Elixir

“Sometimes I feel… I feel like I should be doing more,” she picked up a rook, “than this. With my life.” She placed it back and looked up, searching my face. “With you, too.”

I knew I needed to say something, but there was too much I wanted to say.

She scooted closer and rested her head on my shoulder. A heartbeat passed. “I have these memories. They are like dreams. Some are really good and others are dark and red.” She rubbed her cheek against my shoulder. “I know there is more… to all of this.”

“There is,” I whispered, watching her lashes fan her cheeks, her lips part.

“I like this. I like when you hold me at night. That feels right… real.” She paused, lashes lifting. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” My voice sounded, felt heavy.

Alex raised her head, lips puckered. “I have a feeling you do not say that often.”

My breath caught. A ball of emotion formed in my chest. “I don’t.”

“Do you like it?” She gazed at the board, her fingers now hovering over the wrong pieces.

“Of course I do, agapi” I slid an arm around her shoulders and leaned over, pressing my lips against her temple, then her forehead. Her cheeks rose with her smile and so did my chest, and that ball tightened and tightened. I pressed my face into the mass of wavy hair and inhaled.

Apollo had said he knew what this kind of love was capable of. And I finally understood why Paris had risked his country and his blood for Helen. Selfish, yes, but I understood. I would burn down the world if that meant Alex would be safe.

“Knock, knock,” came Deacon’s voice.

Alex stiffened.

Pulling away from her, I looked up. He stood in the door, a slight smile on his face. Withdrawing my arm, I stood, surprised to find my legs weak.

Alex’s eyes bounced from my brother to me and she must’ve read something in my eyes, because she relaxed and went back to the chessboard.

“What’s up?” I asked.

He sauntered into the room. “What’s up with you?”

My lips twitched. “Playing chess with Alex.”

“Stimulating.” Deacon watched Alex move her chess pieces around the board in no particular order. “Luke’s been in contact with Olivia.

She’s with her mom and they’ve hooked up with Laadan. They want to come here.”

“If they are with Laadan, then I trust them. Clear it with Marcus, though.”

“I like Marcus.” Alex stood and drifted over to me.

Deacon arched a brow. “Now, that’s odd…”

“Deacon,” I warned.

Alex smiled up at me, holding a bishop in her hand. “Checkmate?”

He chortled. “Good gods, she’s like Rain Man.”

Anger whipped through me so fast I saw red, and then Alex frowned. “Is this ‘Rain Man’ a good thing?” she asked.

Taking a step toward my idiot brother, I exploded. “Get the hell out of here before I strangle you within an inch of your life.”

Eyes wide, Deacon’s hands flew up. “Whoa, I was just kidding. I mean, come on, she’s pretty random now.”

Rage swept through me. He was my brother. I loved him, but dammit, he never thought before he spoke. Voice low, I said, “Do you even know how insulting that is to Alex?”

He blinked, his cheeks flushing. “I wasn’t thinking—”

“No shit.”

“I didn’t mean anything by it, Aiden. I’m sorry.” His gaze went behind me and he frowned. “I really am.”

Taking a deep breath, I let the red-hot anger slip off my brittle skin. “I know. It’s just that…” There was no need to finish. Deacon knew. “I didn’t mean to… yell at you. Just let Marcus know about Laadan and Olivia. Okay?”

Deacon looked like he wanted to say more, but wisely nodded and backed out of the room.

Sighing, I turned around. “Alex—”

The spot she’d stood in was empty. Dammit. I should’ve known better. Yelling and threatening to choke the ever-loving crap out of Deacon in front of her hadn’t been wise. I kept forgetting that this wasn’t Alex.

This was a frightened girl.

My eyes scanned the room, stopping on the linen closet door. It was ajar, revealing a thin strip of darkness. She wouldn’t…

To think of Alex—my strong, beautiful and resilient Alex—hiding in a closet killed me. For a heartbeat, I couldn’t move or breathe. I’d done this to her—given her the Elixir, changed her into something that ran when voices were raised. And I wanted to blame Seth for his influence, the bond he’d forged with her that’d led us to this choice, but I’d been the one who’d forced the Elixir down her throat.

There wasn’t forgiveness for me.

Stamping down the whirling mix of grief and rage, I made my way to the closet and slowly opened the double doors. It was a deep closet, with several shelves on the top stocked with quilts. A few garment bags hung from a rail. My gaze dropped. Five tiny toes peeked out from behind a bag.

I closed my eyes and swore under my breath, and then I eased the bags apart. Alex’s foot jerked back, and I could hear her moving deeper into the recesses. Kneeling down, I found her pressed against the wall, knees tucked against her chest and eyes wide.

“Oh, Alex.”

She watched me warily. “My name is Alexandria.”

And just like that, all those days of drawing her out of the Elixir-induced shell were lost.

“Okay.” I sat down cross-legged and dragged my fingers through my hair, debating on how to proceed with this. Deacon used to get nightmares when he was a kid. He hadn’t hidden in the closet, but he had screamed like a furie. I used to read to him. Somehow I doubted that would work now. “Are you all right?”

A moment passed. “I do not like yelling.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” And I was. “But I would never hurt Deacon. He’s my brother.”

Confusion flickered over her face. “You said you were going to strangle him.”

I really wanted to strangle him now. “I didn’t mean it. Sometimes we say things we don’t mean when we’re upset.”

She appeared to consider that. “When you yelled, I saw something.”

“What?” I inched forward, careful not to startle her. “What did you see?”

Opening her hands, she stared down at them. The bishop was in her hand, leaving behind angry red marks from how tightly she’d been holding it. “Blood—there was blood on my hands, but it was not there. Not really.”

I had no idea what she meant by that, but I’d moved to her side while she’d been talking, and she hadn’t seemed to notice. I sat next to her, stretching out my legs in the cramped space. My shoulder brushed hers, and her eyes shot to my face, questioning and indecisive but not scared.

“Is there still blood on your hands now?”

Alex shook her head. “I heard something, too. It was a voice,” she continued softly. “It was important.”

My stomach sank. I didn’t like where this was going, what it would lead to. If she was starting to remember things, it meant she’d need another dose, another compulsion. And I’d just given the last dose two days ago. I sighed. “What is it?”

Her fingers twisted along the edges of the bishop. “You’ll kill the ones you love.” She lifted her gaze. Tears glistened in her eyes. “Have I?”

“Alex…” There weren’t words for this. Her lower lip started to tremble, and my heart squeezed. My mind was made up. “No. You’ve never killed anyone.”