Shards of Us

the way men do: of cologne and alcohol, and it's nice on him. Fresh.

'What?' I ask, opening and closing my eyes as I fully awake.

His lips meet my forehead again. Slow and gentle, like he's kissing glass about to shatter. 'Did last night upset you?' he repeats. His words are slow and quiet, like honey.

'Oh,' I say. I'd already forgotten about last night. But am I upset? I don't even know. Sebastian has this way of making everything else go away, making everything better purely by touching me. It's dangerous, really, but I guess what we have is dangerous. That's the point. Our relationship should be toxic, but it's just… not. It's amazing. Beautiful. Nonsensical.

Perfect.

'I hope you know that I would never want to upset you, angel. Never,' he whispers into my ear. 'You don't know anything about me, sure, but that doesn't mean I'm here to hurt you. I'm not. Hurting you hurts me, don't you see? I can't do certain things for reasons I can't really say, but that doesn't mean… that this is wrong. What we have here is not a bad thing.' His eyes are intense, passionate, as he drags his lips across my forehead, curing the ache in my body. 'Nothing is bad when it comes to you.'

Sebastian's voice is so raw and strong it takes me off guard. I sit up and lock eyes with him, see the fire in pupils. He cares about me, I realize then. Really cares about me. And no matter how fucked up our little setup is, I guess maybe, in a strange way, I care about him too.

The heater hums below us, creaking every once in a while as hot air is released. The sheets and covers are thrown off the bed, and it's just me and Sebastian lying next to each other, wearing nothing at all.

'Do you love me?' I say after a minute. The words come out of my mouth before I have time to stop them.

He seems a little surprised at the question, or at least as surprised as someone like Sebastian can be. 'Why do you want to know?' he says. I don't meet his gaze, but I can tell he's looking down at me, still kissing my forehead slowly and softly.

'Just answer the question, Sebastian.' Tears sting at my eyes once the realization strikes again: that there is no one left in this world that stills loves me. That I have no one, not even family, not even friends. I just have Sebastian. And as stupid as it sounds, I just… I want him to love me. I want something real in my life. Whether I know anything about him or not, I need someone who will care about me, who does care about me.

Finally, Sebastian sighs. 'I've been through a lot. I'm not sure I know what love is anymore. I've done some things in my life. Bad things. The kind of things that change people, hurt people, and love was never there to rescue when I needed it most. So I don't really know how to love anymore, I guess. I just know how to survive.'

There's a long pause. 'But you care about me,' I say slowly, relaxing at the feel of his body beneath mine. 'Don't you?'

'Angel,' he whispers, his voice as soft as the faint wind outside. He kisses the top of my head, then my nose, and then his lips find their way to mine. I breathe in slowly as he kisses me, as he expertly dances his tongue along my mouth. 'I care about you more than anything else in the world,' he whispers in between his kisses. 'You are all I have left. All I need. I'm not sure if I can ever love again, but we don't need love, do we? We care so much about each other, are connected so deeply… isn't that what matters? Us?'

His lips are hot on mine, burning into me, and I let him kiss me, let his taste and his skin become one with mine. Sebastian feels good, so good, and I know from the bottom of my heart, whether or not it's love I feel for him, that I can't ever let him go.

That I can't ever lose the one person I have left.

'Yes,' I whisper after a while. My voice is rigid, not as soft and smooth as Sebastian, but I don't even care as I kiss him back harder, faster. 'We are all that matters,' I say in between breaths.

A satisfied smile spreads across his lips, and he wraps his arms around me, drawing me into his chest. 'Come here, angel,' he whispers into my ear. 'Let me make you better.'

And so we stay there for the longest time, kissing slowly, then fiercely, and holding each other, just holding each other, until the rest of the world fades away.

* * *

'Maybe he's a virgin,' Ash calls after me the next day.

'Who?' I say. She lies on the leather couch in her tiny-as-mine apartment, eating potato chips and watching some pointless reality show while I grab some orange juice from the fridge.

She rolls her eyes. 'Sebastian. Your fuck buddy who doesn't fuck.'

I frown at her. Technically, Ash is my one friend, although we aren't really friends. I don't especially connect with her, and she doesn't connect with me, either. We work the same shift at Starbucks, and we just hang out because we both know I have nowhere else to be. 'What makes you think that?' I follow her into her living room and collapse beside her on the couch.

'For starters, the fact that he asks you to get totally naked but doesn't finish the job.'

'So?' I say. I don't understand. Then again, I don't really like anyone else talking about Sebastian-- my Sebastian--especially not negatively like this.

She sighs. 'So, how do you know he is safe? He could be, like, luring you in, only to murder you and leave you on the side of the road in a few weeks, and then you'll be all over the news. People do that shit, you know,' she says to me like she has any idea what she's talking about.

I take a sip of my orange juice. 'All right, fine. If you see me dead on the side of the road in a few weeks, you can consider yourself right.'

She smiles. 'I'm being serious, you bitch.'

Cool air slips in through the windows, making me shiver. Ash's living room is small and cramped, holding no more than a single couch, a tiny TV, and a chair shoved in the corner of the room. 'And so am I. But Sebastian wouldn't do that. He's not that kind of guy,' I say, not doubting my words for a second. I trust Sebastian. I really do. Smart or not, I know he was telling the truth when he said he'd never hurt me.

She sits up, watching me closely. 'Why do you think that? Do you even know anything about him?'

I look at my feet to hide the blush creeping into my cheeks. 'No.'

'So how can you even trust him? All you know is his first name, if Sebastian is even his real name, right?' Her nasal voice is filled with concern.

'And I know his parents are dead,' I say quietly. 'And so is everyone he cares about.'

'Ah yes, his alcoholic family story. Drinking themselves into the ground. Sounds kind of cliche, yes?' Ash shifts closer to me so that her side is touching mine, her eyes full of concern. 'Look, Crystal, I know you trust him, but--'

'But what?' I say, maybe too defensively. I know Sebastian isn't lying about having no one, like me. I don't know how, but I know. Sebastian is as broken as I am, pieces of what is left of the person he was. I don't know what happened to him exactly, and I don't care. I just care that he needs me, and I need him back, and the rest can go to hell.

Ash pushes her long blonde hair out of her eyes. 'But don't let yourself get too close,' she says quietly. 'Just in case.'

I sigh. 'Thanks for the concern, but I trust him. I really do.' I look away. 'He isn't going to hurt me,' I add in a voice that is so quiet it doesn't even feel like mine.

'That's good. All I'm saying is to be careful, okay? I'm your friend, Crystal, whether you like it or not. I don't want to see you get hurt. Or worse...' She trails off.

There's a long pause after that. We both just sit there, on the sofa, listening to the sound of the TV in front of us playing reality shows or whatever, but somehow it feels far-off. I can only think of Sebastian, his touch, the gruff tenderness in his voice as he calls me his angel. I think about what it would be like if we went all the way, if rule number one never existed and whatever is keeping him from fucking me could be gone, and he could be inside of me, really inside of me. It wouldn't be my first time having sex--I've had a lot of hookups in the last two years, but they've never succeeded in getting rid of the raw ache in the pit of my stomach. But Sebastian… Sebastian feels so right, that I can't even imagine him not making the ache go away, the everything but each other disappear.

I'm infatuated with a man I don't even know, and whether I like it or not, he's all I really have left in this