate tribute of Finn’s love was that he wanted to devote every waking moment to her.
When Michael arrived from the airport with his father, he gave Hope a friendly hug, and commented on the changes in the house. He was enormously impressed.
“What happened? Did you win the lottery, Dad?” Michael teased him. There was always a faint edge to their exchanges and Michael’s comments, but they were harmless. They were the kind of things said between men, one growing into power and manhood, the other trying to hold on to it for dear life. And as Hope watched them, she wondered if that was why Finn was so desperate to have a baby. It was a way of hanging on to his virility and his youth, and proving to himself and the world that he was young. Hope thought that there were other ways to prove it.
She showed Michael around, through all the changes and restorations they’d done. The painting that had been done over the summer was a vast improvement over the dingy walls. She had finally gotten rid of the rugs and had the beautiful old floors redone. It looked like the same house, but so much better, and Michael complimented her politely on everything he saw.
