hour; and she'd never let on. We'd been together again on Wednesday-and I mean,
She was waiting. She was going to let it all slide, convince me that she hadn't seen anything, before she made her move.
She waited a whole week, until the next Sunday night and…
I'd thought that school couldn't be any worse than it'd been that Friday, but it was. Maybe it just seemed worse because there was so much more of it and so much less of me.
That wire Mrs. Summers had told me about. This trouble with Fay. Ruthie. Kendall. Jake.
Jake was at the house for almost every meal. A couple of mornings he even ate breakfast with Kendall and me. He was still hitting the jug pretty hard, but he didn't seem to sag so much.
He seemed to be getting bigger, and I was getting littler. Every day there was a little bit less of me.
I said he was hitting the bottle pretty hard. But he wasn't even in it with me. I had to nail down my breakfast every morning with a few drinks before I could go to school. And I had to have more in the afternoon before I could get to work, and at night…
Thursday night I took a bottle up to my room with me, and I got half cockeyed. I got a notion in my head to go over and wake Kendall up and tell him I was too sick to go on. I'd tell him I wanted to take him up on that business of going to Canada in his car, and I knew he'd argue a little but not much, because if a guy was that far gone, there wasn't much use in trying to use him. So he'd let me do it, and I'd go there, and in a few days someone from The Man would show up and…
But I couldn't get that drunk. It would have been too easy, and there was still a little hope left in me.
I had to go on waiting and hoping, losing more of the little that was left of myself.
It didn't seem possible that I'd slipped so far, that so much had gone wrong in such a short length of time. I guess I'd been walking on the edge of a cliff for a longtime, and it didn't take a very big breeze to start me sliding.
It was almost a relief to slide.
Well…
I got through the week. Sunday came again, and I kind of wanted to go to church and see Mrs. Summers again but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I got to thinking why about her-why I wanted to please her and make her face light up-and all I could think of was that I might be trying to pull something on her like I had on Mrs. Fields.
I spent almost the whole day at the bakery; not just my shift but the day. I was actually there longer than Kendall was, and you had to go some to beat him.
Finally, though, it was ten o'clock, and I hadn't done anything but loaf for a couple of hours. So when he suggested knocking off, I didn't have any excuse for staying.
I showered and changed clothes. We walked home together.
He said I was doing fine. 'I've been able to turn in a very good report on you, Mr. Bigelow,' he said.
'Swell,' I said.
'Studies going satisfactorily? Nothing I can help you with? After all, we mustn't lose sight of the fact that your job is only a means to an end. If it interferes with your school-the reason for your being here- why-'
'I understand,' I said.
We said good night and I turned in.
I woke up a couple of hours later when Fay crawled into bed with me.
She'd taken off her nightgown, and she snuggled up close to me, warm and soft and sweet- smelling.
A little moonlight sifted past the edge of the window shades. It fell across the pillows, and I could see into her eyes. And they didn't tell me a thing, as they should have. And because they didn't, they told me a lot.
I knew she was ready to spring it.
'Carl-' she said. 'I-I've got something to tell you.'
'Well?'
'It's about Jake. H-he-he's going to go back to jail until after the trial.'
My guts sank into my stomach like a fist. Then a little laugh came out of me and I said, 'You're kidding.'
She rolled her head on the pillows. 'It's the truth, honey, if he's telling me the truth. Is it-is it bad?'
'Bad,' I said. 'Is it bad!'
'I don't mean he's going right away, honey. Tonight's the first time he's mentioned it, and the way he hates jail it'll probably take him a week to work himself up-'
'But,' I said, 'what-why is he doing it?'
'Gosh, I just don't know, honey.'
'You told me he couldn't take jail. You told me he'd never go back. He knew it wouldn't change a damned thing.'
'You told me that, too, honey. Remember?' She squirmed lazily against the sheets. 'Scratch my back, will you, baby? You know. Down low there.'
I didn't scratch it. If I'd got a grip on her hide right then, I'd have pulled it off of her.
'Fay,' I said. 'Look at me.'
'Mmmm?' She tilted her head and looked. 'Like this, Carl?'
'Jake's been getting his nerve back. He's in a lot better shape than he was when I came here. Why this sudden notion to go back to jail?'
'I told you, honey, I don't know. It doesn't make sense.'
'You think he means it?'
'I'm pretty sure he means it. Once he gets an idea in his head, like he did about you, you know, he never lets go.'
'I see,' I said.
'Is it ba-we can do it, now, can't we Carl? Let's kill him now and get it over with. The quicker it's done the sooner we can be together. I know you'd probably rather go on like this as long as you can, but-'
'Why?' I said. 'Why do you think I'd rather?'
'Well, you would, wouldn't you? You're having a good time. You and your dear sweet little-t-trashy little-'
I said: 'What the hell are you talking about?'
'Never mind. The point is I'm not going to go on like this any longer. Even if you do want to.'
She wouldn't come all the way out with what was eating on her, and anyway I already knew. It would only lead to a brawl, and things were bad enough as they were.
'I'll tell you why I'd rather wait,' I said. 'I was told to. And the guy who told me wasn't talking to exercise his lungs.'
'W-what do-' Her eyes shifted nervously. 'I don't see what difference it makes if-'
'I told you. I spelled it out for you.'
'Well, it doesn't make any difference! I don't care what anyone says. We can do it now just as well as not.'
'All right. It doesn't make any difference,' I said. 'You said it doesn't, so that settles
