Yes, he loved his work—but not the killing. It might be an essential part of his job, but it was one she sensed he abhorred. She could see the self-loathing in the back of his eyes, hear it in the edge in his voice. And because of his work, because of what he was forced to do day in and day out, he was keeping everyone at arm's length. If you didn't care, you didn't get hurt.
It was a hell of a way to live. And yet, in many ways, wasn't she doing exactly the same thing? Maybe her reasons were different, but the result was still the same. A life locked in unending, unbearable loneliness.
He'd once told her life was made to be lived, that she couldn't hide forever. Maybe it was time they both took his advice.
'But that would make you no better than the monsters you chase,' she said softly. 'And you're not a monster, Jon. Just a man who needs to open up and let someone in.'
'Like you?' His short laugh was derisive. 'We're little more than strangers. I've killed. I will keep on killing. I have no desire for anyone I—' He stopped, then shrugged.
But his unfinished sentence sung through her mind. No desire for anyone I care about to get in the
She glanced down at her hands for a minute. If she wanted him to open up, maybe it was only fair that she do the same.
'I've killed too,' she whispered, not looking up—not even when his hand wrapped around hers and squeezed gently. She turned her hand and entwined her fingers in his, but resisted the temptation to cling tightly. It was time to be strong, time to be truthful about that night. She'd lied to everyone, including herself, for far too long.
'Brian, my husband, died in a fire—a fire I lit. I burned him, burned our home—burned everything that reminded me of our life together. And I have never regretted it.' Even though the nightmares—and the fear that she might so easily kill again—had haunted her ever since.
The soft rattle of the wind buffeting the windows was the only sound to be heard for several long heartbeats. She waited tensely, not sure what sort of reaction she expected—or wanted—from him.
'You didn't mean to kill him. There's a difference.' Though his voice was neutral, there was a hint of understanding and warmth in his expression that made her heart race. He understood, even if he didn't say as much. He too had lived the same hell.
She closed her eyes, blinking back the sudden sting of tears. For too long she had stood alone, afraid to tell anyone about that night, afraid that her gifts would forever isolate her. Maybe they still would. The full truth wasn't out yet.
'But I did mean to.' She glanced down, watching his thumb gently caress her wrist. His gentle touch somehow soothed the sick churning in her stomach. Over six years had passed, yet the brutality with which Brian had attacked her still made her shake. And all because she had been out shopping rather than home to answer his call.
'He wouldn't stop hitting me,' she whispered, unable to help the quaver in her voice. 'No matter what I said or did, he just wouldn't stop. I wanted him to burn in hell. I screamed it at him and… and he did.
And even if I had been able to restrain my fire that day, I wouldn't have. He deserved the death he got.
In some ways, he was more of a monster than Eleanor ever could be.'
'One death doesn't make you a killer, Maddie,' Jon said softly. 'You were acting in self-defense, nothing more.'
'But what if I've killed twice?'
He met her gaze steadily. 'Twice?'
She nodded and licked her lips. 'Some mistakes I seem destined to repeat. I was barely six the first time. My father was hitting my mother and I just wanted him to stop. I lit a fire. He did stop, but by then, the fire had gotten out of control. My brother died in the blaze.'
'Come here.' He tugged her forward and into his arms. It felt like a homecoming. 'You're not a killer, no matter what you think. You never could be.'
She squeezed her eyes shut against the threat of more tears. In the midst of a nightmare she'd found a man she cared about—maybe even loved. And he would send her away from him without regret, simply because it was safer.
But being safe was something she no longer wanted.
She turned in his embrace and met his gaze. His face was so close that his breath washed warmth across her lips and sent shivers of desire thrumming through her body. 'Don't send me away. I need to be here.'
A slight smile tugged the corners of his mouth, and a hint of weariness momentarily warmed the coldness in his eyes. He reached up and gently brushed a stray curl away from her cheek, his touch trailing across her skin like fire.
'I have no choice. Eleanor will kill you in revenge for Hank, and that is something I just couldn't live with.'
The catch in his voice made her heart sing. 'Eleanor won't always be around.'
'No. But someone like her will. You need a man you can make a life with, someone with whom you can raise children and grow old. I'm not that someone, Maddie. I can't be. I chose my path a long time ago, and it's far too late to change.'
She saw the pain in his eyes and knew being with her was his dream as well, whether or not he was willing to admit it. She pulled her gaze away from his and stared out the window. 'All I've ever wanted in my life is someone to love and understand me,' she said softly. 'You wouldn't think something so simple would be so hard to find.'
'Ah, Maddie.' He leaned forward and kissed her forehead. He might well have been branding her, so deep did the brush of his lips burn. 'If I hadn't given my heart to my work a long time ago, it would be yours. But I have no room in my life now for anything else. And certainly no desire for it to change.'
She studied his face. There was an edge to his voice that made her wonder whom he was trying to convince—himself or her. But it was the determination in his eyes that told her it was pointless to argue with him.
How ironic that she'd gotten her wish—the chance to have him hold her one more time—only to discover that she wanted a whole lot more.
She looked across to her own bed. Half hidden by the growing darkness, it looked uninviting and solitary— like so much of her life. But it was a pattern she desperately wanted to break.
She had tonight, if nothing else. This was her chance to finally take a stand and do something she wanted to do, instead of merely drifting along, following the wishes and desires of others. And what she wanted, more than anything, was to lie in the warm security of Jon's arms for the rest of the night.
She leaned her cheek against his shoulder and ran her fingers across the golden hairs on his chest, placing her hand over his heart. Its unsteady rhythm matched her own.
'Sleep with me,' she whispered softly.
His smile was something she felt deep inside. 'Anytime. But I'm afraid sleeping is all I'm up to. I have to keep the leg as still as possible.'
'Sleeping will do.' Any time spent in his arms would be better than nothing. And at least it would give her a memory to hold on to when she left in the morning.
All she had to do then was figure out how she was going to find Teresa without his help.
Chapter Sixteen
Jon jerked awake. For several minutes he stared into the darkness, listening to the wind howl past the windows. Maddie was pressed warmly against his side, her breath a whisper stirring the hairs across his chest. Nothing else disturbed the silence, yet something didn't feel right.
'What is it?' Her murmur ran heat past his chin as she glanced up.
Maybe the odd sound had been nothing more than his imagination. He ran his finger down her cheek then across the lips he longed to kiss. Maybe what had woken him was the ache of holding her so close and being
