Losing it

I pushed out the air I’d been holding in my lungs, and set about returning things to the fridge, and placing our plates in the sink.

“About the kiss.”

I could imagine Garrick’s reaction without seeing it, so I decided to go ahead and wash the dishes… by hand… even though I had a dishwasher.

“He likes me,” I continued. “He told me after the kiss, and we’ve been trying to act like nothing changed, but it was awful, and I just got tired of pretending things were normal.”

He appeared beside me, taking a plate, and drying it for me. He must have realized by now that it was easier for me to talk, when we weren’t looking at each other because he kept his eyes focused on the plate long after it was dry.

“So, what did you do?”

“I told him I didn’t think it was going to happen.”

“You weren’t even a little interested?” Garrick asked.

I didn’t think Garrick really wanted to hear this, but he was going to get what he asked for. I needed someone to vent to.

“I thought about it. Cade is sweet, and I like being with him, but he doesn’t really make me feel anything.”

He stopped staring the plate, and turned toward me, leaning his hip against the counter beside me.

“Do I make you feel anything?”

I glanced up at him just long enough to see if he was joking. He wasn’t. I looked away.

“That’s a stupid question.”

“Is it? You’re harder to read than you think you are.”

I dried my hands on a towel, and moved to the couch, pushing myself into a corner, and dragging a pillow into my lap.

“I’m serious,” Garrick continued. “Sometimes you react… like, well, how I want you to react. But then other times, like outside during callbacks, you push me away like you’re not affected by me the way I am by you.”

I squeezed the pillow tighter to my chest.

“I’m affected, Garrick. I’m just also confused… and worried. And I don’t understand why you aren’t.”

He took a seat on the opposite side of the couch, the entire middle cushion separating us.

“I think that’s all I do is worry,” he said

“And you still think this is smart?”

He shook his head, laughing. “Oh, it’s definitely not smart. I know that. But honestly, Bliss? I’m miserable here. It’s great to have a steady job, and I’m enjoying teaching, but I don’t have any friends left here. I go to work, and then I go back to my apartment. And I think about you because I can’t help it, and there’s nothing else to distract me. Especially when I know you are only one building away. The night we met… Bliss, I don’t normally do things like that. But I was second-guessing everything about coming here, and you were everything I needed. I don’t know how many times I’ve stopped myself from coming over here and knocking on your door. And yes, seeing you with Cade was definitely motivation, but more than that… I just like you, Bliss. As a teacher. As a person. As a guy.”

It was hard to keep my breathing steady, hard to keep the longing from showing on my face, hard to keep from reaching for him.

“So, what now?” I asked him.

“I have absolutely no idea.”

I had so many ideas. That was the problem.

“If we do this…” I started, and then stopped. His entire posture had changed, and I felt it echoed in my own. We were about to cross a line, and we both knew it. “If we do this, we have to be careful.” He nodded, his eyes fixed on me. “And I think we should take it slow. If we get caught up in this too fast, we’ll get sloppy.” And I needed more time to think about this, about sex with him, and whether it was something I wanted to do.

I wasn’t sure slow was something we could do, but it was the only way I could do this without freaking out. Who was I kidding? I was going to freak out regardless. The difference was whether it was a feel-like-I’m-going-to-be-sick-freak-out or a lock-myself-in-my-apartment-for-a-week-freak-out.

“Okay,” Garrick slid closer to me on the couch, halfway on to the middle cushion. “I can do careful… and slow.”

My skin was invaded with goose bumps when he reached a hand out to me. I let myself be afraid for a second, but then the need to touch him overpowered even my fear. I pushed the pillow out of my lap, and slid toward him. I put my hand in his, and he pulled it up to his mouth, holding it there against his lips. He closed his eyes, and the simple touch soaked into my body, soothing my anxiety.

Like a key into a lock, my body fell into his, fitting perfectly. With my head on his chest, and his arm around my shoulder, I took a deep breath and knew there was no going back.

Chapter Eighteen

The easiness of the night before evaporated by Friday morning. Cade wasn’t mad per say, but he wasn’t much of anything really. He didn’t talk to me in the greenroom or sit by me in class. When I joined a conversation, he left it. I was a habit, and he appeared to be quitting cold turkey.

Garrick’s gentle smile in Senior Prep helped. We’d commandeered the computers in the Design lab for the day to do post-grad research. Some were researching graduate schools, others scouring for internships. Kelsey was looking at airline tickets and hostels in random cities around the world.

I was looking at the search engine homepage.

Hands curled around the back of my chair, and Garrick’s body leaned in close to mine. The proximity was altogether distracting.

“What are you thinking, Bliss?”

I should have said, you. Naked. That would have shocked him. Not that I was actually thinking of him naked… well, now that I mentioned it I was… damn.

Like I said, distracting.

I shook my head, because I didn’t have an answer, not one I could say out loud. He stepped around me and leaned on the table, looking at me.

“Acting or Stage Management?” The gaze he fixed on me felt too personal in this room full of my classmates, even if none of them were looking, well, other than Kelsey. She watched pretty much any time Garrick talked to me, which reminded me that we had to be careful.

“I don’t know,” I muttered.

“Okay, well what about a city? You can start looking at apartments. That’s certainly something you’ve got to think about, especially if you’re going to New York.”

I stared at the search engine box. It was taunting me.

“I can’t afford New York,” I told him.

“That’s okay. Most people can’t. There are plenty of regional markets to consider. Philadelphia.” I jerked around to face him. Was he telling me to look at Philadelphia? Where he lived? Was he trying to tell me something or was I reading too far into this. His face was blank as he continued, “Dallas and Houston both have a fair amount of work. Chicago. Seattle. Boston. D.C. There’s plenty to choose from, actually.” I turned back toward my computer, my heart still beating a little too fast. I was definitely reading into this. It wasn’t like we were serious. We’d spent the evening cuddled on my couch. That didn’t mean we were together or that I was ready to move halfway across the country with him.

“Just explore. Look up something,” He said before leaving me to continue walking around the room.

I placed my fingers on the keys, but they felt like lead, too weighted to move. I stared at the key with the letter “P.” I could see Kelsey watching me out of the corner of my eye, and as curious as I was now about Philadelphia, I typed “Stage Management Internships” into the search engine.

Then I clicked from webpage to webpage, watching the clock in the corner of my screen, willing the