Shards of Us

but it's all for one reason: me. He's just a man in love, I realize. He's just lost in translation. He needs guidance, needs healing, needs me as much as I need him.

We lie there for a while, breathing heavily, looking at the TV and recounting everything that just happened, thinking about how close we were to death, but how, even now, we still have each other. We're still just pieces of what we once were, but I can feel the pieces of my heart coming together, and they're here for one thing and one thing only: him.

I love Sebastian.

I love everything about him.

Even though I shouldn't.

Even though I know it's wrong.

I love him.

I love that I'm his prisoner.

I love everything about our setup.

After a while, Sebastian sits up and brings me a small dinner, saving only a small portion of it for himself. 'Eat up,' he says quietly, offering me the plate. I take it with a thank you.

Sebastian looks beautiful in the candlelight, his face so mysterious and masculine, tortured and vulnerable. I find myself entranced with his lips, with the way they move as he speaks, so much that I just want to reach out and kiss him. I barely keep myself from doing so.

I turn back to the TV as I eat, letting myself sink back into the world of pointless reality shows and crime dramas, feeling normal for the first time in a while. The food and wine tastes so good after everything that happened today, and I find myself feeling happy again for the first time since the night Ash died. Feeling… less scared. Feeling like this all will work out, as long as Sebastian is with me.

'Are you okay, angel?' Sebastian says quietly, turning to me. His blue eyes are like jewels in the dim light.

I frown. 'What do you mean?'

He sighs. He reaches out a hand and starts stroking my dark hair, smiling a little to himself, one of those secret smiles I wish I could be a part of. 'I mean, you,' he breathes, his words tickling at my ear. 'How are you?'

'Oh.' I look down at my feet. 'I'm… okay, I guess.'

Sebastian keeps running his fingers through my hair. It's so relaxing, making me want to close my eyes and let everything but this moment, this feel of him stroking me, melt away. 'And you still don't hate me?' he asks hopefully.

'No.' My voice is quiet, mixing with the sounds of the crickets outside. 'No, I guess I don't.'

Sebastian forces a smile. 'I'm glad. You know I'd never hurt you, right? I just want to be here for you. I've been hurt so many times before. I've left everyone I cared about in my life. I don't want to leave you too, or for you to leave me. You're my one constant. You're the one person I need.'

'I need you too, Sebastian,' I whisper, sipping my glass of wine and lacing my arms around his body. 'And I know. I know you… mean well.'

'I do, angel,' he coos into my ear, nipping lightly at my earlobe with his teeth, and suddenly I'm back at the hotel room, loving the feel of him on me. 'I do care about you.' He continues to kiss me, this time on the neck, and I lean my head back, taking it all in--the heat from his lips, the tingles he gives me.

I let him kiss me for a while before asking, 'Where are we?' I motion at the house around of us. 'Is this… is this where you live?'

Sebastian sighs, pulls back. 'Sort of,' he admits, but his voice doesn't sound convincing. It's more distant than anything, like he himself is lost in another world. In another time, another place. Maybe back to when we were in hotel room 364, when nothing mattered but each other.

'And where do we sleep?'

'We sleep downstairs.' Sebastian says quietly.

'Why not up there?' I ask through a bite of pasta, pointing to the staircase leading to a floor above us.

'Just trust me, angel. And please don't go upstairs,' he says. 'Okay?'

'Okay.'

We don't say anything for a while after that. I go back to eating and watching TV, relaxing as Sebastian's arm slips around my own, warming me at the touch. It feels good to be with him again. It feels good not to worry. And while we weren't out of the woods yet, something about this house is so familiar and safe and homely, that with Sebastian beside me, everything feels complete. Everything feels okay, if only for a little while.

'Will you tell me about the man who was… torturing you?' I ask after a minute, locking eyes with him. 'What did he want?' My voice is quiet and soft and I regret asking it as soon as the words leave my mouth, but I know I have to. I have to know.

'Nothing,' Sebastian says, making it clear he doesn't want to talk about it.

I shift closer to him, not giving in quite yet. 'He said something about a 'they'? People who were hiding? Who is that?' I ask gently.

'Yes,' Sebastian says, closing his eyes. ''They.' He means the people I never killed. The ones who I let go into hiding.'

I shift up against Sebastian, resting my head on his warm and broad shoulder. 'Why did they go into hiding?' I keep looking out at the TV. He starts caressing my hair again, his fingers so gentle and smooth.

'Because Marco found out I didn't kill them all too quickly,' he whispers, and his voice sounds like a distant melody. 'After only a few weeks, actually. And they knew they had to go into hiding because he would stop at nothing until they were dead. And I… helped them.'

'Oh.' I keep my gaze trained on my feet. 'So this whole thing is about finding them? Why does Marco care about them so much?'

Sebastian sighs. 'Angel, I'd rather not talk about this. Okay?'

I hesitate, then nod. 'Okay,' I say. 'That seems fair.'

We're silent after that as I finish my dinner. The whole time I find myself listening to the sound of his forks clinking on his plate, feeling the quiet lull of the place take me away. I focus on the TV for a while. I'm not really paying attention to the show, just the voices in it, the sounds of their normalness as they carry me away. I eat until my dinner is totally gone, drink all of the wine, and then I relax, taking in several deep breaths, feeling relieved and okay. My muscles still ache from before, but everything else feels in place, feels right for once in my life.

Finally, after maybe an hour, Sebastian stands up. He peels off his blood-soaked shirt right in front of me, and I watch him despite myself, fascinated with the look of his bare muscle in the candlelight, wanting nothing more than to run my hands along his skin. He grabs a warm cloth and dabs it against a cut on his stomach, wincing a little.

I stand up despite myself, drifting toward him. 'Allow me,' I whisper. He hesitates, but lets me take the cloth from him. There is nothing but the sound of crickets outside and each of our heavy breaths, mingling together, as I dab the warm cloth against his stomach, feeling his muscle beneath it.

Sebastian isn't looking at me as I work. He just keeps staring off into the distance, as if he's seeing into a world I can't make out. I listen to the gentle sloshing of warm water as I refill the cloth, then press it back against his body, rubbing it gently around the wound.

'Do you love me?' Sebastian asks after a while, his eyes still trained on the door.

I hesitate as I dab the cloth against his wound. He doesn't even wince. Not once. 'Does it really matter?'

'Yes,' he says. 'Everything matters when it comes to you, angel.'

'Oh.' I blush despite myself. Sebastian's gaze drift down to mine at that, and I feel the intensity in his stare as I consider his question. Do I love him? Do I really? I already know the answer, of course. I already know it's the reason I've stuck by him all this time, the reason he makes me feel the way he does. 'Then yes,' I say, meeting his gaze. My words are slow and quiet, but they sound so right as they roll off my tongue. 'Yes, I love you.'

A smile spreads across his face. Not a cocky smile this time, though. Not a forced one, either. Just a genuine, warm smile. 'I love you too. But you already knew that.'

'Yes,' I say, pressing up against his warm body. I smile despite myself, because just Sebastian smiling makes me smile. 'I did.'