‘I think he’d lose his head if it weren’t attached to his body!’
And my mom laughs.
‘Sometimes I wonder if he’s lost his mind as it is!’
I laugh.
‘I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to bring his lunch to him at work. It’s like I’m there almost as much as he is! Sometimes I feel like I should just wait at his work with all his daily supplies. It might be easier for our relationship!’
There’s a lull and I feel my mind spinning around.
‘Like yesterday, he had forgotten a whole bunch of important documents for a presentation he had to give! I had to take them all to him in the middle of his conference.’
And then I remember back to that day. A room full of executives and me in a suit that cut off all my circulation. I felt like a complete jackass in that familiar conference room.
And I pause.
I breathe in.
I twist my nervous fingers in my nervous hands as my nervous body starts to connect the dots.
My adrenaline is flooding me. My heart is in my throat.
‘Holy shit! I know where you are!’
She’s at my old job. In my old office building. I should have realized it before. Where else would you find an abandoned building in this city? There aren’t any.
I feel dizzy.
It’s a slow and sickly walk. Bile creeps up my throat and nerves make my feet feel like dead weight.
I don’t know what I’m expecting, but I expect something.
I woke up from yesterday with a head that felt cracked wide open. Complete with spinning eyes and aching skin. I could hardly see straight because everything about my existence was throbbing.
And now as I walk to where I used to work, I start to wonder what it would mean if I did find her. Would things be the same as they always were? Would we fight about the same things we always fought about? Would we laugh at the same stupid inside jokes? Would we eat dinner together every Friday night? Would we still dance every Thursday?
I’ve never faced anything like this. For a moment I feel myself alternating between a feeling of exhilaration and absolute terror.
Will she understand how I feel about her? Will I understand how I feel about her?
Am I going into this with the expectation that things will be as they once were?
My hands are shaking.
The air is cool but not cold.
My skin looks pale and pinched like it’s trying to escape my body.
And I try to make myself feel centered.
I can’t.
I can’t and so my thoughts spin until my guts get dizzy.
What should I expect when I get there?
Am I going to be tied up and beaten like before?
Is she going to greet me or is Dylan going to attack me?
I don’t know what to expect. I don’t even care. I barrel forward with the hope that something will be resolved.
And maybe that’s just what I shouldn’t be doing
Because what are the odds that she’ll really be there?
I’ve been down this road before. Full of hope and excitement. Driven by the strange delusion that if I keep pushing forward, then everything might just go back to the way it was.
And I want my future to look like my past, yet I don’t know what my past is.
And I think back to conversations I had with Evaline.
The silly conversations where we made plans that we knew would be broken.
And I walk up to my former office and stop at the front door.
It’s run down and boarded up. For a second I think that I’m crazy to even imagine her staying at a place like this.
But it’s only for a second. A second and then I swallow my doubts and try the front door.
It’s not locked.
I go in.
My head starts to ache.
There’s a rush of smells and sights that flood me.
They flood me until I’m weak in the knee’s.
Until I drop to the ground.
And then I’m at my old desk.
Neon lights and ringing phones.
I’m wearing an old suit and staring at a computer screen while my boss hammers on my dignity.
‘Did you really think it was ok to put this in my box without proofreading it?’
He throws a stack of papers down in front of me.
His face is red and his neck muscles are tight. He’s staring at me with a white hot glare.
It makes my skin ache.
‘Maybe you could do things right if your fucking wife wasn’t always visiting you at work.’
And this is how it was.
Another part of my endless life of eating shit.
I resent my boss.
I resent my job.
And if I remember correctly, this is the exact moment where I forgot how to love Evaline.
Is that even possible? To remember the exact moment that you forgot something?
‘Your god damned wife is going to be the end of you and your fucking job. She’s going to destroy everything good in your life if you let her.’
And I sit. Taking it.
At the time, I believed him.
It was ages ago.
I was young.
Stupid.
And I listened because I wanted to be on top of everything.
And my boss, he hovers over me while I stare at my computer screen.
I’m waiting to hear the words that come out of my mouth. The shit eating words that show how I have no spine.
Because, if I remember correctly, this is the point where I apologize for being the royal fuck-up that I am. This is where I throw away my pride. This is where I abandon my wife.
And I wait.
My fingers tap.
My jaw clenches.
I feel a rage that makes my insides shake.
And nothing happens.
I don’t apologize.
He doesn’t move.
Seconds tick by and I realize that something is wrong.
This isn’t how I remember things happening.
