The Fruit of the Tree

when to call for my answer.”

Justine laid down the letter and looked up. Her eyes rested on her own reflection in the glass, and it frightened her. She sat motionless, with a thickly-beating heart, one hand clenched on the letter.

“I suppose you would rather have me remind you than apply to Mr. Amherst.”

That was what his importunity meant, then! She had been paying blackmail all this time…. Somewhere, from the first, in an obscure fold of consciousness, she had felt the stir of an unnamed, unacknowledged fear; and now the fear raised its head and looked at her. Well! She would look back at it, then: look it straight in the malignant eye. What was it, after all, but a “bugbear to scare children”—the ghost of the opinion of the many? She had suspected from the first that Wyant knew of her having shortened the term of Bessy Amherst’s sufferings— returning to the room when he did, it was almost impossible that he should not have guessed what had happened; and his silence had made her believe that he understood her motive and approved it. But, supposing she had been mistaken, she still had nothing to fear, since she had done nothing that her own conscience condemned. If the act were to do again she would do it—she had never known a moment’s regret!

Suddenly she heard Amherst’s step in the passage—heard him laughing and talking as he chased Cicely up the stairs to the nursery.

If she was not afraid, why had she never told Amherst?

Why, the answer to that was simple enough! She had not told him because she was not afraid. From the first she had retained sufficient detachment to view her act impartially, to find it completely justified by circumstances, and to decide that, since those circumstances could be but partly and indirectly known to her husband, she not only had the right to keep her own counsel, but was actually under a kind of obligation not to force on him the knowledge of a fact that he could not alter and could not completely judge…. Was there any flaw in this line of reasoning? Did it not show a deliberate weighing of conditions, a perfect rectitude of intention? And, after all, she had had Amherst’s virtual consent to her act! She knew his feelings on such matters—his independence of traditional judgments, his horror of inflicting needless pain—she was as sure of his intellectual assent as of her own. She was even sure that, when she told him, he would appreciate her reasons for not telling him before….

For now of course he must know everything—this horrible letter made it inevitable. She regretted that she had decided, though for the best of reasons, not to speak to him of her own accord; for it was intolerable that he should think of any external pressure as having brought her to avowal. But no! he would not think that. The understanding between them was so complete that no deceptive array of circumstances could ever make her motives obscure to him. She let herself rest a moment in the thought….

Presently she heard him moving in the next room—he had come back to dress for dinner. She would go to him now, at once—she could not bear this weight on her mind the whole evening. She pushed back her chair, crumpling the letter in her hand; but as she did so, her eyes again fell on her reflection. She could not go to her husband with such a face! If she was not afraid, why did she look like that?

Well—she was afraid! It would be easier and simpler to admit it. She was afraid—afraid for the first time— afraid for her own happiness! She had had just eight months of happiness—it was horrible to think of losing it so soon…. Losing it? But why should she lose it? The letter must have affected her brain…all her thoughts were in a blur of fear…. Fear of what? Of the man who understood her as no one else understood her? The man to whose wisdom and mercy she trusted as the believer trusts in God? This was a kind of abominable nightmare—even Amherst’s image had been distorted in her mind! The only way to clear her brain, to recover the normal sense of things, was to go to him now, at once, to feel his arms about her, to let his kiss dispel her fears…. She rose with a long breath of relief.

She had to cross the length of the room to reach his door, and when she had gone half-way she heard him knock.

“May I come in?”

She was close to the fireplace, and a bright fire burned on the hearth.

“Come in!” she answered; and as she did so, she turned and dropped Wyant’s letter into the fire. Her hand had crushed it into a little ball, and she saw the flames spring up and swallow it before her husband entered.

It was not that she had changed her mind—she still meant to tell him everything. But to hold the letter was like holding a venomous snake—she wanted to exterminate it, to forget that she had ever seen the blotted repulsive characters. And she could not bear to have Amherst’s eyes rest on it, to have him know that any man had dared to write to her in that tone. What vile meanings might not be read between Wyant’s phrases? She had a right to tell the story in her own way—the true way….

As Amherst approached, in his evening clothes, the heavy locks smoothed from his forehead, a flower of Cicely’s giving in his button-hole, she thought she had never seen him look so kind and handsome.

“Not dressed? Do you know that it’s ten minutes to eight?” he said, coming up to her with a smile.

She roused herself, putting her hands to her hair. “Yes, I know—I forgot,” she murmured, longing to feel his arms about her, but standing rooted to the ground, unable to move an inch nearer.

It was he who came close, drawing her lifted hands into his. “You look worried—I hope it was nothing troublesome that made you forget?”

The divine kindness in his voice, his eyes! Yes—it would be easy, quite easy, to tell him….

“No—yes—I was a little troubled….” she said, feeling the warmth of his touch flow through her hands reassuringly.

“Dear! What about?”

She drew a deep breath. “The letter–-“

He looked puzzled. “What letter?”

“Downstairs…when we came in…it was not an ordinary begging-letter.”

“No? What then?” he asked, his face clouding.

She noticed the change, and it frightened her. Was he angry? Was he going to be angry? But how absurd! He was only distressed at her distress.

“What then?” he repeated, more gently.