She tried to pull herself into a sitting position, willed her mind to catch up with her body’s movements, but felt nothing but blankness in her head. It was too much to process, like she had just woken up and dragged a nightmare with her into the day. But she felt the heat on her face, her skin, the dust in her eyes. The gravel of the pathway she was lying on painfully imprinted on her hands and arms, her face. And she knew, subconsciously, that it must be real.
She blinked again, trying to corral her mind into some kind of rational order, to remember what had happened, why she was there.
The cottage where they had all been staying. The …
She looked at the blazing ruin before her and realised that that was the cottage.
‘Oh God … ’
She dragged herself slowly to her feet, ignoring the painful gravel rash, the grazed skin, her head spinning. Adrenalin began to pump round her system. She felt her heart speeding up, tripping along faster than her chest could contain it. She stood on unsteady legs, swaying, looking at the burning cottage before her. Slowly, as though her legs were made from concrete, she made her way towards it, crunching on gravel and shingle, breathing heavily through her mouth, her mind racing to catch up with her body.
A few days away before returning to work. That was all it had been. After the wedding and the honeymoon. Just herself, Phil and his parents.
And their three-year-old daughter.
‘No … oh no, oh fuck, no … ’
She looked again at the burning ruin before her, walked quicker.
Spending Easter in Suffolk. Aldeburgh, on the coast. Snape Maltings music festival nearby, a large stretch of beach, pubs and restaurants. A way of saying thank you to Don and Eileen for looking after Josephina.
And now this.
Marina was almost running in her haste to get there. She looked at the cottage, tried to make out shapes, called for her family.
‘Phil … Phil … oh God … Eileen, Don … ’
Nothing. Her only reply the sound of the flames, intensifying as she got nearer.
Her heart was ready to break through her ribcage.
There was a blazing car in front of the cottage. Marina didn’t recognise it. Not theirs. Not Don and Eileen’s. She dismissed it from her mind, kept going, moving towards the cottage. She hadn’t realised how far away she had been.
Part of her mind was asking the question: why was she not in the cottage? Why wasn’t she with the rest of them? Another part of her mind dismissed it. More important things to do. More important questions to answer.
She heard voices behind her, becoming louder. She ignored them. Heard footsteps running towards her. Ignored them too. Staying focused on the cottage. Moving towards it. Her world narrowed down to that burning ruin. To saving her family.
She had almost reached the car when she was grabbed from behind.
‘Get away from there! You mental?’
She shook the hands off her, kept going. They grabbed her again.
‘It’s not safe, you’ll be killed. Come on … ’
The hands pulled her back, stopped her from moving forward, separating her from her family.
She tried to shake them off again, but they gripped harder.
‘Please, stay back … see sense … ’
Desperation and adrenalin gave her strength. She turned, saw a man about her own age, concern and fear in his eyes, his hands grappling with her shoulders. She shook him off, broke free from his grasp.
As she reached the car, she felt the heat on her face and body. It was so bright it forced her eyes to close, so powerful it knocked her back like a physical presence. She squinted through the flames. Tried to make out anyone else. Reality rippled through the heat haze.
She heard the man’s voice behind her once more.
‘Get back! The car’s going to … ’
She felt hands on her body, the sensation of being pushed roughly to the ground. Then a sudden burst of searing heat, like she was being devoured by a miniature sun, accompanied by a sound so loud it must have shattered her eardrums.
Then nothing.
Just blackness.
4
They had given him his own curtains. That was something. Curtains and a window. But not a view. That was asking too much.
That didn’t stop him staring out of it, though. Staring and thinking. Some days that was all he did, because he had nothing else to do. Just stare and think. There wasn’t much to look at. Sometimes he counted the pigeons. Tried to identify them by their markings. Individualise them. Anthropomorphise them even, give them names, assign character traits. That was when he knew he had been staring too long. He would be dressing them up in little waistcoats next. So instead he would sit on the bed, turn his attention inwards rather than outwards.
He would think about things he had read in books, the pencilled notes he had made in the margins. The books now sat permanently on his shelf. He didn’t take them down much any more. He had looked at them so often, he had memorised the bits he liked. The important bits.
One of the main things he thought about was time. It occupied his mind a lot, and he had read plenty of books on it, with all sorts of theories. How it wasn’t a straight line. How it twisted, stretched. How sometimes it seemed short but was actually long. How it would loop in on itself. How it could fool you into thinking it was one thing when it was really another.
He applied the things he had read to his own life, his own situation. The way it seemed short but was actually long. Although most days it was the opposite, seeming long but actually short. No, not most days: all days. And nights. The nights were worse than the days.
Because he kept having the same dream, over and over, night after night. For years, since he had first arrived. He would dream his own death. And it was always a slow death. Cancer, MS, Aids, something like that. Something he couldn’t stop, couldn’t cure. Parts of him would be taken away, bit by bit. His body would become a cage, with him trapped inside. Sometimes it took everything away and left only his voice. A small, weak voice screaming silently within. Ignored. Unheard.
When he woke up, the dream would still be with him, clinging, convincing him he was dead. He would have to force himself to believe he was alive. Then he would lie in the dark, hearing the groans and cries from beyond his door, and think about being dead. His body rotted, his mind dissipated. No longer existing. No thoughts, no life, no memories. Just nothing.
And then he would feel more alone than he had ever believed a human being could feel.
Eventually morning would come and another day would start: the same as the last one, the same as the next. Dragging a greater piece of the dream with him every time he woke, barely existing until he existed no more, until he eventually became nothing.
Now he was just a collection of memories. And memories, he knew, were as reliable as time. If you told someone a table was a chair and you told them long enough and loud enough, they would eventually believe you. And that was what had happened to his memories. They had told him what he had done. What had caused it. What had happened as a result. And even though he hadn’t believed them and had fought against them, pitted his own memories against theirs, theirs had been stronger and theirs had won. It had taken years, but eventually he had accepted what they said as truth. That their memories were his. That he had done what they said he had done.
It had been easier once he had let them implant their events into his mind. They had started to be nicer to
