could not know anything—not yet. He did not even know that he could not know. Instinct was all he had. He was at the mercy of instinct because he knew nothing.
Instinct, nevertheless, guided him to a final awareness that he was too big for whatever it was that contained him. He felt uncomfortable, and this discomfort impelled him suddenly to rebel. Whatever he was in was too small for him and he wanted instinctively to be free of it. His instinct manifested itself in an increasing impatience. He flung out his arms and legs with such violence that one day the walls broke, and the waters rushed away, deserting him, leaving him helpless. At this moment, or thereabouts, for he still could not understand, since he did not know, he felt forces impelling him headfirst down an impassably narrow passage. He could never have made any progress except that he was wet and slimy. Inch by inch, contortions of some sort compelled him onward, downward, in darkness. Not that he knew anything about darkness, since he could know nothing. But he felt himself impelled by forces, pushing him onward. Or was he merely being rejected because he had grown too big? Impossible to know!
He continued his journey, forcing himself through the narrow passage, forcing its walls to widen. A new sort of fluid gushed out, carrying him on his way until suddenly, with such suddenness indeed that he seemed expelled, he emerged into infinite space. He was seized, although he did not know it, but he was seized by the head, though gently, lifted up to a great height—by what, he did not know since he could not—and then found himself dangling by his feet, his head down, all this happening so quickly that he did not know how to respond. Then at that instant, he felt on the soles of his feet something sharp, a new sensation. Suddenly he knew something. He knew pain. He flung out his arms. He did not know what to do with pain. He wanted to return to where he had always been in those safe, warm waters, but he did not know how to return. Yet he did not want to go on. He felt stifled, he felt helpless, he felt utterly alone, but he did not know what to do.
While he hesitated, fearful without knowing what fear was and only conscious by instinct that he was in danger without knowing what danger was, he felt again the sharp dart of pain on his feet. Something grasped him by the ankles, someone shocked him, he did not know what, he did not know who, but he now knew pain. Suddenly instinct came to his rescue. He could not return, neither could he stay as he was. Therefore he must go on. He must escape pain by going on. He did not know how, but he knew he must go on. He willed to go on, and with this will instinct led him on. He opened his mouth and made a noise, a cry of protest against pain, but this protest was positive. He felt his lungs suddenly clear of liquid he no longer needed and he drew in air. He did not know it was air, but he felt it take the place of water and it was not static. Something inside instinctively impelled and expelled it, and while this went on suddenly he was crying. He did not know he was crying, but he heard his own voice for the first time, though he did not know it was his voice or what a voice was, but by instinct he liked crying and hearing.
And now he was righted, his head lifted, and he was cradled in something warm and soft. He felt oil rubbed over his body, though he did not know oil, and then he was washed, though he could only accept whatever was happening, since he did not know what anything was, but there was not pain, and he was warm and comfortable, though very tired without knowing it, and his eyes closed and he went to sleep, without even knowing what sleep was. Instinct was still all he had, but as yet instinct was enough.
FROM SLEEP HE WAS AWAKENED. He did not know the difference, for knowing was not yet part of his being. He was no longer in his private sea, but he was warm and enfolded. He was aware, too, of movement, though not his own. Simply he was moving through air instead of liquid and he was breathing steadily, though not knowing he did. Instinct impelled him to breathe. Instinct impelled him too to move his legs and arms in the air as once he had done in the private sea. Then suddenly, as everything happened to him suddenly now, he felt himself laid down on a surface neither soft nor hard. He felt himself held close against another warmth, and his mouth put to yet another warmth. Still not knowing, instinct stirred. He opened his mouth, he felt some small, warm softness pushed gently into his mouth, a sweetish liquid touched his tongue, instinctive pleasure seized his whole body, and he felt a necessity entirely new and unexpected. He began to suck, he began to swallow and was wholly engrossed in this new instinct. This was something he had never experienced, this pleasure in his whole being. As strongly as he had felt pain, he now felt pleasure. This was his first knowing, pain and pleasure. He did not know what they were, but he knew the difference between them, and that he hated pain and that he loved pleasure. This knowing was something more than instinct, although instinct had its part. He knew instinctively the feeling of pleasure and he knew instinctively the feel of pain. When he felt pain, instinctively he opened his mouth and cried aloud and even with anger. He learned that when he did this, what caused him pain stopped and this became knowledge.
