Those weren’t the thoughts of his logical warrior self, though. So instead he said carefully, “As a leader, you mean?”
Dez cut a sharp look in his direction. “Of course.” He missed with the seven, though.
“She’s tough, ethical, she works her ass off, and her instincts are generally good.”
“I take it that ‘generally’ doesn’t include the stunt she pulled today?”
“I don’t know what really happened today, and neither do you until you ask her point-blank.” Sven sank the eight with a smooth, deliberate move. “You haven’t, which means you don’t really want to know. You also said that if they won, you’d think about pulling the Nightkeeper leaders off their teams. So I guess the question is… are you going to let the winikin lead themselves? And if so, are you going to let Cara be in charge?” Whether the winikin liked it or not, the Nightkeepers’ king had the final say.
To Sven’s surprise, he tightened up waiting for Dez’s answer. His warrior self—the Nightkeeper mage who thought in terms of strategy and the war—said it would be a bad idea to change things up this close to the end date, a worse idea to have the Nightkeepers’ king be the one to force the change. More, the part of him that cared for Cara didn’t like thinking of her making life-or-death decisions for dozens of her friends… and, worse, learning how to do it too easily, as he had with the killing. He wanted to protect her, insulate her, like he hadn’t done before. He wanted…
Yeah. He wanted. And that was the damn problem.
Dez nodded. “Yeah, I’m going to give them the room to do things their way, within reason. The way I see it, that’s our best chance of getting their full cooperation. And as far as the leadership goes, yeah, I want Cara in charge. She’s still the best choice, for all the reasons Jox picked her.” He paused. “But I want to put a Nightkeeper liaison in place, someone who’ll be a guiding hand, an advocate, that sort of thing.”
A prickle walked its way down the back of Sven’s neck. “Nine, corner pocket,” he said, indicating the shot with a wiggle of his pool cue. Then, casually, “You got someone in mind?”
“You.”
He had seen it coming, could see the logic, even. But he still missed his shot. And, as the nine ball rolled into near perfect alignment with the far corner, giving Dez a winning lie that a blind spider monkey couldn’t have missed, Sven’s hands went numb from his sudden death grip on the cue. “I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”
“Why?”
Because I’ve dreamed about her, kissed her, want her. Because no matter how many times I tell myself we don’t make sense together, I’ve never been able to get her all the way out of my head. And because I know that no matter what happens between us, in the end I’m just going to let her down.
Dez lined up and sank the nine. “That’s the game. You owe me a hundred bucks… and an answer.”
“You’ll get the money,” Sven said slowly, trying to formulate a response that wasn’t a lie, but wasn’t all of the truth, either. Finally, he said, “As for the other thing… I’m a tracker, not a politician, and I do my best work on my own. I’m not saying I won’t do it—you’re my king and I’ll follow orders. I’m just thinking that plenty of the others would do a better job of liaison than me… and that I could probably be more useful somewhere else.”
The king took his time racking his stick before turning back to Sven with steady, serious eyes. “There’s no question I could use you off property. I’m sending a team down to the First Father’s tomb, and you and Mac could be a huge help there. But I’ve gotta ask… are you sure this is the direction you want to go?”
He knew, Sven realized with a jolt. Somehow, the king knew there was something going on between him and Cara—or at least the potential for it. And what was more, he wasn’t issuing a warning. If anything, he was offering them the room to let nature—the fates, the gods, whatever—take its course. Maybe he thought that the power boost of Sven’s pairing up would be worth the inevitable toll the relationship would take on rebel relations, or that sex magic might trigger in Cara the latent power he wanted to believe was inside the winikin. With Dez, it was hard to tell what he was thinking sometimes, and not worth asking. More, Sven thought he was dead wrong in this case. Even if he managed to win Cara over for real—and that was a big-ass if—there was no way the winikin would forgive and forget. The rebels would be pissed that their leader was messing with a mage, the traditionalists would be horrified that they were crossing social lines, and Cara would bear the brunt of their disapproval. More, he and Cara would both know that it was only a matter of time before his DNA kicked in and the restlessness came back. He could fight it for a little while, but in the end it would win—it always did—and he and Mac would take off without looking back.
And he couldn’t—wouldn’t—do that to her.
“Send me south,” he grated. And, yeah, maybe he was running away again, but at least this time it was for a good cause.
CHAPTER TEN
The winikin could throw a hell of a party, and their celebration to mark the Nightkeepers’ defeat—albeit only in paintball form—was no exception. But as Cara nursed a beer from a corner stool at the end of the bar, she thought the revelry carried an edge of desperation. The training hall was too loud, full of people who seemed determined to have a good time but kept looking sidelong at one another like they were wondering how many of them were still going to be around next week, next month… and next year.
She keenly felt each of those looks, because she knew darn well that if they had gone into battle for real today, the answer would’ve been almost none of them, thanks to her. Worse, she wasn’t sure she could promise it wouldn’t happen again, because in the heat of battle, it had seemed like the exact right answer, the same way it had felt so very necessary for her to rebuff Zane. Yet those same instincts hadn’t so much as peeped a protest when she’d gone into Sven’s arms.
What was wrong with her? Was she in the middle of some sort of existential crisis, or had she always had shitty judgment and it just hadn’t really mattered until now? Because, by the gods, right now she wasn’t sure she should trust herself to pick a movie or order another beer. Especially given that the microbrew she’d chosen kind of tasted like feet.
She rolled the cool, sweaty bottle across her forehead, wishing she could call a time-out on her life.
“Hey!” Natalie appeared beside her, snagged an empty stool, and leaned in to give her a one-armed hug. “Congratulations again! You were awesome out there today!”
Cara didn’t shake her head in disbelief, but she sure as heck wanted to. If that had been real, you and JT both would’ve been goners. But that didn’t seem to be registering, or if it was, the winikin were shrugging it off. It was like today’s training exercise had been the catalyst they had needed to finally come around to wanting to believe in her… which would’ve been great, except that now she didn’t believe in herself.
Natalie’s face went from party-level exuberance to concern. “Cara? What’s wrong?”
“I need to get out of here.” She set her smelly-feet beer on the counter and slipped off her chair. “I want… Shit.” Her heart pounded and her eyes prickled with the threat of tears because she couldn’t have what she wanted, didn’t want what she was being offered, and couldn’t handle any of it. “I need to walk.”
Nat slid off her chair. “I’ll go with you.”
“No. Don’t.” Cara softened the refusal with a quick hug, then turned away before her friend could see that she was on the verge of sniveling. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Cara—”
“I’ll be fine,” she said without turning back. “I just need some air.”
But once she was outside, she found that it didn’t help to lean back against the steel wall and breathe when the atmosphere was thick and heavy with another storm. The horizon was leaden, the stars invisible, and the fine hairs on her arms stirred with a static charge that reached inside her and made her want to move. Giving in, she started walking, not caring that she was running away.
“Cara?” The soft call came from behind her and brought her up short at the edge of the floodlit illumination from the training hall.
“Damn it, not now,” she muttered under her breath, but then schooled her expression as she turned back. “Yes?”
She had known it wasn’t Natalie from the voice, but was a little surprised to see Lora step out of the
