The Woman who Went to Bed for a Year

children, but it became worse when Brian and Poppy started to sing along with Sinatra to ‘Strangers In The Night’. Brian sang with a pseudo-American accent, and Poppy’s falsetto was painfully out of tune.

The twins put their fingers down their throats and clapped their noise-cancelling headphones firmly on to their ears. By the time the car passed the sign for the Leeds turn-off, Brian and Poppy were serenading each other with ‘I’ve Got You Under My Skin’.

As soon as Brian had dropped them outside Sentinel Towers, the twins headed towards the lift, to put their Christmas presents from their family on eBay – the second-hand iPad is were laughably out of date and irrelevant to their needs. The iPads lay at the bottom of a black plastic bag together with the scarf Ruby had knitted for Brian Junior and the Tony Blair autobiography, inscribed on the title page: ‘To Brianne, Happy Christmas from Grandma Yvonne’.

But Poppy lingered and tried to convey by the use of her eyes that Brian was the most fascinating man she’d ever known and that she could not bear to drag herself away from him.

At 3.30 a.m. Brian Junior heard Poppy’s door open and her shower start.

She was singing, ‘I’ve got me under my skin.’

It enraged Brian Junior. He thumped on the wall with his fist and frightened himself by thinking, ‘I could actually kill her.’

He knew from his research on the deep web that it was possible to ‘disappear’ someone and never be caught.

44

Nurse Spears ordered Eva to remove her nightgown. She wanted to examine her body for bedsores.

Eva covered her nakedness as much as she could with the duvet.

Nurse Spears said, ‘I’ve known people die from bed-sores, Mrs Beaver. If unattended, they can lead to infection, ulceration – and, eventually, amputation.’ She lifted Eva’s ankles and stared at her heels critically. She then moved to Eva’s buttocks, and finished by checking her elbows. She seemed almost disappointed to find no angry sores. ‘You’ve obviously been using a good barrier cream.’

‘No,’ said Eva, ‘but I know about bedsores, I just keep moving and changing position.’

When Eva was dressed, the nurse took her blood pressure and frowned at the result, even though it was in the normal range. She stuck a thermometer in Eva’s ear and, again, frowned at what she saw. She put the thermometer away and asked, ‘How are your bowels?’

Eva said politely, ‘Mine are fine, how are yours?’

‘I’m delighted that you are able to be so light-hearted, Mrs Beaver, considering your circumstances. I understand, from your mother downstairs, that your husband is living with another woman in the garden extension.’

‘It’s a shed.’

‘Your mother also tells me that when you need to use the bathroom facilities, you construct what you call a “White Pathway”, which you seem to think is an extension of your bed. Is this true?’

‘Yes, it’s true. It is an extension of the bed. If I fired a bullet at your skull and it blew it apart, Nurse Spears, would the bullet that did so be a property of itself or the gun?’ She half remembered this from overhearing a conversation one morning at breakfast, between Brian and Brian Junior about quantum physics, which had only ended when the marmalade jar had slipped through Brian’s hands and fallen on to the floor.

Nurse Spears was writing on Eva’s notes.

Eva said, ‘I’d like to see what you’ve written.’

The nurse said, moving the notes out of Eva’s reach, ‘I’m afraid your notes are confidential.’

Eva said, ‘You’re mistaken, Nurse Spears. The law allows patients to read their notes.’

‘I have made a judgement that you are not mentally strong enough to read your own notes. It could set off another psychotic episode.’

‘I am physically and mentally well.’

‘It is quite common for psychotic patients to think themselves well.’

Eva began to laugh. ‘So, you win both ways?’

Nurse Spears said, ‘There’s a touch of paranoia in that question.’

Eva asked, ‘Are you trained in mental health diagnostics?’

‘Trained, no, but it is a special interest of mine. There was mental ill health in my own family, it’s nothing to be ashamed of, Mrs Beaver.’

Eva felt a chill, a physical sensation of fear. ‘Of course, you’re implying that I have a mental illness?’

Nurse Spears said, ‘I will go back to the surgery and inform your doctors that, in my opinion, you are having a breakdown of some kind. Again, Mrs Beaver, you need not be frightened. Some of our most notable men and women have suffered, like you. Think of Churchill, Alastair Campbell, Les Dennis.’

Eva insisted, ‘But I’m not mentally ill!’

We have moved on since poor Mr Churchill suffered from his “black dog”. We have some miraculous drugs now, and within a few weeks you will be feeling your old self again. You will be able to get out of bed and re-join the rest of us.’

‘I don’t want to join the rest of you.’

Nurse Spears put on her navy-blue mac and carefully threaded the belt through the brown leather buckle. ‘I’ll call again, of course. Goodbye, Mrs Beaver.’

When she heard her mother’s voice in the hall five minutes later, and then the sound of the front door slamming, Eva shouted, ‘Mum!’

It took longer than usual for Ruby to climb the stairs, and she was breathless when she arrived at the side of Eva’s bed.

Eva did not want to upset her mother, but she needed to talk frankly with her. She asked, ‘So, you had a good talk with the nurse?’

‘Yes,’ said Ruby. ‘She was telling me about Dr Bridges. He’s been off work for three days. He did some bad damage to his nose with a pair of animated nose clippers.’

Eva corrected irritably, ‘Automatic. And she shouldn’t be gossiping about the doctors.’

‘She doesn’t like that dark doctor, Lumbago, she says he’s lazy. Well, they are, aren’t they?’

Eva said, ‘No, they are not.’

‘I wouldn’t have her job for the world. The things she has to do. She told me about some of her worst cases. It’s disgusting what that poor woman has to work with.’

‘You told her about Brian and Titania. You said they were living in a garden extension.’

Well, I could hardly call it a shed, could I?’

‘And I wish you hadn’t told her about the White Pathway.’

Ruby said, ‘But everybody knows about the White Pathway.’

‘Everybody?’

‘Well, everybody I know. And I’ll tell you the truth, Eva. Everybody thinks it’s barmy. And I’ll tell you another thing, Nurse Spears thinks it’s barmy, an’ all.’

‘And you, Mum? What do you think? Do you think it’s barmy?’

Ruby shook her head sadly and said, ‘I feel like I’ve never known you, and now I never will. None of us know you, any more. We all want the old Eva back.’

‘I didn’t like the old Eva. She was a miserable coward.’

‘All you need is a change of scenery. You’ve had a lovely four months’ rest. Why don’t you get up, have a shower, wash your hair with some of your lovely vegetable stuff -’

‘Herb,’ said Eva.

‘- put some warm clothes on and we could go to the shops. And there’s snowdrops in the park. I could borrow Stanley’s wheelchair. You weigh nowt, I could easily push you. I want to look after you, Eva.’

‘You don’t understand, do you, Mum? Think of me as a giant grub. I’m here, in this room, pupating.’

Ruby began to feel uneasy. ‘You’re talking daft, stop it!’