Secret Shared

For seventeen, she was mature beyond her years, which wasn’t necessarily a good thing, I decided. Sure I was sexually stunted (well into my thirties), but Claire and her new friends from school were unsettlingly accelerated. They scared me a little when they came into the Cafe with their smoking and piercings, their seductive “selfies” and their casual “sexting.”

A week ago I had asked Claire how she could be a vegan and smoke.

“For the same reason you can be nosy and nice,” she teased.

I felt around on the shelf above the sink, found the bottle of pink disinfectant soap lying on its side and squirted some on her hands.

“Has Will been by?”

“Haven’t seen him,” she said, drying her hands on her legs and immediately checking her vibrating phone.

Will let her carry it around in her waitress pouch. His reasoning was that she didn’t talk on it, only checked texts, so it wasn’t as rude. I told him if she worked upstairs that wouldn’t be allowed.

“Nor the piercings,” I said to him.

“Fine, you’ll be the boss. You’ll make the rules,” he had said.

Still, Claire was a hard worker, so I didn’t complain. And she was a natural in the kitchen.

“I got a head-start on salad prep,” she said. “Kale’s done. I’ll tackle the carrots next.”

“Thanks. I can probably handle the floor on my own tonight,” I said.

“Oh good. I want to go see the baby.”

I almost blurted out everything that had happened at the hospital between her uncle and her almost-aunt, but this was officially now a family issue, something she’d have to navigate with Will.

While helping Claire prep and blanche the carrots, I thought about Dauphine and Mark, probably passed out somewhere, arms and legs entwined. I envied their seeming certainty, Dauphine’s decisiveness to just grab this man and go with it. But sometimes people just know; it’s in their nature. When that option was available to me, to test the waters with Jesse outside of S.E.C.R.E.T., I was only on my third Step. I was certain of a connection with him, but I hadn’t yet made one with myself.

Had I now? How well did I know myself: my body, my mind and my heart? Maybe the better questions were, where did these three things overlap and where did they remain separate? S.E.C.R.E.T. dealt in pleasures of the body, an area of my life I’d always ignored. I had lived so far in my head I had also let my heart atrophy. Mark and I had definitely made a physical connection. Jesse and I had too. Plus, he was making quiet inroads into my heart. But Will had long ago conquered all three. I loved his body, his mind and his heart, never more so than today, when his absence not only preoccupied me but pained me physically, as I imagined him somewhere sad and alone.

So even before I was sure about Will’s feelings for me, I took my cell phone out back into the alley while Claire manned the floor, the last favor I’d ask before sending her home.

Jesse picked up on the first ring.

“Hey, babe, you still at the hospital?”

“No, I’m at work. You?”

He told me he was about to go into a meeting with clients who wanted a five-tiered wedding cake.

“You must be exhausted,” he said. “So I take it plans tonight are out too.”

“Yeah … I have to stay here, Jesse.”

The silence that followed had mass; I could feel it actually weighing down the phone. Maybe it was the way I had said his name, like it was punctuation, with a hint of gentle finality.

“Okay … I’m getting the feeling that tomorrow’s not going to be good for you either.”

Inhale.

“Jesse, I think … no, I know … I’m in love with someone else.”

More silence, this time lighter, now that I’d injected it with a bit of truth.

“I see. Huh. Who’s the lucky guy?” he asked, a hint of sourness in his tone.

I told him it was Will, my boss and my friend of many years. I didn’t go into the details; Jesse didn’t need to hear about our eight-year mostly platonic odyssey, the pining, the fears, the insecurities, the jealousies, the betrayals, all the drama that had conspired to keep us apart.

“Does he love you back?”

“I don’t know, Jesse, but I need to find out. And I don’t want to string you along or use you as some kind of net in case he does reject me. And he might. But I need to be all in on this one. After what he’s been through, I want to be able to be honest if he asks me about you. And you deserve that too. You’re a good man, Jesse. So so good.”

“Wow. You sound so … I hate to say you sound really fucking sexy, because I’m getting my heart ripped out, but I really wish I were the other guy right now.”

What more was there to say? Tender well-wishes followed on both our parts. They felt genuine and necessary.

“I don’t like the phrase ‘I hope we can still be friends,’ Jesse. It sounds so lame. But I really do hope we can be … something to each other.”

“Cassie, don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m not great at being friends with women I want to sleep with.”

The silence widened; there was little left to say.

“I understand.”

We said gentle goodbyes and hung up. I kissed the screen on my phone. I’d been blessed by such good men in S.E.C.R.E.T., men who, beyond awakening me sexually, also helped me forget the not-so-good ones I’d experienced before. And then there was Will. I hoped I was letting go of something good in hopes of getting something great, but for all I knew Will was done with me.

Still, it was unusual for him to disappear like this. I looked at my watch, then up and down the quiet alley, worry setting in. The news of the baby was a devastating blow, but what if he really had been in love with Tracina? What if he was feeling this only now, now that he not only couldn’t have her but was learning she had never really been his?

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a curtain flutter out from one of the open upstairs windows of the Cafe. Will was still waiting for the custom screens. And that’s when I knew. I burst in through the door, back through the kitchen and into the dining area, where two customers had grabbed a window table next to where Claire was bent over her phone, flanked by two new friends from school who were also looking at something on her screen.

“Claire!” They leapt like I’d interrupted delicate surgery. “Can you stick around for a little while longer? And please get those people some menus. I’ll pay you double overtime. I have to check something upstairs. I won’t be long.”

I didn’t even wait for her to answer. I would have been a crappy, bossy mother, I decided, as I quietly took the stairs. The knob for the new oak door was on back order, so I had to gently nudge it open with my shoulder. The door would eventually separate the old Cafe from the new space, once the stairs leading directly outside were complete, but right now Will kept it shut to keep the construction dust from wafting into Cafe Rose.

The space was dim for the middle of the afternoon. Then I noticed all the curtains were drawn. Newspaper trails still lined the floor to catch spatter from the ceiling paint. But the tables had finally been delivered, a cluster of twelve of them, with marble tops and wooden legs. I let a hand caress a cool, smooth surface. And then I saw them, Will’s bare feet on the floor peeking out from behind the cocktail bar, a mickey of whiskey, one quarter empty, on top. Will wasn’t much of a drinker, and he never drank during the day, so this was probably his idea of “making quite a dent in the bottle.”

“Is that you, Officer?” he asked, his voice groggy.

“Why? Are the police after you?” I went along with him, slowly rounding the bar until I stood at his feet.

He was in his jeans, no shirt, using the duvet as a pillow, the mattress bent like a loose taco to fit the narrow space, his face wrinkled from sleeping, probably unsoundly.

“They will be after me when they find my truck out on North Peters,” he said, clasping his hands behind his head, stretching awake.

I couldn’t read his tone. I couldn’t tell if he was still sad or mad or well past both and into an emotional zone even he’d never visited before.