WHAT HE DID NOT KNOW was that after a time when he felt pleasure, his lips parted and his mouth widened. Sometimes a different sort of noise came from him; he drew in his breath with delight. At the sight of certain Creatures this could happen, especially if they made noises to him and touched his cheeks or chin. He learned that when he showed his pleasure first, they responded with such noises and touches. This also became knowledge. Whatever he could do or cause himself, by his own wish and effort, became knowledge and by instinct he used his knowledge. Thus instinct led him to the knowledge of persons. At first he was aware only of himself, his own pleasure, his own pain. Then he began to associate certain persons with his pleasure or his pain. First of all persons thus associated was his mother. He knew her first only instinctively and by pleasure. He fed at her breasts and this was his primary pleasure. Sucking, he gazed instinctively into her face until its features became part of the process of pleasure. Instinctively, as he learned to smile when he felt pleasure, he first smiled at her.
Then one day he was shocked, even frightened, to discover that this pleasurable, pleasure-giving other could also inflict pain. He had been feeling an instinctive need for closing his jaws on something, for they were sore and feverish. When he had suckled enough to satisfy his hunger this day, he instinctively closed his jaws upon what was in his mouth. To his surprise she uttered a cry not unlike his own when he felt pain and at the same moment he again felt pain. It was on his cheek, a part of himself of which he had not yet been conscious. Instantly, by instinct, he burst into loud weeping, and he felt on his face something wet, like water. They were his first tears, and they were the result of a new sort of pain. It was not from his cheek, which was still stinging, but from a wound inside him which he could not define. It spread through his breast, an inner hurt. He suddenly felt alone and lost. This soft warm Creature who tended him day and night, who suckled him at her breasts and upon whom he was utterly dependent, had inflicted pain upon him! He had trusted her wholly, and now he could not trust her because she had hurt him! He felt separated, a being attached nowhere, and therefore lost. True, as he continued heartbroken, weeping, she gathered him into her arms, she rocked him to and fro, but he could not stop weeping. She thrust her nipple into his open mouth, offering him food again, the warm, sweet food that he always eagerly accepted, but he turned his head away and refused it. He cried until he no longer felt the inner pain and then he fell asleep.
WHEN HE WOKE FROM SLEEP, he was in his crib, lying on his right side. He turned on his back and then on his left side. With a desire new to him, he felt impelled to his right side and, still impelled, to turn onto his stomach. Then because his face was pressed against the bed, he was impelled to lift his head. Everything looked new and different, as though he had never been here before. He seemed to be gazing from a height. Moreover, he could turn his head to one side and another. He was constantly being surprised like this. Now he heard a loud cry and felt himself swept up into the arms of the Creature, she who could inflict such pain that he had wept himself to sleep. But this was pleasure he was feeling, a new sort of pleasure, having nothing to do with food. If he had felt inner pain, he was now pervaded by inner pleasure. He belonged to her again. He felt himself enfolded and attached again. She was making sounds, he felt her lips on his cheeks, in his neck. She called and another Creature came and stared at him. He looked from one to the other, feeling attached to them both. This was instinct again. He did not know them nor why he felt a part of them. But it was pleasurable. He felt his mouth move, his lips waver by instinct, he made a new sound and he heard cries of joy and surprise from the two others.
AFTER THIS HE FELT HIMSELF CHANGING almost daily. What seemed impossible to do, he felt impelled to do. It became entirely natural when he was in his crib to roll over onto his stomach and lift his head. Then he pushed himself up and his world grew bigger. He could see outside the crib. In a few days, how many he did not
