to one another as we would listen to their music too — that’s very, very important. And we must have the courage to fight against anything that would compromise our own beauty or in any way do it harm. All the truly great composers are preparing us for living correctly, and giving us encouragement to go on with our lives as best we can, even if we’ve made the most unforgivable errors — like me and Midnight and your father.”
I wiped away tears, explaining, “It’s just that with Midnight here … and what you just said …”
“Yes, we’ve had a hard time of it, all of us. But we’ve been very lucky too. You know, it occurs to me more and more that despite all the death we’ve known, we’ve had a chance to meet the most wonderful people — and to be with one another, of course. And now, with Midnight back, it is as though we can finally close an old rusted door behind us and step ahead together into the future, whatever it brings us. That was your doing, John. Thank you. I’m enormously proud of what you’ve accomplished.”
“Do you think sometimes about what happened between you and Midnight?”
“Oh, yes, of course. I was such a fool to go about things the way I did. I didn’t understand myself, let alone your father or him. And I know your father didn’t understand himself either — I see that now. Not, at least, till it was too late. John, would you like to know what troubles me the most about my life?”
“Of course.”
“We learn so many things as we age. And yet all that knowledge … all of it just disappears when we die. That seems to me a terrible waste.”
“Unless you pass it on.”
“Yes, unless we do that, but it’s not so easy. Perhaps it isn’t even possible. All of the most important lessons we probably have to learn ourselves.”
“But if what you say about the greatest composers is true, then your music lessons may make all the difference in your students’ lives.”
“I like to think so, John. At least, that’s why I keep giving them.”
“Have you spoken to Midnight yet about what took place between you and Father, and … and what Papa did to him?”
“Yes, we’ve already had a few chances to speak seriously. Midnight has grown older as well, and I think we both see the mistakes we made. But we cannot return to the past to change the way things happened, so we must just keep walking. That’s what he told me, and I think he is right.” Mama asked me to hand her a Mozart score. “And as for me, John, I shall also keep on playing and listening, and teaching as best I can.”
LX
It is only three days since his arrival, and it’s just about impossible to believe he is here. He lies on a straw mattress in my small room. He sleeps peacefully. And just like yesterday, he’ll wake this morning wanting to see every last inch of New York. I sit by him sometimes, my hands on his sleeping chest. Last night I stared at him through the pearly darkness of the light of the moon that long ago told our people we were eternal beings. I believed it was true while watching him.
I can’t keep up with him as he races through the city. I don’t know how he goes so fast with his crippled heel-strings. He turns around to me and laughs as we walk. I moan and wave him ahead.
We never guess how strange life is before we suffer some real sadness and confusion. I was an orphan, and then I was adopted by John, and now I have my papa back. It almost makes me believe that all things are possible. Papa says this is the most powerful belief of all.
I put the
I let him just go his own way. Because I know what robbery is, and I never robbed anything from him.
These days he’s barely polite to me at our school. But that’s all I want from him now. I’ve got the children in my classroom to educate, and I’ve got John and his family, and I’ve got Papa, and that’s enough for me.
I guess I’m not willing to push and pull on myself till I’m all in a knot just to stay with a man. Even a good one. I need a whole lot of hours for myself, anyway. What happened between us is maybe not even his fault. Or mine. But I didn’t escape from River Bend and see Weaver die in his own blood so I could start taking orders again.
After I stopped seeing William, I started liking being on my own — liking it more than ever. I suppose I’m one peculiar young lady.
Geography, too, is important. I have to remember to tell that to the children. If we were living just two hundred and fifty miles south of here, we would all be slaves. I guess one of our goals ought to be to make maps and borders less important — for everyone everywhere.
There is so much I don’t understand. But I’m only seventeen years old. Papa says many things still ought to be mysterious to me because they’re mysterious to everyone. John told me that it is a Jewish tradition for some dangerous secret teachings only to be taught to people over forty.
What I want to understand most is how all this was waiting for me in New York and I didn’t know it. We cannot predict the future, that’s true enough, but I didn’t have even the tiniest notion of the life I’d have one day.
Because of that I’ve come to believe we all have thousands of possibilities stored inside us, each one like a caterpillar inside a giant cocoon. Lots of folks don’t want to admit it, but the life that comes out of us is shaped more than just a little by circumstance. Not that I wouldn’t have the same wings, spots, and colors even if I was still living at River Bend. I think I’d probably be pretty much the same as I am now. But I’d be mighty diminished. For one thing, I wouldn’t be teaching, wouldn’t be giving back to the world, which now seems to me the most important thing.
I think that that is the saddest thing about slavery: We aren’t allowed to give of ourselves to the world. I read that in the book John gave me about the hidden meaning of slavery. It was written by the Jewish conjurer in Portugal, Benjamin. And I think he’s right.
I’m grateful to have that chance now. I am grateful to Mamma, Papa, and so many others. To Lily too. And Crow, of course — my brave, beautiful Crow. And Weaver, who died for me to be here. And John.
In the oddest way, I am even grateful to Master Edward, Mistress Holly, and even Big Master Henry — to all the white folk at River Bend, for they helped to make me who I am.
I will go slow, like Papa is always saying. I will take every last thing I can and then give all I have back to my children — the wee one growing inside my belly too.
LXI
Midnight … I lie awake at night, alone in my bed, and know that I have done one very, very good thing in my life. Perhaps that is enough for a man.
No, I am no hunter in the way it’s usually meant. But we found each other. Violeta told my girls to tell me that we did so by the light of the Archer, and I think she’s right.
There is still so much I don’t understand about her. I hope that our life apart can work out as we would both wish it. When I wrote her a note about Midnight having found us, I told her a bit of what he’d said about slavery.
