Jagged

That didn’t mean I didn’t always love her.

Xenia returned the favor.

She pulled herself together, though that didn’t mean she still didn’t fuck up. With my help, we got her into a program. She said sayonara to the drugs and booze but unfortunately kept up with the meaningless hookups and got herself knocked up.

When she’d learned she was pregnant and decided to keep the baby, we’d both been cautiously excited, considering our history—especially hers. I was looking forward to having a nephew. I was looking forward to helping Xenia right past wrongs.

Then it all went to shit.

If I’d had the money, the stability, the maturity, and the strength to fight my dad back then, I would have taken Xenia’s baby on. I didn’t fool myself it wouldn’t be tough but I wanted that piece of my sister and I wanted her, wherever she was, to know I was taking care of her boy.

But I also knew that couples without the ability to have babies could give him a life maybe better than the one I could give him. I also knew my dad would see me a quivering mess and beaten so low I couldn’t stand before he gave up. And last, I feared that even if I won him, Dad would find ways to fuck with me, and the baby. I also knew the ways my father could fuck with someone, and none of them were pleasant.

So I hated it but I let him be put up for adoption.

To get him safe, in a good, stable home with good people who would love him, I struck the deal.

Now I had my second chance.

Then my heart plummeted because I might have maturity but the money and stability were in even more of a shambles than they’d been back then.

This wouldn’t work.

“Nina’s my friend and I know she’d do a lot for me, Ham,” I started. “But I really do not have the resources to go after custody and there’s no way I could take that kind of freebie from Nina. She didn’t even handle my divorce, since she insisted on giving me a huge discount. You know me, I couldn’t accept that. So Greg and I used her partner, George. Since I wanted the divorce, I intended to pay, but in the end, Greg insisted on paying for all that. He wouldn’t stand down and I was seriously struggling so I let him. Nina didn’t say anything but I unintentionally screwed her with losing a client, which isn’t cool.”

“Zara—”

“And you know Dad. He’d fight it. Tooth and nail. I have no idea how he paid for the care Xenia received for nine years, since she had no insurance. He isn’t loaded even though they’re comfortable, or they were, and that had to cost a whack. But obviously he did it and he’ll throw everything at me to make sure I don’t get Xenia’s son.”

“Honey—”

“And I’m not sure how a judge will feel, with my credit history, me workin’ at a bar. Nothin’s changed since back then except, if anything, it’s worse. I’m a divorcee and I wasn’t even married but a couple of years. I lost a business. I had a house foreclosed on. I’m doin’ better but Dad will throw all that at me. It’ll get ugly and go on forever. And if I make the decision to drag a child through something like that, well… I might be able to start it but I gotta be able to see it through.”

Ham shifted his hand to the side of my neck, his fingers tensed, and he ordered gently, “Zara, quiet for a second and listen to me.”

“Okay,” I agreed.

“I got a little money—”

I was quiet only for the second he asked when I interrupted with, “Ham—”

His fingers tensing deeper into my neck interrupted me.

“Baby, listen.”

I shut my mouth and nodded.

Ham waited a beat to make sure I kept my mouth shut before he continued.

“It isn’t much, the money I got, but I got it. Nina knows this. She’s gonna let us pay in installments. That said, I make a good salary. Brutal hours, lots of shit to deal with, they learned with management turnover high for the last decade, they get a good one in, they keep him by payin’ him. We got low overhead, livin’ together. It may make things tight for a while but it isn’t gonna break us and it’ll be worth it.”

When he stopped and I knew he was done, I ventured, “Yes, Ham, but you were a rolling stone. I just got out of making a mess of my life. A judge will—”

“A judge will hear that your father beat you, your sister, and your mom and take that into account. Hospital reports on your sister will bear to the truth that she appeared battered upon admission and I know she got hit by a car, babe, but they know the difference between kinds of bruises and when a body gets ’em. There were some that weren’t fresh. Your testimony, baby, seein’ as she called you that day, you went over there, and she shared your dad paid a visit, and you know from history and experience he’s not above that, makes a former rolling stone who’s got a steady job and a good income and a woman who got caught in the bite of a bad recession that lots of folks got caught in not so bad. My guess, if we can convince a judge of that, no fuckin’ way he’d allow decisions about where Zander was or wasn’t to be made by your father.”

This made me feel better.

What did not make me feel better was the fact that we were talking about gaining custody of a boy neither of us knew, raising him, and Ham and I had been an official couple for approximately thirty hours.

He hadn’t told me all his history. We hadn’t worked through that. We hadn’t worked through anything.

We began the day before.

We were nowhere near solid.

“I can’t ask you to do this. We’re just starting out and—”

“Babe,” he cut me off, “you got a bad marriage under your belt. I got one, too. We’re screwed if we didn’t learn from that shit but I’ll tell you somethin’, I did. I lived decades not formin’ ties with the women in my life because I didn’t wanna get bit again by a bad one. I also know a good woman when I find one and I found a good one. I hope to Christ you feel the same way about me, cookie. And if you do, we got that. We intend to take this through the long haul, we commit to thick and thin. I’d have liked it to be thick for more than a fuckin’ day before we got thin. But I don’t step up for you now, then you should step through that door because that would make me a man who wasn’t worthy of you.”

Now I loved him even more.

So much more, I was going to cry again.

Therefore, as tears pooled in my eyes, I announced, “I’m gonna cry again.”

“Sock it to me, darlin’. You cry happy tears ’cause I just told you I think you’re the shit and I got your back, I’ll take ’em.”

Luckily, what he said made me smile, not cry.

It also made me slide up his chest and put my mouth to his.

This made Ham slide his hand into my hair and hold me to him as his mouth opened under mine, mine opened over his, and our kiss became a wet, sweet, amazing kiss.

Unfortunately, while it was moving from sweet to hot, the doorbell rang.

“Fuck,” Ham muttered against my mouth.

“Yeah,” I muttered against his.

Ham shifted his head, kissed my neck, then rolled me to the back of the couch so he could roll off of it.

I pushed up to sitting cross-legged in the couch, pulling my stretchy nightgown over my knees as I watched him move to the front door, look to the peephole. His jaw got tight, his eyes went over his shoulder to me then he turned and opened the door.

Mick Shaughnessy was standing there.

I didn’t know if this was good or bad, considering, ten minutes after I got up, with teeth brushed, face washed, and pouring coffee, Ham told me he paid Mick a visit in town because he was also concerned about my aunt’s performance last night and then I got the bad news.

“Mick, surprised,” Ham said as greeting.

“Reece, my apologies but I got some information for Zara that I’m thinkin’ she’ll wanna know. I looked you up, found out where you lived, and came by so I could give it to her.”