She was still horsing around in the bathroom when the waiter came. I got down another fast drink; then, I gulped and coughed and a whole mouthful of blood came up in my handkerchief.
I raised the bottle again. I lowered it, holding my breath, swallowing as rapidly as I could. And there wasn't any blood that time-none came up-but I knew it was there.
I'd already been damned sick in front of her once. If I was sick very much; if she thought I might be on the way down… down like Jake…
11
She came out of the bathroom feeling a lot better than when she went in, and with a fresh half pint of whiskey in me I wasn't feeling so bad myself. We ate all the breakfast, with her helping out quite a bit on my share. I lighted cigarettes for us, and she lay back on the pillows.
'Well?' she crinkled her eyes at me.
'Well, what?' I said.
'How was it?'
'Best coffee I ever drank,' I said.
'Stinker!' She let out with that guffaw again. I was getting to where I waited for that, too, like I'd waited for her snoring. 'Mmm?' she said. 'I do if you do. Want to come back to bed with mama?'
'Look, baby,' I said. 'I'm sorry as hell, but-well, you'll have to be starting back.'
'Huh!' She sat up. 'Aw, now, honey! You said-'
'I said we'd stay overnight. We've done it. It doesn't make any difference whether-'
'It does too make a difference! You haven't been stuck in that God-forsaken hole as long as I have! I… Why don't we do it like we planned, honey? I can go back tonight, and you can come tomorrow… that'll give us a whole day together. Or I can stay-I'll go over and stay with sis tonight-and come tomorrow, and you can-'
'Look, baby; look, Fay,' I said. 'I guess I hadn't thought the thing through. I've had plenty of things to think about, and I couldn't see that it mattered much whether-'
'Of course, it matters! Why wouldn't it matter?'
'You've got to go back,' I said. 'Now. Or I'll start back and you can come later on in the day. I can't stay at the house overnight unless you're there. I've got to have you there to yes me, in case something pops with Jake. If he should get out of line like he did the first night-'
'Pooh! For all we know he may not even come home.'
'That's another thing. He's got to start staying there. All the time. You'll have to see that he does. He can't just be there on the one night that something happens to him.'
'Hell!' She stamped out her cigarette angrily, and reached for the bottle. 'Just when I think I'm going to… Well, gosh, honey. You could go back tomorrow, and I could go back tonight. Why wouldn't that be all right?'
'I'm afraid of it. I'm not supposed to have much dough. It doesn't look right for me to take damned near three days to pick up a suit.'
She slammed the whiskey bottle down angrily.
'I'm sorry as hell, Fay,' I said.
She didn't say anything.
'We just can't take chances now. We've got too much to lose-' I went on talking and explaining and apologizing; and! knew she'd better snap out of it fast or she wouldn't be able to get back to Peardale.
Finally, she turned back around; maybe she noticed the tightening of my voice. 'All right, honey,' she sighed, half pouting. 'If that's the way it is, why that's the way it is.'
'Fine. That's my baby,' I said. 'We'll have our good times. Just you and me and thirty grand; maybe five or ten more if it's an A-1 job.'
'Oh, I know, Carl,' her smile was back. 'It'll be wonderful. And I'm awfully sorry if I-I was just kind of disappointed and-'
'That's okay,' I said.
She wanted me to go back to Peardale first. She wanted to laze around a while, and take her time about dressing. I said it would be all right. Just so she showed before night.
We chewed the fat a while longer; just talking without saying much. After a while, she said, 'Mmmmm, honey?' and held out her arms to me; and I knew I couldn't do it. Not so soon, not now. God, Jesus, I knew I couldn't do it.
But I did!
I struggled and strained, aching clear down to my toenails; and I kept my eyes closed, afraid to let her see what she might see in them, and… and I was in that drab desert where the sun shed neither heat nor light, and…
… What about that afterwards, anyway? If there was an afterwards. What about her?
I stared out the dirty window of the Long Island train, half dozing, my mind wandering around and around and drifting back to her. What about her?
She was stacked. She was pretty. She was just about everything you could want in a woman-as long as you were on top or you looked like you might be on top.
But I couldn't see it, the one big long party which was what it would be like with her. I couldn't see it, and couldn't take it. What I wanted was… well, I wasn't sure but it wasn't that. Just to be by myself. Maybe with someone like-well, like Ruthie-someone I could be myself around.
Ruth. Fay. Fay, Ruth. Or what? I didn't know what I wanted. I wasn't even real sure about what I didn't want. I hadn't wanted to be dragged in on this mess, but I had to admit I'd been getting pretty fed up out there in Arizona. I'd kept quiet about it, but I'd had more than one babe in my shack. Hell, the last month, I'd had two or three a week, a different one each time. And they were all okay, I guess, they all had plenty on the ball. But somehow none of them seemed to be it-whatever it was I wanted.
Whatever it was I wanted.
My eyes drifted shut, and stayed shut. The Man would probably have something to say about Fay. He might see a spot where he could use her again, or he might decide that she was a bad risk. He'd talk to me about it, of course. And if I wanted her, and was responsible for her.
I didn't know. I didn't want her now, her or anyone else. But that was natural enough. Tomorrow, the next day… afterwards? I didn't know.
My head fell over against the window, and I went to sleep.
It was hours later when I woke up.
I was way the hell out to the end of the line, and the conductor was shaking me.
Somehow I managed to keep from punching the stupid bastard in the face. I paid the extra fare, plus the fare back to Peardale. It was still early afternoon. I could still get back to Peardale well ahead of her.
I went to the john and washed my face. I came back to my seat, studying the minute hand on my watch, wondering what the hell was holding us up. And then I glanced out the window, and started cursing.
Mr. Stupid, the conductor, who should have picked up my seat check and put me off at Peardale-he and all the other trainmen were sauntering up the street together. Taking their own sweet time about it. Shoving and grab-assing with each other, and braying like a bunch of mules.
They turned in at a restaurant.
They stayed in there, doing what God only knows, because they couldn't have been eating that long. They must have stayed in the place two hours.
Finally, when I was just about ready to go up into the locomotive and drive off by myself, they got through doing whatever they were doing and sauntered back to the station again. They got there, eventually, back to the station. But, of course, they didn't climb on the damned train and get going.
The had to stand around on the station platform, gabbing and picking their teeth.
