The Kill-Off

'But I'll have to do it tonight, girl! Have to if I'm goin' to at all.'

'Why do you?' I said. 'If it's waited all these years, why can't it wait a little longer?'

'Because it can't! This party's telephone will-will-'

She broke off abruptly, turning to stir something on the stove. 'My heavens, girl! I get to jabbering with you, and I'll burn up everything in the house.'

'What about the telephone, Mama?' I said. 'What were you going to say?'

'Nothing. How do I know, anyway?' Mama said. 'Lord, what a day! I'm getting so rattled I don't know what I'm saying.'

I laughed, and said I wouldn't worry again. I told her I really didn't want her to see the party she'd mentioned- that I'd really be very angry if she did. And she nodded and mumbled, so that took care of that.

I went back up to my room. I took off my robe, put on some fresh underthings and stretched out on the bed. It was nice and cool. I'd left the bedroom door open, and the draft sucked the alfalfa-smelling breeze through the window.

I closed my eyes, really relaxing for about the first time all day. My mind seemed to go completely empty for a moment-just cleared out of everything. And then all sorts of things, images, began to drift through it:

Mama… Papa… Bobbie… the pavilion… Me… Me going into the pavilion. Unlocking the ticket booth. Going into Daddy's office, and opening the safe. Taking out the change box, and-

My eyes popped open, and I sat up suddenly. Then, I remembered that this was Monday, that there wouldn't be any dance tonight so I wouldn't have to work.

I sighed, and started to lay back down again.

I sat back up, slowly, feeling my eyes get wider and wider. Feeling my stomach sort of squeeze together inside, then gradually unsqueeze.

I got my purse off the dresser. I took out my key ring, stared at it for a moment and dropped it back in the purse.

It was almost four o'clock. I undid my hair, even though it had only been up a little while, and then I began to dress.

Mama came upstairs while I was putting my face on. She started to go on by to her own room, but she saw me dressed and fixing my face, so she turned back and came in. She asked me where in the world I thought I was going at this time of day.

'Oh, I thought I'd meet Bobbie in town tonight,' I said. 'I think it might be better than having him come here to the house, if people are doing any talking.'

'But it ain't tonight yet,' Mama said. 'You haven't even had your supper yet. What-'

'I don't want any supper, Mama,' I said. 'Heavens, I just got through stuffing myself just a little while ago, didn't I? Anyway, the real reason I want to leave early is so I won't have to see Papa. I just can't face him again so soon, after the way he acted at lunch.'

Mama started getting nervous. She said Papa would be sure to wonder about my being away at supper time, and what was she going to tell him?

I turned around from the mirror, looking pretty exasperated, I guess, because I certainly felt that way.

'Why, for heaven's sake, just tell him the truth, Mama,' I said. 'I mean, tell him I ate late and I didn't want any supper-dinner-so I just went on into town. I'll just walk around or drink a malted or something until it's time to meet Bobbie. Good grief, there's nothing wrong with that, is there? Can't I even go down town without explaining and arguing and arguing and explaining until-'

'What you getting so excited about, girl?' Mama looked at me suspiciously. 'You up to something?'

I drew in my breath real deep, giving her a good hard stare. And then I turned back to the mirror again.

'Look, girl,' Mama mumbled, apologetically. 'I'm just worried about you. If you've got some notion of-well, I don't know what you might be thinking about doing. But-'

'Mama,' I said. 'I'm going to get awfully mad in a minute.'

'But, girl. You just can't-'

'All right, Mama,' I said. 'All right! I've argued and explained just as much as I'm going to, and now I'm not going to say another word. Not another word, Mama! I told you why I was leaving early. I told you I couldn't bear to face Papa tonight, and I can't. I simply can't, Mama, and there's no reason why I should, and I haven't the slightest intention of making the slightest effort to do so, and-and I'm not going to say another word about it, and I don't want to hear another word about it!'

She twitched, and rubbed her hands together. I'll bet they wouldn't be so red and big-veined if she wasn't always rubbing them together. She started to argue again, but I told her I'd cry if she did. So that stopped her right at the start.

'Well,' she mumbled, 'you're going to drink a cup of coffee first, anyway. I'm not going to let you leave this house without at least something hot on your stomach.'

'Oh, Mama,' I sighed. 'Well, hurry up and get it, if you're going to! I can't drink it after I put my lipstick on.'

She hurried downstairs, and brought me up some coffee. I drank it, and started fixing my mouth.

She watched me, twitching and massaging her hands. I caught her eye in the mirror, gave her a good hard look, believe me, and she shifted her eyes quickly. She didn't look at me again until I was all through.

'Well,' I said, 'I guess I'd better run along, now, if I want to miss Papa.'

'All right, girl.' She got up from the bed where she'd been sitting. 'Take care of yourself, now, and don't stay out too late.'

She started to kiss me good-bye; and that was kind of funny, you know, because she doesn't go in much for kissing. I pretended I didn't know what she meant to do, turning my head so as not to get my face smeared.

After all, I didn't have time to fix it again, did I? And if she wanted to kiss someone, why did she have to wait until they were in a hurry and all ready to go somewhere?

'Girl,' she said, nervously. 'I don't want you getting upset again, but-promise me, girl! Promise you won't-'

'Now, Mama, I have promised,' I said. 'I've told you and told you, and I'm not going to tell you again. Now, will you please stop harping on the subject?'

'You don't have to do anything, girl! I'll go-I'll think of something. Something's bound to turn up.'

'Well, all right!' I said. 'All right, for heaven's sake!'

And I snatched up my purse, and left.

She called after me, but I kept right on going, down the stairs and out the door. Then, as I was going out the gate, she called to me again-waved to me from the bedroom window. So, well, I gave her a smile and waved back.

I honestly wasn't mad, you know, and naturally I didn't mean to do anything that would make her feel bad. It was just that I had so much on my mind, that I simply couldn't stand any more.

It was a little after five when I got downtown, about five-fifteen. I wanted Papa to get clear home before I went to his office, so that meant I had almost forty-five minutes to kill. Well, thirty-five minutes, anyway, figuring that it would take ten minutes to walk down to the pavilion.

I sauntered around the courthouse square a couple of times, looking in the store windows. I