Precious Consequences

“Did you tell him about…” my words trail off but my grandmother knows what I’m asking. Did she tell him about Ari? She shakes her head. No.

“Tell me about what?”

Shit. Now I’ve really stuck my foot in it.

“Nothing,” I reply. “It’s nothing.”

“Jefferson, tell Hayley why you’re really here.” My father looks at my grandmother and then back at me.

“Your mother and I,” he swallows hard, “are getting a divorce. I’m leaving her.”

“Why now? Why not years ago when she had her first affair?”

“Because, some new information has come to light, and that’s another reason why I came.”

Great. Like this conversation needs any more enlightenment.

I give him my best ‘hurry up and get on with it’ expression and wait for him to continue.

“Her last affair was just before that video of you and that Kyle kid came out, and it was with another one of my business associates. Apparently, his daughter went to school with you.”

“What does that have to do with me and mom's affair?”

My grandmother takes a seat next to me and holds my hand, and I know I’m not going to like whatever my father is about to tell me.

“Well,” my father continues. “The man she had an affair with is Richard Allen, and his daughter is Kimber Allen.”

My face pales and I feel the oxygen dissipate from my lungs. That’s a name I was hoping I would never have to hear again. She’s the one who recorded my one night stand with Kyle and then sent it to all her contacts, who then sent it to all of their contacts, until eventually every cellphone and digital device had it at school.

“Oh my God,” I whisper, feeling my eyes grow wet again. Dammit. It made me sick enough to think that everyone saw my one nightstand, but now that I know why it happened, it makes me feel even more ill. This is just too much information all at once.

I stand up. When I manage to speak my voice comes as a hoarse whisper. “I think it’s time for you to leave.”

“Hayley, I - ”

“JUST GO!” I scream, feeling myself crumbling from the inside out. All the shame I’ve carried around is suddenly staring me in the face and I don’t know if I can deal with this all over again.

My thoughts come to a standstill when a little voice calls for me from the top of the stairs. “Mommy?”

My grandmother moves but I stop her.

“I’ll get her,” I say, ignoring the quizzical look that becomes a look of understanding on my father’s face.

I round the corner and see Ari, waiting patiently for me to come to her. She rubs her eyes, clutching her pink bunny to her chest. The sight of her alone quiets the raging storm inside me and I climb the stairs quickly to get to her. I drop to my knees in front of her and hug her to me, as if she is the very air that I breathe.

“Mommy, don’t cwy,” she says. Her little lip quivers and I imagine how seeing me in such a state could be upsetting to her.

“I’m sorry, baby,” I coo into her hair. “Mommy won’t cry anymore. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

She clutches me and I pick her up, not quite ready to let go of her. When I walk downstairs and back into the living room, my father and my grandmother are having a conversation, their voices nothing but harsh whispers.

My grandmother walks over to us. “Did you have a nice nap?” she asks Ari. My father is watching us, his expression a mixture of curiosity and disbelief. “Is it time for princess Ari to eat?”

Ari squirms and holds onto me tighter when my grandmother tries to reach for her. Ari is too attuned to me and my emotions and she can feel that I’m upset. She’s always been able to do that. I kiss her forehead, hoping it will soothe her. The last thing I wanted was for her to be upset because I’m upset, and I certainly never imagined that she’d be meeting her grandfather like this either. I’ve just had what feels like a bomb dropped on me, but all I care about is Ari, and making sure that none of this ever affects her.

“It’s fine,” I tell my grandmother. “I’ll feed her in a little while.”

My grandmother smiles sadly at me but doesn’t protest or insists that she takes Ari from me. She stays put, but close enough to flank me, and I take a tentative step towards my father, but stay out of reaching distance. For some reason I’m nervous to have him finally know about Ari, like she won’t be mine anymore. It’s an absurd thought to have because no matter what, she will always be mine.

My father looks at Ari, and then at me, and then back to Ari. “Is she…”

“Yes,” I reply. “She’s two years old.”

My father gasps and covers his mouth, his eyes welling up. Not quite the reaction I was expecting, since my father was never one for displaying emotions, but I see sadness in his eyes, and penitence. Remorse and guilt, too. Suddenly I have a whole new understanding of what he must be feeling. I no longer look at him through the eyes of an angry child, but through the eyes of a parent. I would feel the same way he does now, realizing just how much he’s missed, if I were in his shoes.

Looking down at Ari, her head is tucked away in my neck. “Ari, sweetheart, this is your grandfather.”

She eyes him cautiously, probably trying to piece it all together in her little mind.

“She’s beautiful,” my father says, wiping his tears. “She looks just like you.”

He doesn’t say anything about Kyle and I’m grateful. I’m sure it’ll come up eventually but I won’t bring it up now.  That’s a whole different can of worms I’m just not ready to open yet. And I hope I won’t have to. We spend a little while talking, my father making his intention to be part of my life, and Ari’s, clear. I have no idea how to feel about it, except cautious. Is it strange that I don’t trust him after all this time? Maybe, but it’s not just me that I have to be cautious for.

Later, once my father has left, and Ari is safely tucked in bed, Cameron finally shows up and I practically throw myself at him.

“Hey,” he chuckles. “I didn’t think you’d miss me that much. You saw me a few hours ago.”

He pulls away, frowning as soon as he sees my red, blotchy face and puffy eyes. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

I shake my head and hold onto him tighter, not quite capable of saying anything yet. After my father left, I spent a good thirty minutes holed up in my room, crying all over again. It felt like all of the anger and indignation that I’ve kept bottled up for all this time left my body all at once, in the form of an epic tear-and-snot filled episode. Strangely enough, I felt like I needed it.

“Is she okay?” Cameron asks my grandmother, who walks past us on her way out of the kitchen.

“She’s fine, dear. Why don’t you take her up to bed, she just needs some rest and tomorrow she’ll be right as rain.”

I hear my grandmother make her way upstairs and then I’m airborne, cradled in Cameron’s arms and pressed against his chest. He places me on the bed and starts undressing me, giving way to my need to numb what I’m feeling. I crush my mouth to his, catching him off guard and making him fall onto the bed with me. I grab him, desperate to forget the mess inside my head for a little while.

“Whoa,” Cameron says, holding me to his chest instead of pushing me away. “Easy there, tiger.”

“I want you,” I whisper. I try to capture his mouth with mine again but he dodges my efforts and I feel a slight sting of rejection.

“Don’t you want me?” I ask petulantly. I’m whining, and I know it, but I’m desperate.

“Of course I do,” Cameron replies gently. “I always want you. But not like this.”

I look away, and try to push myself away from Cameron. I’m suddenly trying to escape and it seems I can’t do it fast enough. My own behavior embarrasses me. What am I doing? Why am I behaving like a total nut job right now?

Cameron wraps an arm around my waist. “You’re not going anywhere,” he says, crushing me to him. “Not until you talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong, Hayley, I hate seeing you this upset and not knowing how to make it better.”

I keep my face averted, afraid that if I look at him I’ll crack and then he’ll think I