malnourished and thirsty in the mud huts. Weren't the people of Jeannette the reason so much money was donated to this project? Weren't their pathetic photographs used to touch the donors' hearts and pockets?
Now it is clear to me what the promotional bulletin meant when it said: 'Do something for your soul, go to Haiti.' For this mission, Haiti is a place to relax, have nightly cocktail parties, and feel important as you watch the natives beg for your leftovers and trash. Returning to my homeland with the Haiti Mission project did do something for my soul: It wounded it deeply.
A POEM ABOUT WHY I CAN'T WAIT GOING HOME AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN by Gina Ulysse
Every morning from the time I was three
I had to open my mouth to receive
two tablespoons full of emulsion scott
sometimes I would pinch my nose so I couldn't smell it
making it easier to swallow that pasty white liquid
that left my tongue tasting of salty tears and cod liver oil
Often we had to chase it with homemade V-8
watercress celery beets spinach carrots and all sorts of
other things that grow in the earth to give little weaklings strength
Despite the grimaces pouts tears
despite the nos the I don't want tos the cries the wails
the screams that often preceded this ritual
eventually I would drink it
not because it's good for me
but because I had to I didn't have a choice
I had to open my mouth
let it slime down my throat
and swallow
When I was about fifteen
One day my father called all three of us in the living room
and told us we had to let go of our dreams
and be serious about the future
Poor man not even a son to carry on his name
he had been cursed with three girls
and we wanted to be a singer a dancer and a writer
After calling us by our names he said
I want a doctor a lawyer and a dentist
I remember saying to him
I don't care if I never have any money
(though I would change my mind later)
I don't care if I never have any money
even if I live in a tent as long as I have my music
What are you asking me that I live this life my life for you
In all my sassiness I dared him.
And when would I live my life? when you die?
the horror on his face I have since forgotten
but I remember mother verbally mourning her wasted life
having given him the best years of her life
and realizing that I only get to do this 'life thing' once
so I was going to do it on my terms
as long as I have a choice
I remember the first time I went back to Haiti
It had been 17 years
but I had to hide in a hotel so daddy wouldn't know I was there
Desperate to refill all the gaps in my past
I stole back memories at night to retrace my childhood
I begged my cousin to drive me around
to the house on rue darguin
but it was long gone
and had been replaced with an edifice that
breathed the same coldness as the Pentagon
then we went to the gingerbread house
that too had been demolished and reconstructed
though the mango tree was still there
le petit chaperon rouge had been closed for years
vines interlaced with the iron of the gate
I went back again two years later
and I remember a conversation with a man
who has lived in Haiti longer than I did
this white man who says he loves my country
the country that I saw in newspapers and on TV
for seventeen years
the country that for the longest time I only went to in translation
we were talking about class and color
I was asserting my gramscian ideals
about the importance of and the need to fight both wars-
the war of maneuver and the war of position
especially the war of position
so we can take back spaces
hence why I tie my head with a scarf when I go to those places
you think they care he replied
they don't care about your aunt jemima head
uhmm! even after over twenty years in this country
you still have no other references I said quietly
Oh these ethnic notions I thought enraged
after over twenty years in my country his social limits were intact
for me that was the end of the conversation
after all this was not a teach-in
I've been thinking a lot about writing a poem
about the meaning of the word
about how this word is just another four letter word
about how this word is just another way to say
I am going to fuck you
not only are you not going to enjoy it
