free.”
Nausea surged as she flashed on the sight of him standing at the window last night, staring out at the world. But that didn’t do a damn thing to take the edge off the shock that raced through her, didn’t come close to filling the yawning pit that opened up inside her. Yes, she’d seen his restlessness, felt him pulling away, but she’d thought they had more time. She had thought he would settle down, get into the rhythm of being back at Skywatch… and being with her. But he hadn’t even given it a chance.
Anger flaring, she burst out, “Seriously? You’re doing this now?”
“I have to.” His face was stark, his voice flat, and something in his expression made her think that this wasn’t just about him getting squirrelly.
She took a deep breath. “Talk to me, Sven. Help me understand what’s going on in your head, because by the gods, right now it feels just like old times. Only it’s worse. Much, much worse, because I care about you so much more now.” She swallowed. “Please tell me you’re not bailing already.”
“I’ve been having dreams, Cara. Dreams and waking visions of being in the rain forest near Che’en Yaaxil, searching for something. They’re like the flashes I started getting right before Mac and I bonded, only they’re more… I don’t know. Frantic, I guess. Like something really bad is coming.”
She exhaled softly. “You’re afraid you won’t be able to react the way you need to if you’re caught up in managing the winikin and trying to watch my back.” She squeezed his hands, tried for a smile. “We can work with that.”
“That’s part of it, yeah. There’s something else, though…” He returned her squeeze, but didn’t smile. “I’m blocked, Cara.”
“You’re…”
“Blocked. My magic isn’t working right. Mac can hear me but I can’t hear him, can’t tap into his senses. Worse, I nearly used myself up zapping the skull away from Rabbit, and that was a short-range translocation. Power-wise, I’m back down to where I was before Mac and I bonded, maybe less.”
She glanced down at their joined hands, and stretched her senses toward the small trickle of warmth that was so new yet already a part of her. “I can still feel you.”
His eyes went sad. “I can feel you, but I can’t tap into that connection for power. I can’t tap into anything, and that’s a huge problem.”
Panic sparked. They were… what, ten minutes to teleport? Less? “Maybe it has to do with the cave, or the skull. Maybe—”
“I don’t think the blockage is related to the visions, at least not directly.” He glanced away from her, toward the horizon. “I think that it’s coming from inside me.”
Ah, she thought, and then… Oh. Disappointment surged through her—disappointment in him for being who he was, in herself for forgetting. “Because you’re fighting your nature.”
His eyes flicked to hers. “You knew?”
“I… Yeah. I didn’t want to see it, though.”
“I didn’t want to feel it. These past few days have been like a dream, a fantasy. A few times I’ve woken up in the middle of the night or early in the morning, and just watched you sleep for a minute, thinking to myself, ‘There she is. After all these years, there she is.’ And I was as happy as I can ever remember being.” He met her eyes fully, and she saw everything she had been hoping for in him as he said, “I wanted—I want to stay here with you, be with you. I swear it, Cara.”
“Then stay. Be with me.” Emotions raced through her, jamming in a huge lump in her throat.
“I can’t. I tried to ignore it, but… this is who I am.” He raised their joined hands and pressed his lips to her knuckles in a move that shouldn’t have put distance between them, yet somehow did. “We don’t have much more time. I’m sorry as hell to do this to you, but I need you to release me from my vows to protect you and help you with the winikin.”
The blood rushed in her ears. “Then what?”
He didn’t pretend to misunderstand. Pressing his forehead to hers, he said, “Then I’m going to block our bond and open myself back up to the urges of my bloodline. I’ll stay and fight with you for as long as I can… but I can’t promise anything more than that.”
She told herself not to ask, to let it go until after the resurrection spell had been cast. But she asked anyway. “What about us? Is this it?”
“I hope not. I don’t want it to be.” He eased back, searching her eyes. “Cara, I’m crazy about you. I want to be right next to you every moment that I can. I want to help you, protect you, show off for you.… Hell, I’ve never felt like this about anybody, ever, and I need you to believe that.”
Her eyes filled, damn it. “So what are you suggesting?”
“We could take it day by day, see what happens.” He brushed a thumb across her lashes. “You could take me as I am. A coyote… but one who cares for you very much. Can we make that be enough for now?”
Part of her wanted to say, Yes, absolutely. We can make it work. Anything to not give in to the heartache that was beginning to claw at the thought that this was the end of the fireworks. Gods, in a few short days he had become part of her world. He had been everywhere with her, done everything.
Can we make that be enough for now? It echoed in her head, in her heart. And the thing was, it should have been enough. It was just supposed to be fireworks and good times, a way to live the next three months to their fullest in case they were her last. So it shouldn’t matter if he was there some nights and not others. She was fine on her own, after all.
But it did matter. She had learned many things over the past couple of weeks—about herself, about him, about the two of them together—and although there was plenty she didn’t know yet, plenty she didn’t understand, she knew one thing for certain: Day by day wasn’t going to work for her. Not when it came to Sven.
Maybe a different woman would have been able give him the “I’ll see you when I see you” that he was looking for. She couldn’t, though. After a lifetime of being low-priority for everyone except her mom, she wanted more, damn it. She wanted what she’d had for the past few days. And she wanted to know he was there for good, and that he was staying because of her, not because of the gods, or the nahwal’s message, or the coming battle. For her. If she gave in now, she’d be giving up what she wanted, what she needed, so he could regain his power. But in doing so, she would lose her own power, and that was just as important.
And that wasn’t just the woman talking now; it was the winikin’s leader.
Her heart tore as she stood on her tiptoes to kiss him, then ached when she saw a flicker of hope in his eyes. “I release you from your vows,” she said. “You are a free man, not bound to me in any way.”
“That’s not true. You have my heart.”
She yanked away from him to stand on her own with her hands balled into fists. “Don’t! You don’t get to say things like that if you’re not going to back them up.”
“I can’t—”
“You won’t. There’s a difference.” Aware that she was shouting, she took a breath, tried to level off. “You say you want to be with me? Then be with me. You say you want to stay? Then stay.”
“But the magic won’t—”
“Bullshit. The way I’ve heard it, the magic gets blocked when a mage shuts himself off from his emotions. Which means the problems you’re having aren’t because of your bloodline or your visions… it’s about making a commitment.”
And damned if he didn’t wince. “Cara. Babe. You don’t know for sure that’s what’s going on.”
“You don’t know it isn’t, and don’t call me ‘babe.’ Save that for your endless string of beach bunnies.” An inner churning warned her that they were out of time, but she knew that they needed to settle this now, that they both needed to go into battle as strong and whole as possible, whether together or apart. Swallowing, knowing this was her last-ditch, she continued. “You say you’ve wanted me for years, but you stayed away because of my father. Now you’ve got me—you can keep me—but you’re turning away because of the magic. Well, I’m calling a final ‘bullshit’ on that. More, I’ll bet you ten bucks—a million, name your ante—that if you open yourself up fully to our bond, your magic will come back online, maybe even stronger than before.”
It didn’t escape her that neither of them had much practice with love and healthy relationships. If they had all the time in the world, they could have let this one develop more slowly… but time was something they didn’t have. Her throat was raw, her heart a wound in her chest, her pulse a fast, syncopated thudda-thud that seemed to be urging, Say yes, say yes, say yes.
