number on her mother-in-law’s bill.
She felt numb as she rode downstairs in the tiny elevator and then walked the half block to the
The number rang only twice, and the connection had been rapidly made. She felt herself tremble as she waited, and then she heard his voice. He sounded sleepy, and she realized then that he had already been in bed.
“Ben?”
“Deanna? Darling, are you all right?”
“I…” And then the words stopped. She couldn’t say more.
“Deanna?”
She was trembling violently, still unable to speak.
“Oh, darling… is it…? How bad is she? I’ve been thinking of you every minute, ever since you left.” The only sound Deanna made in answer was a short convulsed sob. “Deanna! Please, sweetheart, try to calm down and talk to me.” But suddenly a ripple of fear raced up his back. “My God, is she… Deanna?” His voice was suddenly very soft.
“Oh, Ben, she died this morning.” For another endless moment she couldn’t speak after she said the words.
“Oh, God, no. Darling, are you alone? Where are you?”
“In the post office.”
“Oh, for God’s sake, what are you doing there?”
“I wanted to call you.”
“Did… is he in Paris too?”
“Yes.” She tried to catch her breath again. “He got here last night.”
“I’m so sorry. For both of you.”
She sobbed again. With Ben she could let herself go, she could reach out to him and show him how badly she needed him. With Marc she always kept up a front. She had to live what he expected, be what he thought she should be.
“Do you want me to come over? I could take the first plane out in the morning.”
And do what? she wondered. It was too late for Pilar. “I’d love you to, but it doesn’t make much sense. I’ll be home in a couple of days.”
“Are you sure? I don’t want to be a problem, but I’ll come over right away if it’ll help. Would it?”
“Very much.” She smiled through her tears. “But it’s better not to.”
“And… everything else?” He tried not to sound concerned or upset.
“I don’t know. We’ll have to talk.”
He knew she was talking about Marc. “Well, don’t worry about all that now. Just get through this, and then we can worry about the rest. Is it… are you going to have it here?”
“The funeral?” She wanted to die when she said the word. Her hand shook terribly. She tightened her grip on the phone. “No, Marc wants it here. It doesn’t matter. I think Pilar probably would have preferred it too. In any case I’ll be home in two or three days.”
“I wish I could spare you all that.”
“It…” but she couldn’t go on for a moment, “… doesn’t matter. I’ll be all right.” But would she? She wasn’t so sure. She had never felt this shaky in her life.
“Well, remember, if you need me I’ll come. I won’t go anywhere for the next few days without leaving a number, so you can always reach me. O.K.?”
“O.K.” She tried to smile as she said it, but the effort made her cry more. “Can you… could you call…”
“Kim?”
“Yes.” It was a sad little croak.
“I’ll call right away. Now I want you to go home and get some rest. Darling, you can’t keep pushing. You have to rest. Go get some sleep. And as soon as you come home, we’ll go to Carmel. No matter what. I don’t care what happens after that, but you’re coming to Carmel with me. We’ll walk on the beach, and we’ll be together.”
She was sobbing violently now. They would never be together again. She’d never walk on that beach again, or any other. She would be trapped in this nightmare forever, alone.
“Deanna, listen to me,” Ben was saying. “Will you think of Carmel through all this, and try to remember that I love you?”
She nodded sadly, still unable to get out the words.
“My love, I’m with you every moment. Be strong, my darling. I love you.”
“I love you too.” But her voice was only a whisper as she hung up the phone, then walked to the counter and paid the woman at the desk for the phone call-and passed out cold on the floor.
18
“Where on earth have you been?” Marc was sitting in the living room looking rumpled and haggard when she returned. “You were gone for hours.” It was an accusation. He was staring at her, red-eyed, over a cup of coffee. She looked scarcely better, in fact considerably worse. “Where were you?”
“I went for a walk. I’m sorry. I needed some air.” She put her handbag down on a chair. “How is your mother?”
“You can imagine. I called the doctor half an hour ago, and he gave her a shot. She probably won’t wake up until noon.”
For a moment Deanna envied her. What an easy way out. She didn’t voice the thought. Instead, she asked, “And you?”
“We have a lot to do today.” He looked at her mournfully and then noticed the smudges on her skirt. “What happened? Did you fall?”
She nodded and looked away. “I must have been tired. I stumbled. It’s nothing.”
He came to her then and put an arm around her. “You should really go to bed.”
“I will. But what about the arrangements?”
“I’ll take care of it. You don’t have to do anything.”
“But I want to…” She suddenly felt out of control again, as though she never had any say.
“No. I want you to get some sleep.” He led her to the bedroom and sat her on the bed. “Shall I call the doctor for you?” She shook her head, then lay down, looking up at him with heartbroken eyes that tore at him. “Deanna…”
“What about your friend?”
He stood up and turned away. “Never mind that.”
“Maybe now isn’t the time, but sooner or later we’ll have to talk about it.”
“Perhaps not.”
“What does that mean?” She stared at him very hard. He turned to face her.
“It means that it’s not your affair. And that I will do my best to settle it.”
“Permanently?”
He seemed to hesitate a long time, and then he quietly nodded, his eyes never leaving hers. “Yes.”
Chantal heard his key turn in the lock as she climbed out of the shower. She hadn’t dared call the house on the rue Francois Premier, and her last anonymous call to the hospital had brought only the information that Pilar was the same. She had intended to call again as soon as she had coffee, but Marc-Edouard arrived first, looking as though he hadn’t slept all night. Chantal looked up and smiled from the bathroom doorway. The pale-yellow towel was drying her leg.
