“My heart is breaking! That’s what’s happening! How do you think this feels? I’m so confused right now, and you’re the only thing I have left, and you don’t love me enough to let me breathe.”
I started crying, and he finally calmed down.
“I’m sorry, Mer,” he whispered. “It’s just, I keep thinking I’ve lost you for some reason or another, and it’s my instinct to fight for you. It’s all I know to do.”
I looked at the floor, trying to pull myself together.
“I can wait,” he promised. “When you’re ready, write me. I do love you enough to let you breathe. After last night, that’s all I need you to do. Please breathe.”
I walked into him, letting him hold me, but it felt different. I’d thought I would always have Aspen in my life, and for the first time I wondered if that was completely true.
“Thank you,” I whispered. “Stay safe here. Don’t be a hero, Aspen. Take care of yourself.”
He stepped away, giving me a nod but no words. He kissed my forehead and made his way to the door.
I stood there for a long time, not sure what to do with myself, waiting for my maids to come and pull me together one last time.
CHAPTER 31
I TUGGED AT MY DRESS. “Isn’t this a bit grand for the occasion?”
“Not at all!” Mary insisted.
It was late afternoon, but they’d put me in an evening gown. It was purple, and very regal. The sleeves went to my elbows, as it was colder back in Carolina; and a sweeping hooded cape was draped over my arm for when I landed. A high collar would protect my neck from any wind that might come, and they’d pulled up my hair so elegantly, I was positive this was the prettiest I’d ever looked at the palace. I wished that I could go see Queen Amberly, sure that even she would be impressed.
“I don’t want to linger,” I insisted. “It’s hard enough to go as it is. I just want you all to know that I’m so grateful for everything you’ve done for me. Not only for keeping me clean and dressed, but for spending time with me and caring about me. I’ll never forget you.”
“And we’ll always remember you, miss,” Anne promised.
I nodded and started fanning my face. “Okay, okay, I’ve had enough tears for one day. If you could tell the driver I’ll be right down, I’m going to take a moment.”
“Of course, miss.”
“Is it still improper for us to hug?” Mary asked, looking at me and then Anne.
“Who cares?” she said, and they crowded around me one last time.
“Take care of yourselves.”
“You, too, miss,” Mary said.
“You were always a lady,” Anne added.
They stepped away, but Lucy held on. “Thank you,” she breathed, and I could tell she was crying. “I’ll miss you.”
“Me, too.”
She let me go, and they walked to the door, standing together in a group. They gave me one last curtsy, and I waved as they left me alone.
So many times in the last few weeks I had wished I could leave. Now that it was here, seconds away, I was dreading it. I walked onto the balcony. I looked down at the gardens, gazing at the bench, the spot where Maxon and I had met. I didn’t know why, but I suspected he’d be there.
He wasn’t though. He had more important things to do than to sit around thinking about me. I touched the bracelet on my wrist. He
I backed away, closing the door and heading to the hallway. I moved slowly, taking in the beauty of the palace one last time, even though it was slightly marred by broken mirrors and chipped frames.
I remembered walking down this grand stairwell the first day, feeling confused and grateful at the same time. There were so many girls then.
When I reached the front doors, I paused for a moment. I’d gotten so used to being behind those massive blocks of wood that it almost felt wrong to go through them.
I took a deep breath and reached for the handle.
“America?”
I turned. Maxon was standing at the other end of the corridor.
“Hey,” I said lamely. I hadn’t thought I’d get to see him again.
He walked over to me quickly. “You look absolutely breathtaking.”
“Thank you.” I touched the fabric of my last dress.
There was a breath of silence as we stood there, watching each other. Maybe that’s all this was: a last chance to see.
Suddenly he cleared his throat, remembering his purpose. “I’ve spoken with my father.”
“Oh?”
“Yes. He was quite happy that I wasn’t killed last night. As you might have guessed, carrying on the royal line is very important to him. I explained to him that I nearly died because of his temper and attributed my finding a hiding place to you.”
“But I didn’t—”
“I know. But he needn’t.”
I smiled.
“I then told him that I set you straight on some behavioral things. Again, he needn’t know that’s untrue; but you could act like it happened, if you wanted.”
I didn’t know why I would need to act like anything happened when I would be on the other side of the country, but I nodded.
“Considering that I owe my life to you as far as he knows, he agreed that my desire to keep you here might be somewhat justified, so long as you were on your best behavior and could learn your place.”
I stared at him, not completely sure I was hearing this right.
“Really, the fair thing to do is let Natalie go. She’s not cut out for this; and with her family grieving right now, her home is the best place for her. We’ve already spoken.”
I was still dumbstruck.
“Shall I explain?”
“Please.”
Maxon reached for my hand. “You would stay here as a member of the Selection and still be a part of the competition, but things will be different. My father will probably be harsh toward you and do whatever he can to make you fail. I think there are some ways to fight that, but it will take time.
You know how ruthless he is. You have to prepare yourself.”
I nodded. “I think I can do that.”
“There’s more.” Maxon looked to the carpet, trying to align his thoughts. “America, there’s no question that you’ve had my heart from the beginning. By now you have to know that.”
When he brought his eyes up to mine, I could see it in every part of him and feel it in every piece of me. “I do.”
“But what you do not have right now is my trust.”
I was stricken. “What?”
“I’ve shown you so many of my secrets, defended you in every way I can. But when you aren’t pleased with me, you act rashly. You shut me out, blame me, or, most impressively, try to change the entire country.”
Ouch. That was pretty rough.
“I need to know that I can depend on you. I need to know that you can keep my secrets, trust my judgment,
