Unable to save him, I throw my head back to the sky and scream my rage, my pain, my sorrow.
“Aaarrrgh!” I sit bolt upright in bed, unaware of my surroundings as I release the rage of my dream. As I slowly realize where I am, I tumble out of bed and stagger towards the door, ignoring the sleepy stirrings of Sarah. I entered the hallway and barely glanced at Charlie, who was stepping into the hallway with a gun in his hand, a quizzical look on his face at the sight of my sweat-drenched features. I went to the suite next to mine and moved quickly to the bed. I fell to me knees and looked closely at my sleeping son. The steady rise and fall of his little chest showed me he was just fine and the realization washed over me like a shower and I could feel the relief cleansing the horrific feelings my nightmare had created.
I heard movement behind me and turned to see Sarah coming into the room.
“Everything okay?” she whispered, placing a hand on my shoulder.
“Yeah,” I said, standing and turning to face her. “We’re fine. Just had a bad dream, that’s all.” I could see Charlie poking his head in the door.
“All good?” he asked.
“Yeah, thanks.” I replied.
“Same dream?” Charlie pressed.
“Yeah,” I sighed. “Same one as before. No changes.”
Sarah looked at me sympathetically. “Come on, let’s get back to bed.” She took my hand and the three of us went back to our respective bedrooms. I caught a glance of Rebecca in the doorway of her and Charlie’s suite. I heard her say, “Dream again?” to Charlie before he shut the door.
Sarah and I dropped onto the bed and I turned the pillow over to lie on the dry side.
“I don’t understand where this is coming from,” I said to Sarah. “I would have thought that the nightmares would have been earlier, when our survival was in doubt and I was doing everything just to stay alive. Nothing then. But now, when things are relatively secure, I’m dreaming about everyone I care about dying all around me. And Jake, he’s dead in my arms. What the hell?” I put my arm over my eyes and tried to get the images out of my head. Lately this dream had been happening more frequently. I wish I knew what it meant.
Sarah put a hand on my chest. “I know I can tell you it’s just a dream, but something is eating at you, something you may not even realize. And it’s manifesting itself in your dreams as the one thing you’re most afraid of.”
“What’s that?” I looked over at her.
“Failure.” She said.
“Failure?” I didn’t understand.
“Think about it, John. You’ve beaten back the zombies. You’re taking back what we lost, restoring our world to us, one small region at a time. You may think you’re not part of it, but people still look to you to lead them, to bring them out of the dark. You’ve been successful in nearly everything you’ve done for this miserable world and I think you’re scared of how hard the other shoe is going to drop.”
I had to admit she had a point. I had been unbelievably lucky and the fact that I had managed to get this far was stunning in the extreme. I guess I might have been waiting for my luck to run out.
Sarah continued. “Problem is, you get scared, you get killed. If you start thinking too much about what you are doing and how it might affect the future, you’re going to hesitate when you shouldn’t.” Sarah put a hand on my chest. “Maybe it’s time you accepted the role you avoided when you left Leport.”
I looked over at her in the dark. “What do you mean.?” I asked.
Sarah smiled. “You’ve created these communities and they are alive, but in order to live, to grow, they need a cohesive leader, someone to step up and say ‘Follow me.’ Whether you like it or not, John, you and Charlie and the Knucklehead Twins are the best leaders this country can produce right now.”
I turned to face her. “Then we’re seriously more screwed than I originally thought.” I tried to make light of the situation, but it wasn’t working.
Sarah smiled at me. “You were the only one in that school that had a vision for the future and you never lost sight of it. You refused to accept living on the fringe, taking what scraps could be had for existence. You carved out a life for people who had no hope, taking from the monsters who were coming to get us. You did that, John. You and Charlie and Tommy and Duncan. You did and no matter what happens, people will never forget you for it.”
“That’s why I came here, I didn’t want…” I started but Sarah wouldn’t let me finish.
“Dammit, John! Face the truth. You’re the leader this country needs to bring it back,” her voice softened. “Everyone else knows it. It’s time you did too.” Sarah snuggled into my arms and murmured into my shoulder. “Now go to sleep. Sunup is coming earlier and earlier.”
I wrapped my arm around her and settled back into my pillow. Like I’m going to sleep now. I thought to myself. But shortly, I was drifting off, and thankfully, no more nightmares.
7
In the morning, after I had fed Jake and made sure he was happy, I went to the workout room for my daily routines. Charlie and I had spent considerable time finding and bringing home workout equipment. We had decided that a certain level of strength and fitness helped a great deal when it came to combating zombies and we also did it because once the crops were planted and the animals were fed, there wasn’t much else to do. After our workouts with free weights, Charlie and I sparred for an hour. We fought for real and a casual observer would have thought we were trying to kill each other. But I had realized that we needed to train like we fought and the only way to do that was to forgo pulling our punches and make it for real. After months of bruises, black eyes and the occasional broken fingers, we got better and were able to protect ourselves more effectively, not allowing strikes to connect, or turning them away without injury. Between the two of us, it would have been hard to determine who was the better fighter. But I felt confident going into combat that I could reasonably account for myself.
We finished our sparring and I was smarting from a hit to my shoulder. Charlie was nursing a forearm, but apart from that we were sweaty, but okay. Every other day was weapons practice and both Charlie and I made sure Jake and Julia watched us. I wanted the kids to get the images into their subconscious on how to protect themselves and when they were old enough, they were going to be trained. Some would argue that I was being paranoid, but I knew full well it was going to be a long time before we could count on others for our security and safety. For now and the immediate future, it was every man for himself.
After I cleaned up I went to the main room where Sarah was reading to Jake and Rebecca was watching Julia play. Warm spring sunshine reflected off the stone patio and a cool morning breeze worked its way through the lodge, promising a very beautiful day.
I sat down in a chair and watched the kids play for a bit. Sarah smiled at me then returned to reading to Jacob. I sat back and let myself relax for a minute, then stood up as Charlie and Simon walked into the room. Simon was wearing his pack and looked like he was ready to keep moving.
“Not staying?” I asked, moving over to the big table.
Simon shook his head. “Just feel the need to keep on the move, you know? Maybe I’ll find another place like this for myself. There’s a lot of parks and such up north in Wisconsin and Michigan.”
I nodded. “Probably. But you’re taking a huge risk walking all that way.”
Simon laughed. “I figure if I can get here from California, I can pretty much get anywhere.”
I smiled. “True. Well, if you need anything or if you find yourself back this way, you’re always welcome.”
Simon extended his hand. “I appreciate that. I really do. I’m grateful for your hospitality, wish I could return the favor somehow.”
Charlie nodded. “We’ll think of something. Right now, the best thing you can do for us is to let anyone you meet know about us and if they want to come down to the communities, they’re welcome.”
Simon looked sober. “I can’t begin to tell you how glad I am I met up with you guys. After what I saw in California, I figured it was every man for himself. But you guys really want to get the country back together, don’t you?”
I considered my answer. “If we don’t do something, then we’ll fall apart, into little kingdoms where the only law is violence. We have been cursed with this virus, but in a way it has been a blessing. We’ve been given a chance to correct the mistakes we made in the past, to build a better, stronger country. We can’t let the bastards
