Between the two procedures, they were told by both surgeons that the combined operation would take somewhere between six and eight hours, and they warned them that there was a very real chance that their sister might not survive. She was hovering near death now.
“Can we see her before the surgery?” Tammy asked the resident, and he nodded.
“She's in pretty bad shape. Are you sure you're all right?” Sabrina and Tammy both nodded and then turned to where their father and Candy were sitting. They walked over to them and asked if they wanted to see Annie before she went into surgery. They didn't say it, but it was possible that it was the last time any of them would see her alive. Their father just shook his head and turned his face away. He was already dealing with more than he could handle, and he had been told he would have to identify his wife's body, which was downstairs in the morgue. Candy looked at her two oldest sisters in horror and sobbed louder.
“Oh my God, I can't… oh my God… Annie…and Mom…” Their baby sister was completely falling apart, which didn't surprise either of them. They left Candy and their father in the waiting room and followed the resident into the trauma unit, where Annie was.
She was in a small curtained-off area with a forest of tubes and monitors hanging from her. She had been intubated for the respirator and her nose taped closed. Four nurses and two residents were working on her, watching her vital signs closely. Her blood pressure had dropped, and they were fighting to keep her alive. Tammy and Sabrina tried not to get in their way, and the resident showed them where to stand. They could only get to her one at a time. Her face had been badly lacerated, and one of her cheekbones was broken. There were cuts up and down both arms, and a nasty gash on one shoulder, which was bare. Sabrina gently touched her hand and kissed her fingers, as tears streamed down her cheeks.
“Come on, Annie girl… you can do it… you gotta hang in, baby, for all of us. We love you. You're going to be okay. Be a big girl now. We're all right here with you.” She was suddenly reminded of when she had taken Annie to the playground when she was thirteen and Annie was five. She got on the seesaw when Sabrina wasn't looking, fell off, and broke her arm. Sabrina had been sick over it, and a mother she knew had driven them to the emergency room, where she had called their mom. Their mother wasn't angry and didn't scold her- instead she praised Sabrina for keeping a cool head and getting Annie to the hospital. She told her that it could have happened when she was with Annie too. Things happened to kids. She said it was a lesson to keep a closer eye on her next time, but it could have happened anyway. And she praised Annie for being brave. She hadn't scolded either of them for being stupid or careless, or Sabrina because her sister broke her arm. It had been one of her first major lessons about who her mother was, how she handled things, and how loving and kind she was. She had never forgotten it, and was reminded of it now. “You gotta be brave, Annie. Just like the time you broke your arm.” But this was so much worse, and unthinkable if Annie lost her sight. But worst of all if she lost her life. Sabrina was willing to settle for anything they could get, even if Annie was brain-damaged and no longer herself for the rest of her life. They would love her just the same. She kissed her fingers again, and gave up her place to Tammy, who stood looking at her, with tears rolling down her cheeks in streams. She could hardly speak.
“You heard Brina, Annie… she's gonna kick our asses if you don't hang in.” It had been her threat to her next- youngest sister when they were kids. She and Annie were the closest in age. Sabrina was eight years older than Annie, and five years older than Tammy. As children it had always seemed like a big difference, but it didn't matter now. “You be a big girl, Annie. We'll be right here when you wake up. I love you… don't forget that,” Tammy said as she dissolved in sobs and had to walk away. Sabrina came to put an arm around her and they walked out to the waiting room again. Their father and Candy hadn't moved since they left them and looked even worse than before, if that was possible, which gave Tammy an idea.
She looked up their family doctor's phone number in the address book they'd brought with them. She put it into her cell phone and walked discreetly away. They were able to patch her through to the doctor at his home, and she explained to him what had happened. She asked if he could come to the hospital to identify her mother's body so her father wouldn't have to do it. She didn't want any of them remembering her that way, and the resident had warned her that the damage to her mother had been extensive and she looked pretty grim. Their family physician promised to meet them at the hospital immediately. She told him that her father and youngest sister were in pretty bad shape and might benefit from some form of sedation, if that seemed reasonable to him.
