“I figure you're so spoiled now, eating beef jerky in the back hangar wouldn't do it.” He shrugged, but he looked desperately happy to see her. They were halfway through lunch, and she noticed he wasn't eating much, when she realized there was more to it than just taking her out to eat. He looked uncomfortable suddenly and a little worried.
“What's up, Stick? You rob a bank?”
“Not yet. But I'm working on it.” But the jokes ended there. He looked into her eyes and the moment she looked at him, she knew. And she said the words even before he did.
“You're going?” The words caught in her throat, and her milk shake soured instantly in her stomach when he nodded. “Oh, Nick… no… but you don't have to. We're not in it.”
“We will be eventually, whatever they say. And I'll bet Williams knows it too. He's probably counting on it. He'll sell a lot of airplanes. I don't believe all this stuff about the U.S. staying out of it. And it doesn't matter if we do. They need help over there. I'm going to England to join the RAF. I made some inquiries, and they need all the guys they can get. I've got what they need, and no one really needs me here. They don't need a genius to fly mail runs to Cincinnati.”
“But they don't need you to get shot down in a war that's not yours.” Tears filled her eyes as she said
He nodded. He hated telling her. But he had wanted to tell her himself. He had told Pat that the minute he knew she was home, and Pat had agreed to let him tell her. “I told him yesterday. He said he knew anyway.” And then he looked at her strangely. “I'll be back, Cass. I've got a lot of years left to do this kind of thing. And who knows? Maybe I'll grow up this time. There's a lot of things I never did with my life after the last one.”
“You can do them here, you don't have to risk your life in order to change what you don't like in your life here.”
“I don't like how lazy I've been, how easy I've made it on myself. I just cruised for the last twenty years, because it was easy. It went by so fast I forgot where I was. Now I'm here, I'm halfway through, or thereabouts, and I've wasted a lot of time. I'm not going to do that next time.” She wasn't sure what he meant, but it was obvious he had regrets about things he hadn't done, relationships he hadn't bothered with. He always thought he had time. And he did. But in some ways he had lacked courage. He had never wanted to get married again, or to care too much about anyone, or get too involved, or have kids of his own. He never wanted to risk anything on the ground. He didn't want to lose. But he didn't mind dying. It was an odd kind of cowardice peculiar to most of them; they were brave in the air, but on land they were terrible cowards.
“Don't go…” she whispered over the remains of their lunch. She didn't know what to say to stop him, but she wanted to more than anything. She didn't want to lose him.
“I have to.”
“No, you
“Neither did you,” he suddenly raged back, “but you've made choices with your life. I have a right to that too. I'm not going to sit here while they fight a war without me.” They took their battle outside and shouted at each other in the September sunshine.
“Are you so important then? You're the only flier who can do it right for them? For God's sake, Nick, grow up. Stay here… don't get yourself killed in a fight that's not yours, or even ours… Nick… please…” She was crying, and before he knew it, he was holding her and telling her how much he loved her. He had promised himself he never would, and now he couldn't stop himself any longer.
“Baby, don't… please… I love you so much… but I've got to do this… and when I come back, things'll be different. Maybe you'll be through playing Skygirl for Desmond Williams by then, and I'll have learned something I never figured out the first time. I want so much more than I have now… And, Cassie, I never figured out how to get it.”
“All you have to do is reach out and take it… that's all…” She was clinging to him, and he was holding her, and all she wanted suddenly was to go away somewhere with him and forget the war, but there was nowhere to run now.
“It's not as simple as all that,” he said slowly, looking down at her. There was so much he wanted to say to her, so much he didn't dare. And maybe he never would. He just didn't have the answers.
They walked back to his truck hand in hand, and when they got to the airport he drove to the hangar where they kept the Jenny. It was the plane he had taught her in, and she knew without a word where they were going. She got into the front seat, out of deference to him, since the instructor always sat in the rear seat, and a few minutes later they had done all their checks, and were taxiing down the runway. Her father saw them take off and he didn't say anything. He knew Nick must have told her he was going.
They reached the old airstrip, and Nick let her land, and they sat beneath their familiar tree. She laid her head against him, and they sat in the soft grass, looking up at the sky. It was hard to believe that there was a war somewhere, and Nick was really going.
“Why?” she said miserably after a while, the tears rolling slowly down her cheeks, and then her eyes met his and he thought his heart would break as he touched her face, and gently wiped her tears away with his fingers. “Why do you have to go?” After all this time, he had told her he loved her, and now he was leaving, maybe even forever.
“Because I believe in what I'm doing. I believe in free men, and honor, and a safe world, and all those things I'm going to defend in the skies over England.”
“You did that once. Let someone else do it this time, Nick. It's not your problem.”
“Yes, it is. And I've got nothing important to do here. Even though that's my own fault.”
“So you're going because you're bored.” There was always a little bit of that in all men, that and the spirit of the hunter. But there were good motives there too, and she knew that. She just thought it was foolish of him to go now, and she didn't want him to get hurt. But he swore he wouldn't.
“I'm too good to get hurt,” he said, teasing her.
“You fly like shit when you're tired,” she said, not entirely believing it, but he laughed.
“I'll be sure to get lots of sleep. What about you?” he said, frowning. “You're flying those damn heavy planes over the desert, don't think I don't know the chances you take testing them. Plenty of guys have gotten killed doing it, and they probably flew better than you do.” It reminded her of Nancy's husband when he said it and she nodded. She couldn't deny the dangers of her job, but she was good at what she did, and there were no Germans shooting at her over Las Vegas.
“I'm careful.”
“We all are. Sometimes that's not enough. Sometimes you just have to be lucky.”
“Be lucky… please…” she whispered to him, and he looked at her for a long time, and then without a word, he did what he had wanted to for so long, and never dared. What he had never let himself do, and thought he never would. But now he knew he had to. He couldn't leave without letting her know how much he loved her. He leaned down ever so gently, and kissed her. And she kissed him back as she had kissed no man before him. There had been no man… only a boy… and now, Nick, the man she had loved since she was old enough to remember.
“I love you,” he whispered into her hair, breathlessly, wishing there could be more, but he knew there couldn't. “I always have… I always will… I want to give you so much, Cass… but I have nothing to give you…”
“How can you say that?” He broke her heart with his words. “I've been in love with you since I was five… I've always loved you. That's all we need. I don't want anything else.”
“You should have lots more than that… you should have a house and kids… you should have a lot of things, like all the things they've given you in California. But they should come from your husband.”
“My parents never had fancy things, but they didn't care. They had each other, and they built my father's business from a pile of dirt. I don't care if we start with nothing.”
“I couldn't let you do that, Cass. And your father would kill me. I'm eighteen years older than you are.”
“So what?” She was unimpressed, all she could think of now was the fact that he loved her. And she didn't want to lose him. Not after all they'd been through.
“I'm an old man,” he tried to object unconvincingly, “compared to you at least. You should marry someone your age and have a mob of kids like your parents.”
“I'd probably go crazy if I did. And I don't want a mob of kids. I never did. Just one or two kids would be fine.” With Nick, even the prospect of children wasn't as daunting as she had once thought it.
