The Mad and the MacAbre

'He was that good when I found him. Can Cooper catch?'

'Yeah, but not one of those Frisbees. They're bigger than she is!'

'What can she catch?'

'A bouncy ball. I have to do it at home, though. It won't work on the grass.'

'I'd like to see that,' Charlie said.

Had he accidentally made a suggestive comment? Charlie sure hoped not. He couldn't honestly say that he was attracted to her, but he still didn't want to screw the date up this early, if for no other reason than to have to face Alicia on Monday.

She smiled. 'Maybe you will.'

Okay, that had been a suggestive comment.

They spent another hour at the dog park. Though the conversation didn't always flow freely, they were able to fill the silences by watching the dogs play. Liz suggested that they get an early dinner, so they drove in separate cars to Charlie's favorite seafood restaurant. Never having brought a guest there before, Charlie suddenly became very concerned about the quality of the food--maybe he only liked the flounder because he didn't know what good flounder tasted like!--but decided that he really couldn't worry about it.

'Please don't destroy my car,' Charlie told Kutter as they pulled into the restaurant's parking lot. 'You have no idea how happy it will make me if I come back and you haven't wrecked anything. You went to the bathroom before we left and you haven't eaten anything that you should need to vomit, so there's no excuse. If you have to slobber, slobber, but don't chew up the seats. Okay?'

As Charlie ate his baked flounder and Liz ate her salmon Caesar salad, Charlie decided that the date had gone from 'much less painful than he would have expected' to 'absolutely fantastic.' By the time they'd finished their crab cake appetizers her physical appearance didn't bother him at all. In fact, her smile and the way her eyes lit up when she spoke made her more appealing to look at than a lot of genuinely pretty women he knew. And she was easy to talk to. Almost as easy as Kutter, and the best part was that she talked back.

They had similar tastes in movies and television shows, both hated sports, had differing political views (Liz was a passionate Democrat, while Charlie had no interest in the subject whatsoever and had never voted in a single election), both read very few books, and neither had travelled extensively. Charlie wasn't thrilled with her choice of dessert, since bread pudding was among the nastiest concoctions ever devised by humankind, but he happily shared it with her.

She asked if he wanted to go back to her place to watch a movie, and he enthusiastically accepted her offer.

Aside from a drool mark on the steering wheel, Kutter hadn't harmed his vehicle.

Liz apologized for the condition of her apartment, which was only sparsely furnished and had boxes everywhere, but Charlie didn't mind. It was a nice little apartment, and he was glad that she hadn't asked to continue their date at his house. Kutter and Cooper chased each other around the apartment until finally both dogs fell asleep halfway through When Harry Met Sally. When the movie ended, Liz asked if he wanted her to put in another one. Charlie said sure. A moment later he realized that 'sure' wasn't the answer she was looking for, but it was too late to change course now. She put in 9 1/2 Weeks.

About half an hour into the movie, she asked if he wanted to kiss her, and this time Charlie gave the right answer. Her lips were...perfect.

Half an hour after that, she asked if he wanted to move to the bedroom. He gave the right answer to that, too.

- 11 -

Charlie lay in bed, Liz asleep next to him, thinking that he'd never felt so content. He was pretty sure his performance hadn't been very good, but she'd seemed reasonably satisfied and she certainly hadn't complained. Charlie figured he had the benefit of her two-year dry spell working in his favor.

Just as he was about to fall asleep, Liz woke up and began to kiss his chest. 'Are you still frisky?' she asked.

Charlie nodded.

'We should do it in a way that honors our doggies,' she said, getting on her hands and knees.

Charlie spent all day Sunday at Liz's apartment. They watched a couple of movies and took the dogs for a couple of walks, but spent most of the time in bed. Charlie tried to imagine her strapped down to the table in his basement. It was a repellent image.

He left Sunday night with a kiss and a promise to see her again after work the next day.

* * *

Alicia walked over to his desk as soon as he sat down the next morning.

'You are such a slut,' she whispered. Charlie felt his face turn red and his ears burn as she walked back around the corner, giggling.

* * *

'So do you think I have a girlfriend now?' Charlie asked Kutter, as he put on the dog's leash right after getting home. 'I was only there one night, so I guess it counts as a one night stand, but I spent all day there, too. Don't you usually leave first thing in the morning if it's a one night stand?'

Kutter, as always, provided no useful feedback.

When Charlie went over to her apartment, Liz greeted him wearing nothing but a string bikini and some freshly applied chocolate on her nipples. Charlie decided that she was indeed his girlfriend.

* * *

March 24th. The night of the new hunt.

It used to be like Christmas six times a year. In the days prior to a hunt, he'd be so filled with excitement that he could barely control himself. He'd spend hours sitting in his living room, opening and closing one of his pocketknives, fantasizing about where he'd cut first. Had to start with the extremities--fingers and toes. He didn't want a victim to bleed to death too soon.

Tonight...he just didn't feel like it.

He was enjoying work a lot more these days. Sure, he'd still quit if he won the lottery, received a surprise inheritance, or got a higher offer elsewhere, but the day went by much more quickly now that he interacted with his co-workers in a friendly manner. His relationship with Liz was going wonderfully. He was relatively certain that she considered him more of a 'boy-toy' than a 'soul mate,' but Charlie had never been anybody's boy-toy before and he liked it.

He didn't need to hunt anymore.

Didn't need to kill anymore.

And so, on this particular March 24th, he was not going to roam the streets hunting for prey. He was going to put on the iPod he'd just bought last night, put on the 'Walking Kutter' playlist, take his Boston terrier out for a nice long stroll, and then go out with his girlfriend.

'This is where I found you,' said Charlie, as Kutter sniffed the bench. 'If I hadn't taken you home, you would've been a dog Popsicle. Kutter the dog-flavored Popsicle. That's no way to end your life, buddy.'

As usual, the park was empty. They really needed to promote this place better. Charlie unhooked Kutter's leash and played fetch with a rubber ball for about fifteen minutes. Then, on one throw, Kutter ran in the opposite direction, toward the street.

'Wrong way!' Charlie shouted. It wasn't a particularly busy street, but he could hear a car coming. 'Kutter! Get back here!'

Kutter kept running. Charlie took off after him.

Charlie could see the car now. A small one, but Kutter was headed straight for--