frustration would be too terrible.
“My dear,” he said, after a due interval for consideration, in which Lucrezia broke down and sobbed quietly and he paternally pulled her closer and put an arm around her. “My dear, you had a terrible experience and this man — he should be whipped — took advantage of your innocence in a most unscrupulous way. But, my dear, it often happens that young girls deceive themselves about the seriousness of what has happened. You say that he kissed you and then made advances. That is not too bad, after all.”
As he had hoped, his dimness brought a protest from her.
“Oh, but… Holy Father… he did more than that.”
“But he may not have done what I fear, my child. Tell me what he did. Don't be afraid or confused. We are in the presence of the Almighty Lord.”
Lucrezia hesitated, as if overcoming a great reluctance.
“I was wearing only a long shift, because it was so hot,” she said. “It was modest — it came down to my ankles. But after he had kissed me — it was in a tiny copse in the grounds out of sight of the house — he put his hands on my bottom… and — he — he pressed me against him so that I suddenly felt quite faint. And he put his tongue in my mouth and told me to do the same and he felt all over my body with his hands…”
She wiped away a tear. The Pope's hand had tightened around her. She had given him an erection. He couldn't wait to hear the rest of the story.
“Go on, my child. Forget nothing. I must know how far it went in order to pray.”
“Well, first of all it was over my shift. He felt me all over and everywhere he touched me, particularly when he put his hand between my legs, he made me feel faint. And then I felt so dizzy and helpless that I suggested we sit down. We sat down on the grass beside a tree and, before I really knew what he was doing, he took my shift right off and left me lying there without any clothes on at all. I was
… I was very frightened, but then… then he started feeling me all over again and I only remember the rest as if I were dreaming…”
“What do you remember, my dear? If you tell me you will be rid of it. You will have confessed.”
“He… he kissed me all over — my mouth, my neck, my shoulders, my… my breasts and everything. And then he put his finger inside me… in between my legs. It made me feel as if I were swooning. I remember thinking that it was wrong, but then it seemed so strong and necessary that I even believed him and thought it might be right after all.
“And then after he'd had his finger in me for some time I began to get terribly excited — even though it was rather painful. I think he put more fingers in me then, because I… I felt more pain and I asked him to stop… but… he wouldn't and I hadn't the strength to push him away. He went on like that for some time until it wasn't painful any more… and sometimes he stopped and just kissed me and felt my breasts. And when he did that I wanted him to put his fingers back inside me again because I felt empty and naked as if I needed something…
“And then he seemed to leave me for a minute and I just lay there because I was too giddy and too frightened to move. But then he lay down beside me again and pushed me back and I could feel that he was naked, too.
“Then I became very frightened. Because I knew he was going to do something terrible. But… but one part of me kept telling me that it wasn't wrong and that I wanted it and that he was right and it would be all right…
“He put his fingers back inside me and he told me to open my thighs wide. I must have done it although I don't remember deciding I would… because… because — oh Father, it's too terrible!”
The Pope, agog with ill-concealed excitement, had one hand on his erect penis under the sheets. He was inflamed by the story she was telling him about herself in her soft voice, with her head bowing against his shoulder in shame and agony.
“Go on, child,” he said, with a great attempt at majestic calm. “You are bound to finish it now.”
After a few sobs, Lucrezia continued, as if reluctantly.
“The next thing… he was… he was lying on top of me and he had my thighs wide open and he… he was pushing himself at me.. pushing his… his… you know, Father, against mine until suddenly… oh… suddenly it was in and he was — he was making love to me completely… and he went on and on and he got terribly excited and so did I… I was almost fainting… and there was a little pain… and… and he began to gasp and groan and then… and then he made a great noise… and… and it was all over… it was finished.”
“My poor child, my poor child,” (oh to have been that young man! the Pope thought) “what a terrible time.”
“Of course, afterwards,” Lucrezia added, through her tears, “I was terribly sorry and ashamed at what had happened — and terribly embarrassed. But… but he laughed at me and tried to — what he called — reason with me. But I knew I'd done wrong.”
The Pope was silent for a while, letting her cry against his shoulder. He appeared to be deliberating. In fact, he was trying to live through what had just been described, trying to imagine every part of her body — the secret, intimate places, trying to imagine that enormous emotional chill that was felt at the moment of entry. Oh, he had been ill and unable for so long. He felt overcome with self-pity and defiance. His penis was hot in his hand, and aching with repressed longing.
“What you did, my child, was wrong in those circumstances,” he said at last. “But you have little to reproach yourself for. We all sin — it is inescapable and some sins are greater than others. But you are only a young girl — even though you may have the appearance of a woman — and you were led astray by an older man who, obviously, well knew how to prey upon what, after all, are perfectly natural appetites. The fault is entirely his, my child. God will forgive you, have no fear. His mercy is boundless.”
Lucrezia took a deep breath behind her veil of mock tears.
“But, Holy Father, the main trouble has come after the event. I told you I was having difficulty about Good and Evil. Well… I find, now, that I'm beset with overwhelming desires to repeat what happened. I do my best to overcome them, but I'm likely to give way at any moment.”
“I see — I see.”
Innocent's hand moved slightly on his prick. He felt very disturbed. This was better and better, but the thought that he couldn't take advantage of it was killing him.
“Have you seen the young man since?”
“No, your Excellency. I do all in my power to keep away from him. But I feel the desire with any man — oh I know it's terrible. You must think I'm unbelievably wicked.”
“Not at all, my child, not at all,” Innocent reassured her. That hand in mine is so near, he was thinking. I could just take it and put it on my prick under the sheets. It would take about two seconds in time and mean moving it a distance of thirty centimeters.
“You have had an experience,” he said, “which was bound to shake you to your roots. It has opened up a whole new channel of experience…” He grinned to himself at his words. “And, naturally given you a desire for sensations and emotional experiences that you hardly realized existed. We all have these desires, my dear. Don't think you are alone.”
“But what must I do?” Lucrezia pleaded.
She could see his erection through the sheets and the coverlets. So papa had been right. He would want to. So far, very good. But now she had to take what chances came to her. She rested her head against his shoulder so that her lightly perfumed hair was brushing against his face. Leaning forward toward him, she was able to expose much more of her bosom — showing him more than a third of their rounded fullness.
“It is probable,” the Pope said slowly, “that you've built up a myth around this one occasion when you made love. And because it seems so unholy and wicked to you, you therefore, in your deprivation, desire it the more — a very natural reaction.
“In very few cases would I suggest this course of cure. But you know, to overcome a greater, even God will allow a lesser evil. So it may be that if you permitted yourself intercourse just once again — and without any feeling of wrongdoing to add to the excitement — you would get the whole necessity out of your system. At least, you would rid yourself of its full power as you now feel it and would pave the way to a beginning at controlling it. This may seem a very strange recommendation, but reflect, my lamb, that the ways of God are often strange beyond belief — but always with the end in mind. If, by this means, you can help to overcome the acuteness of your desires and thus, eventually, overcome them completely, you will have taken the right and only course. If you go on as you are you will either go mad or give way again and again until you are no better than the lowest whore.”
