Mary Poppins

'Robinson Crusoe — pooh!' said Mary Poppins rudely.

'Then how could you have been there? It couldn't have been our Fairyland!'

Mary Poppins gave a superior sniff.

'Don't you know,' she said pityingly, 'that everybody's got a Fairyland of their own?'

And with another sniff she went upstairs to take off her white gloves and put the umbrella away.

CHAPTER 3 LAUGHING GAS

ARE YOU QUITE sure he will be at home?' said Jane, as they got off the Bus, she and Michael and Mary Poppins.

'Would my Uncle ask me to bring you to tea if he intended to go out, I'd like to know?' said Mary Poppins, who was evidently very offended by the question. She was wearing her blue coat with the silver buttons and the blue hat to match, and on the days when she wore these it was the easiest thing in the world to offend her.

All three of them were on the way to pay a visit to Mary Poppins's uncle, Mr. Wigg, and Jane and Michael had looked forward to the trip for so long that they were more than half afraid that Mr. Wigg might not be in, after all.

'Why is he called Mr. Wigg — does he wear one?' asked Michael, hurrying along beside Mary Poppins.

'He is called Mr. Wigg because Mr. Wigg is his name. And he doesn't wear one. He is bald,' said Mary Poppins. 'And if I have any more questions we will just go Back Home.' And she sniffed her usual sniff of displeasure.

Jane and Michael looked at each other and frowned. And the frown meant: 'Don't let's ask her anything else or we'll never get there.'

Mary Poppins put her hat straight at the Tobacconist's Shop at the corner. It had one of those curious windows where there seem to be three of you instead of one, so that if you look long enough at them you begin to feel you are not yourself but a whole crowd of somebody else. Mary Poppins sighed with pleasure, however, when she saw three of herself, each wearing a blue coat with silver buttons and a blue hat to match. She thought it was such a lovely sight that she wished there had been a dozen of her or even thirty. The more Mary Poppins the better.

'Come along,' she said sternly, as though they had kept her waiting. Then they turned the corner and pulled the bell of Number Three, Robertson Road. Jane and Michael could hear it faintly echoing from a long way away and they knew that in one minute, or two at the most, they would be having tea with Mary Poppins's uncle, Mr. Wigg, for the first time ever.

'If he's in, of course,' Jane said to Michael in a whisper.

At that moment the door flew open and a thin, watery-looking lady appeared.

'Is he in?' said Michael quickly.

'I'll thank you,' said Mary Poppins, giving him a terrible glance, 'to let me do the talking.'

'How do you do, Mrs. Wigg,' said Jane politely.

'Mrs. Wigg!' said the thin lady, in a voice even thinner than herself. 'How dare you call me Mrs. Wigg! No, thank you! I'm plain Miss Persimmon and proud of it. Mrs. Wigg indeed!' She seemed to be quite upset, and they thought Mr. Wigg must be a very odd person if Miss Persimmon was so glad not to be Mrs. Wigg.

'Straight up and first door on the landing,' said Miss Persimmon, and she went hurrying away down the passage saying: 'Mrs. Wigg indeed!' to herself in a high, thin, outraged voice.

Jane and Michael followed Mary Poppins upstairs. Mary Poppins knocked at the door.

'Come in! Come in! And welcome!' called a loud, cheery voice from inside. Jane's heart was pitter-pattering with excitement.

'He is in!' she signalled to Michael with a look.

Mary Poppins opened the door and pushed them in front of her. A large cheerful room lay before them. At one end of it a fire was burning brightly and in the centre stood an enormous table laid for tea — four cups and saucers, piles of bread and butter, crumpets, coconut cakes and a large plum cake with pink icing.

'Well, this is indeed a Pleasure,' a huge voice greeted them, and Jane and Michael looked round for its owner. He was nowhere to be seen. The room appeared to be quite empty. Then they heard Mary Poppins saying crossly:

'Oh, Uncle Albert — not again? It's not your birthday, is it?'

And as she spoke she looked up at the ceiling. Jane and Michael looked up too and to their surprise saw a round, fat, bald man who was hanging in the air without holding on to anything. Indeed, he appeared to be sitting on the air, for his legs were crossed and he had just put down the newspaper which he had been reading when they came in.

'My dear,' said Mr. Wigg, smiling down at the children, and looking apologetically at Mary Poppins, 'I'm very sorry, but I'm afraid it is my birthday.'

'Tch, tch, tch!' said Mary Poppins.

'I only remembered last night and there was no time then to send you a postcard asking you to come another day. Very distressing, isn't it?' he said, looking down at Jane and Michael.

'I can see you're rather surprised,' said Mr. Wigg. And, indeed, their mouths were so wide open with astonishment that Mr. Wigg, if he had been a little smaller, might almost have fallen into one of them.

'I'd better explain, I think,' Mr. Wigg went on calmly. 'You see, it's this way. I'm a cheerful sort of man and very disposed to laughter. You wouldn't believe, either of you, the number of things that strike me as being funny. I can laugh at pretty nearly everything, I can.'

And with that Mr. Wigg began to bob up and down, shaking with laughter at the thought of his own cheerfulness.

'Uncle Albert!' said Mary Poppins, and Mr. Wigg stopped laughing with a jerk.

'Oh, beg pardon, my dear. Where was I? Oh, yes. Well, the funny thing about me is — all right, Mary, I won't laugh if I can help it! — that whenever my birthday falls on a Friday, well, it's all up with me. Absolutely U.P.,' said Mr. Wigg.

'But why—?' began Jane.

'But how—?' began Michael.

'Well, you see, if I laugh on that particular day I become so filled with Laughing Gas that I simply can't keep on the ground. Even if I smile it happens. The first funny thought, and I'm up like a balloon. And until I can think of something serious I can't get down again.' Mr. Wigg began to chuckle at that, but he caught sight of Mary Poppins's face and stopped the chuckle, and continued:

'It's awkward, of course, but not unpleasant. Never happens to either of you, I suppose?'

Jane and Michael shook their heads.

'No, I thought not. It seems to be my own special habit. Once, after I'd been to the Circus the night before, I laughed so much that — would you believe it? — I was up here for a whole twelve hours, and couldn't get down till the last stroke of midnight. Then, of course, I came down with a flop because it was Saturday and not my birthday any more. It's rather odd, isn't it? Not to say funny?

'And now here it is Friday again and my birthday, and you two and Mary P. to visit me. Oh, Lordy, Lordy, don't make me laugh, I beg of you—' But although Jane and Michael had done nothing very amusing, except to stare at him in astonishment, Mr. Wigg began to laugh again loudly, and as he laughed he went bouncing and bobbing about in the air, with the newspaper rattling in his hand and his spectacles half on and half off his nose.

He looked so comic, floundering in the air like a great human bubble, clutching at the ceiling sometimes and sometimes at the gas-bracket as he passed it, that Jane and Michael, though they were trying hard to be polite, just couldn't help doing what they did. They laughed. And they laughed. They shut their