All aboard for the guilt trip, Helen thought. “Mom, I can’t go back to Rob, not after what he did.”
“You didn’t try,” her mother said.
“I did,” Helen said. “But every time I looked at Rob, I saw her.”
It was worse than that. Every time Helen looked at Rob, she saw him naked with their neighbor, Sandy.
Helen had come home early from work and found them on the deck. At first, Helen couldn’t make sense of the tangle of Rob’s hairy legs and Sandy’s waxed ones. Then she understood all too clearly. That’s when Helen picked up the crowbar and—“You should have offered it up.”
Helen had a vision of Rob and Sandy humping away, while she knelt by the teak chaise longue and prayed.
“Offered what up?” she said.
“Your suffering. The saints did it. I did it for forty years with your father.”
“Did you offer it up when Dad died at the Starlite Motel with the head of the St. Philomena Altar Society?”
There. She’d said the words that had been buried for a decade. She expected Dolores to burst into tears. But her mother said with simple dignity, “Yes, I did. It was my duty as his wife and your mother.”
“Well, I’m no saint,” Helen said. “And I’ve got the police report to prove it.”
Helen had brought the crowbar down on the chaise with a loud
Sandy, naked as a newborn but not nearly as innocent, scuttled toward her cell phone and called 911.
Helen started swinging. The Land Cruiser’s windshield cracked into glass diamonds. The side mirrors disintegrated.
She trashed the taillights and smashed the doors, while Rob cowered on the floor and begged for his life.
“You tried to kill your own husband,” her mother said.
“I wasn’t going to kill the SOB. I wanted to wreck his SUV. That was his true love. And I bought it for him.”
She’d told the cops the same thing when they pried the crowbar from her hands and pulled a buck-naked Rob from the wreckage. She could see the cops fighting back snickers.
Rob and Sandy didn’t press attempted-assault charges.
Sandy was afraid her husband would find out what she’d been doing when Helen started swinging that crowbar. He did anyway.
“I know you were upset, dear,” Dolores said. “But now you’ve had time to cool off. Rob just made a mistake.”
“Not a mistake, Mom. A bunch of mistakes. He hopped into bed with women I knew at the tennis club, the health club and our church. He’s an incurable adulterer.”
“You must hate the sin, but not the sinner,” her mother said. “You promised to love, honor and obey Rob forever.”
“And what did he promise?” Helen said. “After he lost his job, I supported him for five years while he did nothing.”
“He looked for work, dear. He talked to me about it.”
“He talked to everyone. He just didn’t do anything.”
But Rob had worked hard during the divorce, spreading his lies. His lawyer portrayed Rob as a loving househusband married to an angry, erratic woman. When he showed the photos of the smashed SUV, the judge winced.
Rob got his old girlfriends to testify to the work he did around the house. No one mentioned that Helen paid a contractor to finish his botched handyman jobs.
Helen wanted her lawyer to ask these women if they’d had a sexual relationship with her husband. But her attorney was too much of a gentleman.
Helen prepared herself to lose the house she’d paid for.
But she didn’t expect the judge’s final pronouncement. She could still see him: hairless, smug and wizened, like E.T. in a black robe.
“This woman is a successful director of pensions and benefits, making six figures a year,” his honor said. “She earns that money because of her husband’s stabilizing influence, because of his love and support. He made her career possible at the expense of his own livelihood. Therefore, we award this man half of his wife’s future income.”
A red rocket of rage shot through Helen. She must have stood up, because she could feel her lawyer trying to pull her back down into her seat.
Helen grabbed a familiar-looking black book with gold lettering. She put her hand on it and said, “I swear on this Bible that my husband, Rob, will not get another nickel of my salary.”
Later, the black book turned out to be a copy of the Missouri Revised Statutes, but Helen still considered the oath binding. She also believed the judge had been dropped on his head at birth.
Helen slipped out of St. Louis, packing her clothes and her teddy bear, Chocolate, into her car. She left everything else behind. She didn’t tell anyone goodbye, except her sister, Kathy. Kathy was a traditional wife and mother, but she understood Helen’s anger.
“I wouldn’t have bashed in his SUV, Sis,” Kathy had told her. “That poor Land Cruiser didn’t do anything. I’d have taken that crowbar to Rob’s thick skull.”
Kathy was the only person on earth who knew how to find Helen. She had zigzagged across the country for months, trying to evade any pursuers. She didn’t know how far the court would go to track down a deadbeat wife, but she knew that Rob would go to the end of the earth to avoid work. He wanted her money.
Sometime during her flight, Helen traded her silver Lexus for a hunk of junk. It finally died in Fort Lauderdale, and that’s where she stayed. Now she worked for cash only, to keep out of the computers. Her dead-end jobs brought her a kind of freedom: no memos, no meetings, no pantyhose. She would never go back to corporate America. If Rob did find her, he’d get half of nearly nothing. Her old life and her old ambitions had vanished in easygoing South Florida.
“Helen, are you listening to me?” her mother said. “I can help you. I can make your problem go away.”
“I won’t go back to Rob, mother.”
“You won’t have to, Helen dear, if you’re really deter-mined. Lawrence and I have been talking it over. He has some friends in the archdiocese and I have some money. We want to start the proceedings for an annulment. It would be like your marriage never took place.”
“But it did,” Helen said. “For seventeen years.”
“Well, you’d still have a civil divorce. But if you got an annulment, in the eyes of the Church your marriage never happened.”
“But it did,” Helen said. “I have the pictures to prove it.
Mom, an annulment won’t erase my marriage. It renders it sacramentally invalid. It’s nothing but a divorce for rich people, and in my opinion, it’s for hypocrites.”
“Helen, I’m trying to save your immortal soul.” Her mother started crying. She was terrified her divorced daughter would go to hell.
“Mom, I was married. You can’t say I wasn’t. I slept with the guy all those years. You can’t save my soul with a lie.”
“You’re stubborn,” her mother said angrily. “You don’t want to be helped.”
Helen had to end this hopeless conversation. She brought out the pink cellophane from the gift basket and crackled it near the phone.
“Hello, Mom? We’re breaking up. I have to go now. I love you.”
Helen pressed the END button. The last thing she heard was Dolores’ heartbroken weeping.
Helen found she was clutching the phone and her cat. As she stroked Thumbs’s soft, thick fur, she wondered:
What if my mother had believed in me more and the Church less? What if she’d said, “Rob is a rat. Pack your bags and come home to your mother, where you belong”?
Then I would not have had that screaming scene in court.
