He brushed past her into the salon.
“How did you find me?” she asked, closing the door behind him.
He turned to face her. “Don’t worry, Lily and Annie kept your secret well. I spent the last several days bribing every employee of every hotel across the city.”
She arched a brow. “Breaking rules? That doesn’t sound like you.”
“I assure you. Nothing I’ve done in the past few days sounds like me.”
She pushed her hands down her skirts. “But how did you find—”
“Catherine paid me a visit.”
She looked down and nodded. “I see.”
“Don’t blame her. She was doing me a favor.”
Kate twisted her fingers. “I’d never blame her. She’s been so kind to take me in.” Her gaze searched his face. “Are you all right, James?”
He smiled a humorless smile. “How can you ask me that?”
She moved over to the window and looked out, wrapping her arms around her middle. “Why did you come?”
His voice was tight. “Funny. I thought I’d asked you to marry me, and you never gave me your answer. Or did you forget?”
She traced her finger along the windowsill. “I thought my answer was clear when I told you I was leaving.”
He narrowed his eyes on her. “You left me a note. A note I ripped into a hundred pieces.”
Her voice cracked. “I’m sorry, James.”
“Tell me to my face that the answer is no,” he demanded. A muscle ticked in his jaw.
She swung around to face him, tears welling in her eyes. “I’m leaving for the Continent in two days, James.”
Kate eyed James. His hair was disheveled, his cravat askew. He looked completely mussed and endearingly handsome. And she’d done this to him. His house was destroyed, his reputation in danger, and now he was apparently willing to completely obliterate it for her. She couldn’t allow it.
When he’d asked her if the answer to his proposal was no, she couldn’t say it, couldn’t drag that one word past her dry lips. She wanted so badly to say yes, but she couldn’t say that either.
He didn’t love her. Had never said as much. He’d offered for her out of a sense of duty. A misguided sense of duty. Just like he had with Lily. He was trying to fix it all.
There were some things you just couldn’t fix. But that wasn’t the worst part. The hardest part. The fact was, Kate loved him. She’d fallen in love with him, truly, deeply. And she couldn’t allow him to sacrifice himself for her. She was a social outcast, a pariah. She had nothing to offer him but ruin. If he had truly loved her, truly wanted her, she might be tempted to accept his offer. They might be able to make it work. But she couldn’t let him ruin himself over someone he didn’t even love. No, she’d spent years in a loveless marriage before and she refused to repeat that mistake ever again.
“James,” she whispered, turning to him. “I cannot allow you to ruin yourself over me.”
“That is my decision to make.”
She dug her fingernails into her palm. “No it’s not, actually. It’s mine too.”
He cursed under his breath. “I didn’t mean—”
She closed her eyes and put up a hand. “I know. You’re just trying to do the right thing. But I cannot allow you to.”
“Damn it, Kate. You’re not allowing me—”
Her eyes snapped open again. “James, I know you. You’re so noble, so full of honor. You want to do right by everyone.” She couldn’t say Lily’s name. Not now. And what did any of it matter? Even if he’d never offered for Lily, the situation was untenable because of her own blackened reputation.
“Kate, don’t do this.” He moved toward her, reached for her, and she had to close her eyes, hoping he wouldn’t see the unshed tears. He wasn’t making this easy for her. She’d just have to play her very last card. She whirled around, turning her back on him, staring unseeingly out the frozen panes of glass in the window. “Marriage is hardly a panacea, James. The first time I married, everyone acted as if I’d been given a gift from the heavens. I quickly realized that was far from true. You’ll forgive me if I don’t think marrying another nobleman is the answer to my prayers.”
There was a long, painful pause before he answered in a tight, clipped voice. “Is that how you truly feel? You equate me with George?”
Again, she couldn’t drag the word past her lips. Instead, she merely nodded. She shut her eyes. “Good-bye, James,” she whispered.
Seconds later, she heard the door close behind him and the click of his boots on the marble in the hallway. She rested her forehead against the freezing windowpane and let the tears she’d been holding back flow freely down her cheeks. Sobs racked her body. Oh God, she’d just performed the most selfless act of her life, letting the man she loved walk away.
CHAPTER 39
James tossed the small glass of gin into the back of his throat. He gritted his teeth. It tasted like hell. But the Curious Goat Inn was as fine a place as any to drink his troubles away. They’d given him a table in the back, a full bottle of liquor, and a questionably clean glass. Perfect.
He tipped the bottle to the mouth of the glass again, clicking the two together. Damn it all to hell. He’d done the one thing he swore he would never do. He’d actually gone and fallen in love. Of all blasted things. It’s true that he hadn’t completely ruled out marriage. Hell, he’d proposed to Lily a matter of months ago. She’d turned him down of course, but love had never been a factor. And it wouldn’t be. Or so he’d vowed years ago. Years and years ago. Marriage and children were one thing. Love was another thing altogether.
He’d only ever loved, truly loved, one other woman in the world, and he’d both never met her and been responsible for her death. Love meant a great deal of pain and a great deal of risk, two things he wanted no part of. His tightly controlled life had been a study in perfection, yes. And perfection involved making the right decisions too. Love made nothing but messes. Big, odious messes. Ones that needed to be cleaned up posthaste.
Right. Love had no place in his world. But he’d bloody well gone and fallen in it regardless. Despite his vows and best intentions, he’d fallen in love with Kate. And she’d rejected him. And it hurt, damn it. Her standing there telling him she couldn’t allow him to ruin himself over her. That had been nothing more than an excuse. If she loved him, truly loved him, she wouldn’t let anything stand in the way. Just like he wouldn’t. What did a reputation matter when compared to true love? Bah. He couldn’t even listen to his own thoughts anymore. He was turning into a blasted bad poet. Bloody hell. He’d thought he’d found the one woman he could finally love, and instead, he’d found the second woman who could mortally wound him. And that sort of loss of control he could not allow. He curled his hand around the bottle of gin and squeezed.
Sloshing the contents of the bottle into his glass, he tossed back a second drink and then a third. It all began to make a bit more sense. Very well. He’d lost his head for a time. But just like anything else, reason and logic could easily overcome it. And that’s exactly what he intended to do. Reason through it. And reason told him that not only was he to stop loving Kate immediately, he would never open himself up to that sort of pain again. His drunken brain finally allowed him to admit the truth. It began and ended with his mother. Deep down, he’d always known that. He’d lived his entire life with the pain of losing the only woman he ever loved. And now he’d lost the second one. It was over. Kate couldn’t hurt him any more than she already had. He’d already lost her.
And now he would steel his heart against the smallest bit of weakness, the tiniest inclination to fall in love again. Done. Over with. Finished.
And he’d ensure all of it. Tomorrow.
Tonight? Tonight, he was going to drink.
The door to the tavern opened. The patrons’ heads swiveled to stare at the two fine gentlemen who’d just
