Jagged

gorgeous.

I did this memorizing it because, soon, I wouldn’t see it again.

Then I focused not on the color of his eyes, but him.

“I need to move out,” I whispered and his body seemed to grow heavier on mine as his eyebrows snapped together.

“What the fuck?”

“I need to move out,” I repeated, louder this time. “And, um, give notice.”

“What the fuck?” he said again, pissed this time, then he bit out, “For fuck’s sake, why?”

“Why?” I asked.

He had to know.

“Yeah, babe, why?”

He didn’t know.

“I can’t do this,” I told him. “I can’t be like we are now. I can’t be roomies.”

“Yeah, your sweet, hot, middle-of-the-night visit clued me in to that. Or, I should say, your sweet, hot, long- fuckin’-overdue visit clued me in to that.”

I felt my lips part as my eyes went from looking into his to staring.

“What?” I breathed.

“Zara, for nearly two months, I’ve been waitin’ for you to come to me.”

What did he just say?

I didn’t get a chance to ask; he kept talking.

“I didn’t handle it right that first night. Got the wrong end of the stick. You weren’t you. Thought your head was fucked. You gave me plenty of time to think about it, though, and I get it. You were you, and Christ, never knew a woman who liked my cock in her mouth so much. You got lost in that, lost control and, my guess, it’s been a long time so that made you totally lose control. It was fuckin’ hot, don’t get me wrong, but you got so lost it made me feel like available meat. But I shouldn’t have been a dick. I should have talked to you about it. But I’d been waiting so goddamned long for you to come to me, and that was not how I wanted it to go when you did, that I got pissed and acted like an asshole. But you shouldn’t have run away when we sorted that out last night in my bed before we could totally sort it out by havin’ a goddamned chat.”

I heard all that.

But I honed into one part of it.

“You’ve been waiting for me to come to you?”

“Babe, you’re my Zara, my cookie, so fuck yeah, I’ve been bidin’ my time, givin’ you space to sort your head out, but waitin’ to get you back, as in”—his hand slid up to cup my jaw and his face dipped closer— “back.”

Was he serious? Two months… no seven, if you counted when he came back after hatchet man got to him, I’d been in misery and he’d been waiting to get me back?

I felt my eyes narrow.

“Last night, you rolled off me and didn’t say a word about a chat before you went to the bathroom,” I reminded him.

“Zara, what we shared, so good, so hot, so close, us bein’ back to us, didn’t feel I needed to say a word,” he replied.

Was he for real? “Back to us” and he didn’t feel he needed to say a word?

“Well, you did,” I stated.

“I see that now,” he returned.

Okay, then, time for a different subject.

“You said you didn’t want my body,” I accused.

“I lied, Zara. Fuck, when have I ever not wanted in there?” he asked, a question that had one answer, that being never. But he didn’t give me the chance to give that answer, he kept talking. “I would have said anything to get you out of that shithole, get you safe, and get you with me.”

“You lied?” I asked.

“I lied,” Ham answered.

“Lied?” My voice was getting higher.

“Asked and answered, darlin’,” he clipped.

“So you thought it was a good idea to lie,” I noted unhappily.

“Babe, I came to you, we almost instantly got up in each other’s shit. You had a lot you were dealin’ with and one of those things didn’t need to be me. You weren’t lettin’ anyone do anything for you. You needed time to deal. I wanted you with me. I did what I had to do to give you that and make that happen for me.”

My head gave a jerk as what he said tardily hit me.

“You wanted me with you?”

He was beginning to look impatient.

“You’ve known me years. I ever go back?” he asked.

“Go back to what?”

“Go back anywhere.”

“Ham—”

“I don’t go back,” he declared.

“I don’t get—”

“Now I’m back in Gnaw Bone, back at The Dog, babe, why do you think that is?”

I didn’t speak. I was back to staring.

Because I knew why I wanted that to be.

I just rarely got what I wanted.

Then Graham Reece finally gave me what I wanted.

“Because you’re here.”

“Holy shit,” I whispered.

He stopped looking impatient, his eyes warmed, his face went soft, and his lips twitched.

But, “Yeah,” was all he said.

This was too much. Too fast. Too good.

I didn’t know if I ever had good.

Well, my shop, Karma, was good and the four months I had of Ham years ago were good. Not to mention the times in between with Ham. Those were good, too.

But I’d never had good.

“I don’t know what to do with this,” I told him quietly.

“First thing you’re gonna do is, after we fuck, stay in my goddamned bed for more than five seconds. Next thing you’re gonna do will happen tomorrow and that’s you movin’ your shit in here because here’s where you’re gonna be sleepin’ from now on. And after that, I don’t know.” He shrugged and concluded, “We’ll wing it.”

We’d wing it?

Yes, this was too much and it was too fast.

There were things to be said.

“Ham, you… we… when you… that is when we—”

His lips twitched again before he urged, “Spit it out, darlin’.”

“I can’t go back.”

There was no lip twitch then. His hand slid to my neck, palm at my throat, fingers digging in the side.

“Cookie,” he whispered.

I shook my head. “I want that but I can’t have it because it’s not what I really want. We’ve always been honest so I have to lay it out so you know where I’m at.” I took in a deep breath that was nevertheless shaky and laid it out. “I barely survived walking away from you. I couldn’t handle you walking away from me.”

Strangely his face got a mixture of hard and soft, his eyes warm and sharp before he stated, “Zara, you’re not paying attention.”