'For chrissakes, June, the family tree is ripe with violent nut cases,' Janet said. 'Would you like me to recite them for you?'
'That won't be necessary. But the people you're talking about now, Janet-the family members you evidently regard as under suspicion of murder-these people are not troubled individuals like Cousin Graham or Uncle Edmund or even Craig. You can only be referring to… to me and to Dick and to Chester and… and to Tidy! Janet, how could you even think such a thing!'
Dale said, 'June, chill out. Janet is just explaining why Don might have to do some sniffing around in the Osborne dirty laundry. Don't forget that under our system of criminal justice, you and Dick are innocent until proven guilty. Of course, if you decide to retain a cracker-jack criminal lawyer, that's up to you.'
June bit her lip, but Bates could no longer contain his indignation, 'Dale, your infernal flippancy is… out of place!'
'I thought it was perfectly placed myself. It's the Osbornes trying to save the soul of the Herald who are getting knocked off, not the Osbornes who are willing to sell out a hundred years of great journalism in order to turn a quick profit. My flippancy pales next to their greed.'
June's eyes flashed with anger. 'Dale, you certainly are trying everyone's patience today,' she said, edging toward her Buick 'And I think Parson and I had better be on our way before one of us says something he or she later regrets. And Janet, I do believe you would be wise to take your family murder plot ideas and run them by Stu Torkildson before you go to the police and start a lot of talk that can only do untold damage to the entire family. Try to be a little farsighted, will you? Or,' June said, with a look of fresh alarm, 'have you already gone blabbing outside the family?'
'Not yet,' Janet said.
'Good. Mr. Strachey, I guess we'll all have to depend on your discretion, like Parson says. Why don't you arrange to have a talk with Stu Torkildson too? He's the Osbornes' business adviser of many years, and when it comes to sensitive situations, Stu is a rock.'
'He could look up, for example,' Dale said to me, 'if anybody in the family has signed a recent contract with Murder, Inc.'
I said, 'Isn't Torkildson the man who came up with the investment idea that forced the Herald into such deep debt that you're now forced to sell the paper? You mean he's still around?'
Dale gave me a look that said, 'Now you're catching on,' and Janet watched us all benignly.
It was Parson Bates who blurted out, 'Your gall, Mr. Strachey, is exceeded only by the depth of your misinformation. The Herald's financial difficulties were caused not by poor judgment, but by changing circumstances no one could have foreseen. Not even Stu Torkildson, a man of keen mind and Christian probity, could have predicted a recession and a one-hundred-twenty-five percent increase in newsprint costs. I take strong exception to your maligning this man of character.'
I said, 'I thought the company's sixteen-million-dollar debt was the result of a risky, grandiose resort project that didn't pan out and had to be sold at a huge loss. I wasn't suggesting that Torkildson was wicked, just vainglorious and dumb.'
'Yes, that's the conventional wisdom on the Herald's troubles,' Bates said. 'But the truth of the matter is a good deal more complex, I can assure you.'
'Clue me in on the complexities. I'm all ears.'
Bates was about to speak when June cut him off. 'Perhaps we could rehash the Herald's troubles another time, Mr. Strachey, but not just now. Parson and I really must be on our way. It was a pleasure to meet you, and it was nice to see you too, Dale. Janet, keep me posted on this awful Jet Ski business. I do hope it's not what you seem to think it is. Losing Eric was horrible enough, and none of us in the family wants you to be run over and drowned, Janet, no matter what you might think of us. And, of course, another murder would just kill Mom.' At this, June let loose with a hysterical giggle, and yelped, 'Oh, what in heaven's name am I saying!'
'Well, what are you saying?' Dale asked, but June had turned in confusion and was climbing into her car.
'Good luck!' June sang out wackily, and Bates lowered himself into June's Buick beside her, sniffing and throwing eye darts at us, like in the funnies. The car eased around us and cruised out into Maple Street and away.
After we watched the car go, Janet said dryly, 'Don, you probably think June's looniness is atypical among the Osbornes.'
I said, 'No, don't forget that I've met your brother too.'
'Right.'
'Who's the reverend?'
'He's not a reverend. Parson Bates is his name. He's a local pear farmer, antique spats dealer, and the neo- con columnist for the Herald. Dad always believed that in a one-newspaper town like Edens-burg the paper had a responsibility to give opposing voices a forum, provided that their bigotry is at least thinly veiled, which Parson's generally is.'
Dale added, 'Both Parson's politics and his moral beliefs are barely distinguishable from Cotton Mather's, although he sees himself as marginally more modern than that. He does, however, draw a line at the twentieth century-which he disapproves of more or less in toto-and he styles himself as a kind of genial nineteenth-century, belovedly dotty country squire. Parson does have a devoted following-not including, of course, those Herald readers who suspect that he may be clinically insane. In his columns, Parson likes to draw lessons to live by from nature. And when he's out in his orchard and the raptures are upon him, and he starts hearing his pears offering moral instruction, look out. His 'unnatural' personal and social evils range from Wal-Mart to welfare to gangsta rap-which in one column he insisted on referring to repeatedly as 'gangster' rap. And, hey, don't get Parson started on cun- nilingus.'
I said, 'He actually deals in old spats? Not petty-argument spats, but those cloth-and-leather things people used to wear over their insteps and ankles?'
'Parson is world renowned among spats collectors,' Janet said.
Dale added, 'People come from all over, every year, by the ones and twos.'
'Not all his betes noires sound unreasonable to me,' I said. 'As a social evil, Wal-Mart would be high up on my list too.'
'Parson is actually an interesting mixture,' Janet said, 'of small-is-beautiful and small-minded-is- beautiful.'
'And he and June are chums?'
'Since seventh grade. June and Dick and Parson and his wife, Evangeline, play whist out at the Bateses' every Friday night, and they're all on the board of the museum together.'
I said, 'Has Bates ever been known to turn violent?'
'Not physically,' Janet said. 'Anyway, I know he's ambivalent about the Herald's being sold to InfoCom He's loyal to June and he'd love to see the paper's liberal traditions interred, but he also hates ruthless, amoral big business. So it's hard to imagine Parson involved in a plot to do away with me or Dan or Mom. On the other hand, it's also true that Parson and Eric couldn't stand each other '
'They fought?'
'Avoided each other, mainly. Eric had no patience with the way Parson used nature in his writing to support his prejudices, including a raging homophobia that's just barely under wraps. And Parson was jealous, I think, of Eric's talent and success as a nature writer. Also, Eric's and Eldon's being casually out as a couple drove Parson gaga. He was always fuming to people about them-an affront to nature, and all that. Dale and me he tolerates more easily. First of all, we're women, and not to be taken so seriously as men. Also, I think, he sees us as a 'Boston marriage,' one of those nineteenth-century eccentric institutions even the religious Emersonians made room for in their expansive universe. But two men together? The horror, the horror.'
Dale was about to add something to this when the side door of the Osborne house opened again, and a stout, middle-aged woman in powder-blue slacks and a peach-colored blouse came out and, looking distressed, called Janet's name.
'Elsie, hi, we'll be right in. How's Mom?'
'Not good. You'll see as soon as you get in here. She's not good.'
'What's the matter?' Janet said, looking alarmed.