“Of course. And how are you?” He sounded concerned.
“I don't know,” Tammy said honestly, glancing at Sabrina, who had walked over to be near her. “In shock, I think. We all are. This is pretty tough, and Annie's in bad shape.” She explained what they were planning to do to her in surgery, and he promised to be there within the hour, to offer moral support, if nothing else. It was something at least, and would relieve her father of the horrifying task of identifying his beloved Jane's remains. Tammy couldn't bear to think of her that way, nor could he. She explained to her father that their doctor was coming, and that he would identify Mom for them. After that she could be released to a funeral parlor, but none of them had thought of that yet. They were too stunned by everything that had happened, and too worried about Annie. While Tammy was on the phone, the resident had come to say that Annie was already in surgery, and they'd be starting in a few minutes. He promised to send them reports as soon as they knew anything, but he warned them again that she would be in surgery for many hours.
“Shouldn't I say goodbye to her?” their father said about his wife, when Tammy explained to him that their doctor was coming to identify her, so he didn't have to. Tammy hesitated before she answered her father's question, looking for the right way to say it, and relieve him of guilt at the same time.
“I don't think so, Dad,” she said honestly. “I don't think Mom would want you to remember her that way. You know what she looks like, and how beautiful she was. She wouldn't want you to be that sad,” Tammy said gently, fighting back tears again. They were ever present now.
“You mean I can't hold her again?” His question nearly tore out his daughters' hearts, and the look of anguish in his eyes was even worse. He was a broken man. Only that morning he had been the lively, handsome, youthful father they had always known. And now, suddenly in a matter of hours, he was a frightened, agonized old man. It was horrifying to see.
“You can, Dad,” Sabrina explained, “of course you can, but I think it would be so awful for you, and for Mom. Sometimes we don't get to say goodbye to the people we love most. If she'd gone down in a plane crash, you couldn't hold her either. All that's left now is a shell, not Mom, not Jane. She's gone, Dad. If you need to say goodbye to her, you can. No one's going to stop you. I just don't think it's what Mom would want.” She had devoted a lifetime to making life happy and easier for him-the last thing she would have wanted was to cause him more anguish now.
“Maybe you're right,” he said softly, looking relieved, and a little while later their doctor walked in. He was wonderful with Jim and the girls. He was deeply sympathetic, compassionate, and kind. He handed Sabrina a bottle of Valium and told her to distribute it as needed. He thought her father would benefit from one now and suggested someone take him home. He was in good health, but had always had a mild heart murmur, and he'd been through so much that day. He could see that Candy was a mess too. She had hyperventilated twice since they'd arrived, and said she felt as though she was going to vomit. She felt sick every time she stood up. Sabrina gave each of them a pill with a paper cup full of cold water, and conferred with Tammy quietly as soon as the doctor went downstairs to the morgue to identify Jane. He asked the girls if they had contacted a funeral parlor yet, and they said they hadn't had time. They had come straight to the hospital to see Annie. No calls had been made. Neither of their parents had siblings, and their grandparents were all dead and had been for years. The entire family was at the hospital. All decisions could be made right here, although Sabrina and Tammy were obviously in charge and had the clearest heads, in spite of the fact that both were deeply affected by what had happened. But their father and Candy were falling apart. Tammy and Sabrina weren't, no matter how heartbroken they were.
The doctor had told them what funeral parlor to call, and as soon as he left, Sabrina called them and said they would try to come in the next day to discuss arrangements, but circumstances were difficult, with their sister in critical condition. She just hoped they wouldn't be planning two funerals. One was bad enough, their mother's, which was beyond their worst nightmares and fears. The worst had happened to them. Sabrina refused to think of Annie dying too.
“I think one of us should take them home,” Tammy said to Sabrina as they stood next to the water cooler down the hall from where Candy and their father were sitting. They were both beginning to look a little woozy from the Valium they'd taken, and their father looked like he was going to sleep. It had all been too much for him.
“I don't want to leave you here alone,” Sabrina said, looking worried. “And I want to be here for Annie too. We both should.”
