Funny Money

Valentine drove back to Atlantic City in an hour and a half, the New Jersey highway patrol cruisers conveniently parked on the other side of the turnpike. He sang with the radio most of the way, a hot wire igniting his blood.

Rarely did cheaters come up with new ways to beat the house. In twenty years he'd seen it only a handful of times. Yet Juraj Havelka—with Peter Diamondis's aid—had done just that. And he'd added a clever twist. Juraj was never at the blackjack table very long, which meant Anna was tracking the aces. When the deck was primed, she signaled for Juraj to come over. That way, Juraj drew no heat. A perfectly orchestrated scam.

No wonder no one had caught on.

Archie Tanner was hurling things off his desk at the giant screen TV in his office when Valentine walked in a short while later. Cowering behind him were Gigi, Monique, and Brandi. Today's color was blue, and the three women wore matching Chanel outfits. They appeared ready to flee at any moment.

Valentine glanced at the screen. CNN was showing highlights of Indian uprisings taking place around the country. In a rare showing of unity, tribes from Connecticut to California had vowed to expel U.S. government officials from their land if the Micanopys were not given their casino back. The governor of Florida had issued a terse statement, vowing to remain firm.

“Fucking redskin tribal leaders haven't spoken to each other in two hundred fucking years,” Archie roared. “Now, they're rallying around the totem pole because Chief Running Bear is defying whitey!”

Valentine fielded a paperclip holder as it flew past. “We need to talk,” he told the irate casino owner.

Archie nearly came over the desk at him. “For Christ's sake, can't you see I'm busy?” Doing a one-eighty in his chair, he faced the three women standing behind him. “I want you to call the TV stations and threaten to pull my ads if they don't stop running this Chief Running Bear horseshit.”

The women looked stunned. It was Brandi who found the courage to answer him. “You mean the New Jersey stations?”

“I mean the national stations. NBC, CBS, ABC, CNN, Fox.”

“But Archie, we can't do that.”

“Don't ever use that word around me.”

Her face darkened. “We shouldn't.”

“Why the hell not?”

“Because we'll create a worse public relations nightmare.”

“You think so?”

Brandi nodded. The casino owner shifted his gaze to Gigi and Monique to see what they were thinking. Both women nodded their heads in agreement.

“You want to wait tables at Sinbad's? Or deal blackjack? Or do one of the hundred other crummy fucking jobs that pay minimum wage in this casino?”

The question was aimed at all three of them. Wisely, Brandi shook her head no, as did Gigi and Monique.

“Then make the fucking call.”

Eyes downcast, the women walked out of the room. Stopping at the door, Brandi glanced over her shoulder. “Are you sure about this?”

“You'd look good in one of those little keno runner skirts,” Archie told her.

The pirate's door rattled on its hinges. Picking up the remote on the desk, Archie jacked up the TV's volume. CNN's Wolf Blitzer was interviewing Chief Running Bear from his hideaway in the Florida Everglades. Running Bear wore camouflage fatigues and appeared ready for a long haul.

Valentine stood with his jacket in his hand, waiting. Finally Archie looked up at him.

“Can't this wait?” the casino owner asked.

“Not really.”

“Tell one of the girls about it,” he said, staring at the TV.

Valentine nearly told Archie to go to hell. Only this was a job, and he intended to finish it, just like any other job. He walked into the reception area and saw Brandi waiting for the elevator. He touched her sleeve.

“Archie said I should talk to you,” he said.

“Okay,” she said.

They went downstairs to Sinbad's and found an empty booth in the back.

“It's real simple,” Valentine explained after they'd been served. “Your blackjack dealers need to shuffle the cards more. Five times should do the trick. The cards will be closer to a random order, and your tables will be safe from anyone tracking the cards during the shuffle.”

“Is this a new method of cheating?”

“It sure is,” he said.

Brandi smiled, clearly impressed. She'd ordered a cup of herbal tea and now spooned in a teaspoon of honey. “I'm sure Archie would have appreciated hearing this, if he wasn't so preoccupied.”

“I'm sure he would have,” he said.

“This will cost the casino money, though.”

“How's that?”

“The extra shuffles. Anything that slows a game down costs the casino money. That's how Archie sees it, anyway.”

“Look at it as insurance,” Valentine said.

She blew the steam off her drink and Valentine found himself staring at her. She was beautiful, but it was a beauty that struck him as unique. High cheekbones, flawless skin, perfect teeth. She was almost regal. Had he known her a little better, he would have asked where she was from and tried to figure out the bloodlines.

“Why do you put up with him?” he asked.

She put her drink down. “Do you always say what's on your mind?”

“Usually.”

“Well, it's a long story.”

“Those are my favorite kind.”

“Why do you care?”

“You seem like a nice kid.”

“And Archie's a prick, right? Okay, well here it is in a nutshell. I worked the front desk for three years, then graduated up to accounting. I came into contact with Archie a lot. We hit it off.”

“You're kidding,” he said without thinking.

The remark didn't faze her. “Archie's a powerful man, charming when he wants to be. I come from mixed parents, so the idea of having a relationship with him didn't bother me.”

“Oh,” he said.

“One night, Archie called me up to the penthouse, said he needed to see a report. I brought it, and he asked me out to dinner. That's how it started.”

“It must be serious,” he said.

“That's a very old-fashioned expression.”

“I'm an old-fashioned guy.”

Undoing the top button on her blouse, Brandi tugged on a gold chain hanging around her neck. Valentine stared at the diamond engagement ring hanging from it, the stone bigger than most of his teeth.

“Archie promised to marry me after the deal in Florida is done.”

“Congratulations,” he said.

She slipped the chain back into her blouse. “You've known Archie a long time, haven't you?”

Too long, he nearly said. “Yes.”

“Could you see it? Him and me?”

Sure, he thought. Thugs like Archie Tanner married smart, attractive younger women like Brandi all the time. It was called the halo effect. It made them look good to the public.

“I sure can,” he replied.

Her face melted into a beautiful smile.

“Thank you, Mr. Valentine.”

“You're welcome.”