And now I’m wondering where I’ve been if he’s dead. I’m wondering when I am. I’m panicking because I don’t know where or when I am and I don’t know how long I have or haven’t been here.
‘You know, you always pinch your eyebrows together when you’re nervous or panicking. It looks like you’re trying to take a shit.’
I laugh.
He laughs.
And I don’t know where I’m going from here. I just know that I need to go somewhere. I need to go back to my old office building.
And I don’t care about noises in the dark and I don’t care about being alone when I go there. Not anymore.
‘You know, you need to stop worrying and just go find her.’
How long has it been since I’ve seen her?
Since I’ve seen my parents.
Since I’ve existed in any sort of ‘normal’ way.
I don’t know.
I can’t even venture a guess.
Am I in a memory right now?
And I feel my muscles aching as I make my way to where I used to work. My heart is beating a confused beat.
I am overwhelmed.
And when I think of the fact that Franklin is dead, I can almost wrap my head around it. It means something to me.
And the sadness that I feel from this loss, it makes it hard to move.
Gravity slows me to a crawl.
And my movements make me feel as if I will never get to my old office.
As if I will never get anywhere.
As if I knew where anywhere was.
I don’t even know when I am.
I don’t even know how old I am.
And I think back to everything that has been happening to me. I think back to everything that I’ve gone through since Evaline disappeared. And now I’m wondering if she isn’t already dead.
I remember when she first left.
I didn’t understand.
And as things moved forward, I had hoped things had changed.
But I don’t even know if I’ve been moving forward. Maybe all I’ve done is gone back.
I look to my right.
There’s a field.
There’s a house in the distance.
It looks old and worn down.
It reminds me of something that seems like ancient history.
It reminds me of a time before the endless process that is staying alive. It reminds of when I was still in the double digits of age.
I had gotten lost while camping with my friends. Jim. Dave. People who I have forgotten about over the years.
I ended up in an old abandoned field.
I was lost and scared and confused.
No one was home and I broke in.
I found dead bodies.
That was the only time I had seen someone who was dead. I had forgotten about it until now. And I’m not sure why I’m now remembering it, but I suspect it’s because of Franklin. Because death has come back to my life after so many years.
I feel sick.
I keep walking.
Hands in pocket.
Head down.
And with each step, I try not to think about what has happened and what I can no longer remember or what I don’t realize that I am remembering. I’m simply trying to move forward.
When I get to the old office building I don’t waste any time.
I don’t stand and stare at the door.
I just walk in.
It’s no longer dusty.
It’s cleaned and it’s polished and it doesn’t feel abandoned like it once was. I start to wonder when I am, I think for a moment and I decide that I don’t care.
I walk up the stairs.
To the old conference room that I had been taken hostage in.
I walk in.
It’s empty.
I go back downstairs.
Stand in the lobby.
I hear a clicking of feet.
I don’t run.
I don’t move.
I don’t care if it’s a security guard. It doesn’t matter at this point.
They’re coming up behind me.
I turn around.
It’s Evaline.
Her skin is wrinkling and being dragged down by the gravity of time.
Her eyes look weathered.
She smiles.
She’s not how I remembered her and for me, that means the world.
I run to her.
We kiss.
It feels right.
Part IV
And time has passed me by.
Years fade in and out.
Someone whispers: ‘Watching you rewrite who you are is like watching a poem fall apart.’
And I’m at home. With Evaline.
She’s dying.
She’s leaving me for good.
And I don’t remember how I got here, but when did that ever matter to me?
Her body looks frail and her hands are wrinkled. She’s lying in bed and staring at the ceiling.
