I rebraided my hair, then fit my arms in and pulled on the helmet with the built-in faceplate. The plastic glass of the faceplate was curved in closer around my face, just half an inch away from my nose at its apex, but the surface area was larger. Instead of being a tight rectangular window, the plastic was clear all the way from ear to ear so that I had much better peripheral vision. I stretched my neck. I liked the way the suit moved with me. I looked down at the front where the fabric was still slack. Even though these gloves were thinner and my fingers less clumsy, I couldn’t figure out how to seal it up.
Jilia’s voice came on over a small speaker. “Activate the console on the right arm of the suit, and it will self-seal.”
I did what she said and the slack at the front of the suit suddenly wove itself closed. I took a little breath in as it tightened on my ribs and wondered just how formfitting it was going to be. Jilia had said it would feel like a second skin, but this left very little to the imagination. I stretched my arms and lifted my knees up to my chest a couple times, trying to get comfortable in it.
The front loosened a little and I felt like I could breathe again. I pulled on the oxygen tank that fit like a slim backpack. It clicked into place and fresh air began circulating through the mask. Finally I was able to press the release button and step back into the tent.
Adrien was waiting, all clean and in a dry tunic. I stepped out tentatively, worrying that I looked ridiculous in the tight suit. When he saw me, his eyes widened. He looked me up and down. Color bloomed in his cheeks, but he didn’t look away as a sideways smile slowly spread.
His reaction made me feel bolder, and I walked around the small space and gave a little twirl, feeling more confident with every step. When I looked back at him, his bright aqua eyes twinkled.
“Nice suit,” he said.
I arranged the pillow under my head and tried to get comfortable. I was so tired, I thought I’d fall asleep right away. Instead, the events of the day played like a vid screen across my closed eyelids.
I thought of Milton and wondered if even now his poor, crumpled body was being tossed into one of the incinerators. Bile rose a little in my throat at the thought. I banished the image and tried to think of something else instead. The living matter, not the dead, Adrien had said.
I looked at the thin tent wall and tried to imagine Adrien on the other side of it. Was he asleep already? I thought of his arms around me earlier and felt cold and lonely. There had been so much space separating us for so long. And now that we were finally together, we still felt too far apart.
I sat up, then after a brief moment of indecision, got to my feet and padded over to the hanging tent flap of my room and slipped into his.
He was sitting at the edge of his mattress, his forearms on his knees. His eyebrows had been bunched together as he stared at the wall with a sad, faraway look in his eyes. He blinked, surprised by my sudden appearance, and then smiled as I stepped inside.
I’d been so sure when I left my room, but suddenly I felt self-conscious. I didn’t really have a reason for coming in and disturbing him. He gestured for me to sit. “Are you okay? What’s going on?” he asked.
I sat down on the mattress beside his. Each room partition had several beds for when the compound was full of people traveling through. “Nothing,” I said. “I just … didn’t want to be alone.” I looked down and fiddled with the tip of my glove, suddenly shy and awkward. He grabbed my hands to stop me, then moved swiftly so that he was sitting beside me. His thigh was warm next to mine.
“I’m not really in the mood to be alone either. I think too much when I’m alone.” His smile was sad, but he quickly masked it with a mischievous wink. “Plus, I couldn’t stop thinking of you in the other room, so close by. In that suit.” I blushed.
He let go of my hand, but absentmindedly began to gently trace a line up over my wrist, to my elbow, then all the way to my shoulder. The fabric of the new suit was so thin, I could feel the pressure of his fingertip. A shiver went up and down my body, and I couldn’t help arching my back.
“God, you’re beautiful,” he whispered.
All the day’s worry and terror and chaos suddenly dropped away at his touch. I turned to him and wrapped my arms around his neck, trying to pull him close, but I was too awkward and the movement knocked us both back onto the mattress. Adrien laughed. Our legs tangled together and he dropped his head to nuzzle at my neck. I ran my gloved hands through his hair, trembling at the feel of him in my arms. But the material between us was such a barrier. I was tired of barriers.
“This stupid suit,” I said as my hands curved up behind his shoulder blades.
“Hey, I am very fond of this suit. It’s saving your life.” His fingers clutched at my waist, right above my hips. It sent a burning fire racing through my stomach.
“But I know what you mean,” he murmured. A low growl escaped his throat as he pulled away.
“What’s wrong?” I sat up in alarm.
“Nothing,” he said with a laugh, running his hands through his hair. “You’re driving me crazy is all.”
His words gave me a zing of satisfaction. “Really?” I asked, smiling wide.
“Really. Look at you!” He gestured up and down at me. “And I can’t even kiss you!” He reached out and wove his fingers with mine. He closed his eyes and dropped his head slightly so that his face was shadowed in the dim light. “When I’m touching you, it’s like everything slows down for a minute. All my thoughts finally narrow down to focus only on the feel of your hand in mine. The rest of the time everything is pressing down so hard. The past. The future.” He shook his head and swallowed hard. “Sometimes I feel like I’m gonna break under the strain.”
“You’re not going to break,” I whispered, squeezing his hand tighter. “You’re the strongest person I know.”
He let out a scoffing noise and shook his head again. “Hardly.”
“It’s true,” I insisted. I paused, watching the tension tightening at the corner of Adrien’s mouth.
“How are we really doing?” I asked quietly. “You’ve been working with the Rez. You’ve seen visions. Do we really have a chance? Can we really take down the Chancellor and the Community?”
He was quiet a long moment, as if he was trying to find the right words. “I don’t really know how to answer you,” he finally said, looking down. “Sometimes I worry we’re fighting a war we can never win. We’re impossibly outnumbered, we don’t have enough resources, and now that the Chancellor has joined the war, we’re stretched too thin. We were always fighting an impossible fight—that’s life in the Rez for ya. But now…” his voice quieted. “I don’t know. It’s harder to hold on to hope. We’re fighting for a dream, for a life unlike anything we’ve ever known. Maybe it can’t be done.”
“Then why—?” I stopped myself.
“Why fight?” He finished. “Why risk everything for something we might not win?” He turned his face back to me, his aqua eyes sparking to life just like they always used to when we talked. “Because if we don’t fight, we’ve already lost. Without hope, without trying, there’s no point. There’s no future. And you, Zoe,” his voice softened. “I would fight forever to have a future with you.”
“Maybe hope alone can make a difference,” I said. “Maybe having something to fight for will make us stronger than anything they can throw at us.”
He nodded, but I wasn’t sure if he was really agreeing with me. Then he looked back at me and smirked. “You know, we’re talking about war and revolution, but really this is supposed to be when you sneak into my room just to make out.”
I laughed. “But I’m trapped in this suit.”
He lifted a hand and caressed down the side of my head. “You must be exhausted.”
“But I can’t sleep.”
“I have an idea. Here, lay down on your stomach.” He moved to arrange the pillow for me.
I laid down, and he put his hands on my shoulders, squeezing and rubbing his thumbs in circles. I felt like I was about to melt into the mattress. He moved from my shoulders up to my neck, and then back down again.
I felt myself growing drowsier with each passing minute. Even though I wanted to stay awake so I didn’t miss a moment with him, I quickly dropped off to sleep.
