Because that was exactly what I was feeling like.
As I walked out and stood before the throngs of Marines, from all different companies, I thought it would be best to fill my head with mindless chatter. It was all I could do to make time pass by as we stood, awaiting the Company Commander and the Commanding Officer. My eyes drifted in and out of the endless rows of Charlie clad bodies standing at attention, and all of their eyes focused on where I stood. I kept telling myself not to look for Cassie, but I did it anyway, picking her out almost immediately. As soon as our eyes locked, my throat began to close up from the sneer that she gave me. Voices echoed in my head, and I realized that the ceremony had begun.
'Good morning, Marines,' Colonel Davis called out.
'Good morning, Sir,' the crowd replied in perfect unison.
I watched Cassie. Her mouth moved so smoothly, and all I could imagine were my lips on hers, her lips on my cock, running them up and down in that soft and delicate fashion that only she knew how to do.
'This morning, we are here to recognize one of the finest Marines working for the battalion. Not only has Sgt. Alejandro Cruz been selected for Staff Sergeant, but he has also been names NCO of the Quarter. We couldn’t have picked a more deserving individual.'
He turned away from the crowd, now facing me.
'Sgt. Cruz, on behalf of the battalion, I want to thank you for your selfless service and dedication to training these young Marines to the best of your ability. You are a shining example of what a Marine Corps NCO should be, and we are thankful and grateful to have you.'
'Oorah!' someone yelled from the crowd, the universal, motivational congratulatory call. A few more followed before Colonel Davis signaled Major Kinsley to step forth, silencing them all.
'I want every Marine, veteran and new, to take a look at this fine Sergeant standing before you. As Marines, we pride ourselves on integrity, great moral character, as well as performing the duties of our job. Sergeant Cruz, you have shown your high dedication to training our future Communications Marines while guiding them on the ins and out, rights and wrongs of the Marine Corps. Your impending promotion is highly deserving. Thank you for your service, and congratulations on all of your accomplishments.'
The Major's and Colonel's words gutted me, leaving me hanging from a very sharp hook. How they could stand there and say the things they said without knowing the real and true me was devastating. Not only was I nothing like their perceptions, but I had willingly strayed and become anything but a model Marine, less known a fucking NCO of the Quarter. Bile rose in my throat, heat flashed through me, and my legs had begun to tingle. Passing out was surely coming, and mixed with the previous night's twelve pack, this morning's Red Bull, and the two mugs of coffee, I only hoped it would remove me from my misery.
What should have been a very momentous occasion had turned into a fucking nightmare. My conscience wasn't sitting well with the idea of all of these Marines looking at me as something that I was not. I couldn’t have fallen further from the tree, and the guilt accompanied with the words, the looks of admiration, and the pride from my higher ups were pushing me further and further towards the ledge.
Major Kinsley signaled for me to step over to where he and Colonel Davis stood. Colonel Davis handed me a plaque. The feel of it in my hands was like holding molten lava, scorching me, begging me to drop it where I stood. I had to pull my shit together and stand there, pretending to be proud of what everyone thought I was.
I stood between the two, smiling as the photographer from the base newspaper snapped our picture. I looked fucked up, and I felt much of the same. I didn’t deserve shit, but I couldn't tell them that. Not without openly tarnishing my reputation. Deep inside, the guilt was destroying me much more than anything they could ever do to me anyway.
After the ceremony, the Marines mingled with one another before heading into classrooms for the day. I caught sight of Cassie hanging out with Dalton and the two other kids from the bowling alley. She looked back at me from time to time, her eyes slicing through me, making me feel even less. As much as I wanted to be rid of her, I still wanted her, and it was that conflict of emotions that seemed to be eating me alive.
'…so you down tonight or what, NCO of the Quarter?' Jensen's voice brought me back.
I looked around the circle, my eyes landing on Riley who looked like his cat had just died. Jensen and Newsome stared at me questioningly but didn’t say anything.
'What’s that? I must have spaced out.'
'The Tavern tonight. We're taking you out to celebrate.'
'Oh. Naw, I'm good.'
'Fuck that,' Jensen said. 'I don't know what the fucks going on with you, but you've been a fucking recluse all this week. It's time to get your ass out and about. And this is the perfect excuse to do it.'
I shook my head, much too emotionally drained and physically exhausted to argue.
'Whatever, man.' I rubbed my hand over my face, shutting my eyes, wishing all of this shit would just go away.
'Good. Tonight at seven. Everyone's going.'
Before Jensen could say anything further I walked off, passing Cassie and her crew while my insides twisted, sending me into silent agony.
When I walked into the schoolhouse building, the front photo board already held my picture under the NCO of the Quarter slot, next to all of the unit higher ups. The guilt was thick, acting as the anchor that held me under water with no way of getting any air. I needed this day to end so I could get away and drink myself into a drunken stupor.
The rest of the day dragged, prolonging the torment within me. Even during test time, while the students were hard at work, my mind drifted to Cassie. The last test she'd scored well below expectation, and I couldn’t help but hope that she had regained her footing and done well on this one.
Guilt hit me from all angles—unrelenting and powerful, sucker punches to the gut, over and over again. I knew then that my relief would be found at the bottom of an empty tequila bottle, so as soon as the students were released for the day, I hurried my ass out of there, went home, and downed the last of my Cuervo before passing out.
When I woke up, Riley was standing over me, looking worried as all hell.
'Hey, man,' he said, his voice low and timid.
I looked at him, trying hard to focus but failing miserably.
'We're about ready to go. I don’t know though, maybe you should stay home.'
'No. I need to go. I’ll be ready in like ten.'
He sighed. 'Look. I know what this--'
'Riley, I'll be ready,' I sternly countered. I didn’t need him filling me in on the obvious.
In ten minutes, just as I had said, I was ready and walking out the door. The little bit of sleep that I’d caught helped and all I could think about was getting the leftover thoughts of Cassie out of my head. For the first time since these plans had been made, I finally found some enjoyment in the night.
Riley drove all of us in my truck since it was biggest and comfortably sat all of us. He volunteered to be the DD, leaving me with no limitations on just how piss poor drunk I could get drowning out the residual thoughts of my very own kryptonite.
The Tavern was packed. Next to Coyotes, it was our second favorite hang-out spot. It was a little larger than Coyotes but was lacking the vibrant feel. It didn’t really matter to me because I planned to be carried out by the time we left. Eliminating Cassie from my thoughts was my goal, and if it took five drinks or fifteen, I was going to make that happen.
Smith ordered the first round, holding up his shot glass and belting out, 'To Alex, NCO of the motherfucking quarter.'
'Oorah,' Jensen and Newsome hollered, before throwing back their shots and slamming the glasses down on the table.
I threw mine back and quickly called for another, throwing that back before Castillo and Collins walked up with two more.
'Well, hell. We're late to the party,' Castillo said, grinning at me and handing over another.
'Well deserved, Alex,' Collins said, smiling as well.
