There’s a nervous twisting of nervous fingers.
The way I felt when I first kissed Evaline was amazing. I had tried and failed before.
Like most people I base my actions off of assumptions.
Like most people: The assumptions I have are generally wrong.
I almost gave up after the first try.
Luckily I’m stupid.
Luckily my brain and my body don’t get along.
We were hanging out. We were sober. We were watching movies. It was like so many times before.
The moon had come and gone.
We were tired.
My arm had brushed against hers earlier in the night. It made my spine shake.
Her hand had brushed my leg. It made me lose my breath.
Hour by hour we moved inch by inch.
By morning my arm was around her.
Our eyes were half open.
Our cheeks brushed.
We kissed.
It was teeth and skin and sweat until our bodies were pressed together so hard that it became difficult to breath.
We kissed until our lips became raw and our flesh was soaked.
When I left it was almost noon.
I was late for work.
Now when I’m kissing Evaline I don’t know what to feel, because I know deep down that I’m only kissing an illusion.
Evaline has been back for a few days now. Things feel like they used to. Except for the fact that I’m without a job. Except for the fact that I don’t have any friends.
My parents tell me to see a doctor. They’re concerned about the way I’m acting. They’re concerned about the way that I can see Evaline when she’s not really there.
I tell them about the drugs I have taken.
They look at me in shock.
They don’t know how to comprehend who I am.
There’s nothing I can say to them.
I make an appointment.
On the way to the doctors. I’m with Evaline. On the bus.
A man gets on. He asks if he can sit in the seat next to me. I tell him no. He looks at me with confused eyes.
He wants Evaline’s spot.
He’s missing an arm. It’s cut off at the elbow. He’s got a scar on his cheek. A crooked smile. Rough whiskers on a rough face.
He looks tired and when he talks he sounds exhausted.
He sits down in the next row back.
I turn to him and apologize.
He smiles and says it’s ok.
He has a smoky smell and a smoky voice to go with his smoky eyes.
I don’t bother to get his name.
I’m holding hands with Evaline.
She’s looking vaguely disgusted. She hates the bus. The smells. The sounds. The way it makes her stomach rattle when it lurches forward.
And the one armed man watches my hand squeeze her hand. And our eyes meet. He laughs in a restrained sort of way.
I ask him what happened to his arm.
He tells me that not many people ask him that question.
He tells me that he was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I ask if it hurts.
He tells me that phantom pains never go away.
I squeeze Evaline’s hand again.
I look over to her.
She’s wearing a different outfit. A different hairstyle. A different smile.
Time doesn’t make any sense.
I go to a doctor.
He takes a picture of my brain.
There’s something wrong with it.
He says it’s not going to get better.
He tells me it’s going to get worse.
Today feels like yesterday.
I get up.
Kiss Evaline.
Make Breakfast.
She wants me to start looking for work. She tells me to check the classifieds.
I start looking through the ads. I concentrate.
My head is throbbing. My jaw is clenched.
There’s an incredible weight on the left side of my head. My eyes are watering. I’m squinting.
I look around.
Evaline’s out of focus.
I can feel the beat of my heart, it causes a pounding in my skull. I go through the medicine cabinet but can’t find any medicine. I ask Evaline what I should do.
She moves her mouth. Her words don’t sync up with the moment.
‘I don’t care about your portfolios.’
I look at her with a confused look.
She looks at me. She looks at me as if nothing is wrong.
The headache leaves me as quickly as it came.
‘What did you say?’
‘I didn’t say anything.’
‘No, you said something.’
‘I didn’t.’
‘I asked you what I should do, and you replied.’
‘You didn’t ask me anything.’
‘I was just looking for headache medicine and asked you what I should do.’
‘No, you were sitting there reading the classified ads.’
It’s at this point that I feel confused.
My palms go sweaty.
I let the subject drop. I don’t know what else to say.
We finish breakfast and we go for a walk.
The pavement and fresh air are nice.
