Let Love Heal

“Lucy …” Ray’s words catch in his throat, stuck behind the ball of emotion that’s been lodged there since he witnessed his best friend being crushed by tons of steel.

Lucy covers her mouth with her hands, but her gasp is still audible. “No, no, no, no …” It’s the only syllable her brain can manage. She’s shaking her head wildly as if it will keep away the horrific news that is so clearly etched across Ray’s tanned and youthful face.

Ray wraps his arm around her slumped shoulders and pulls Lucy into a tight squeeze. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. There was an accident and … it’s Jimmy. He’s gone, Lucy.”

With those words, her world changes instantly. No longer able to contain her anguish, her chest heaves in sobs as tears pour from her eyes.

How? Why? What? All of these questions swarm her brain, but the bottom line is that none of it matters. Bits of Ray’s strained explanation filter into her consciousness, but she can’t make any sense of it. Something about a beam, about being in the wrong place at the wrong time, about wanting to come here to tell her himself, about not wanting her to have to drive to the coroner’s office alone, it’s all a garbled mess, because none of it is important. The only meaningful piece of information is that Jimmy, her Jimmy, the love of her life, is gone.

Visions that she will never be able to erase start filling her mind. In a vain attempt to escape them, Lucy shoots up from the couch and begins frantically pacing the room. But she’s too weak to stand for long. As pain, anguish and loss eat her alive, she crumples to the floor and wraps her arms around her round belly. Again, the only words she can form are, “No, no, no …”

Unable to let her suffer alone, Ray moves next to her on the floor and pulls her into his arms. Cooing softly to her, he tries to calm her. It’s a vain attempt at peace that will never come.

It’s always been Jimmy. He was her first friend, her first love, and now he’s her first true loss.

Calling on an inner strength that she doesn’t truly feel, Lucy tries to stand, but her body rejects the attempt. All she can do is let the sadness swallow her whole, and hope that when it spits her back out, she’ll be alive and whole enough to take care of Melanie.

1 Thursday, January 24, 2013 Present

A vast empire of evergreens flashes past my window. A light dusting of snow coats the road, leaving only two clearly defined, black tire tracks in the wake of the passing cars. The sunlight barely breaks through the hazy greyness of the clouds. There’s a dull, lifelessness pervading not only the scenery, but my mood as well, and I know it’s because so much has changed in my life in the last few months.

Chipper as ever, Mom’s voice breaks my silent sadness. “Hey, sweetie pie. Are you awake over there?” She playfully nudges my shoulder to try and rouse me from my feigned sleep. I’ve been turned away from her, staring blankly out of the window for most of the short trip back to Ithaca.

Twisting in my seat to face her, I respond, much more dully than her happy tone. “Yeah, I’m awake, just tired, I guess.” My flat voice and lame shoulder shrug mirror the oppressive feel of the grey sky hanging above us.

She doesn’t say anything more; she just offers up a half smile and then returns her attention to the road. Mom knows I’m in a funk. There’s no way she can’t know. It’s creepy sometimes how she’s so attuned to what I’m feeling or thinking. It’s like she’s in my brain or something. Kind of freaks me out a bit, but she’s my mom and it’s always been just us, so I guess it’s understandable.

My dad died before I was born – some freak accident. I try not to think of it and most days I succeed on that front. I won’t lie, though. The stress of being the only person of real importance in my mom’s life has taken its toll on me. I hide it well, or at least I think I do.

Seeking more distraction from an inevitable line of questioning from Mom, I fidget with the radio and leave it on some current top 40 hit. Mom taps away on the steering wheel while she sings, off-key, to the music playing through the speakers. I just let it drown out the thoughts racing through my mind. Turning away from her again, I return to my post at the window and watch the world pass me by.

Alone. Empty. Sad. That’s how I’m feeling. Knowing that Maddy’s not here and she’s not going to be coming back, makes my eyes burn with unshed tears. Maddy and I have been best friends since middle school; I met her a few years after her parents died. Hell, we even ended up living together for a few months in our senior year when her aunt passed away suddenly. For the last five years, Maddy and I were inseparable. We even had to beg the housing department to let us dorm together when we started college last semester.

Her world shifted when she met Reid and they both fell head over heels in love with each other. After she found out she was pregnant, yeah, that was a shocker for everyone, she decided to withdraw from Ithaca and go to a school closer to home. I can’t blame her for choosing to move in with Reid. She’s got her own life now – one of which I’m no longer a part. Even though I’m happy for her, my heart still hurts that she’s not going to be with me every day.

Cammie and Lia, my other two roommates, aren’t here either. They won’t be here until at least Saturday morning – great grandma’s birthday party or something like that. Honestly, with everything that’s been going on, I haven’t paid much attention to everyone else’s life. I mean, I couldn’t be happier that Maddy and Reid are back together and that things worked out for them, but I can’t help but focus, almost to the point of making myself sick, on what’s going to happen with me and Bryan.

Our relationship, or lack thereof for the last month, has been a huge source of distress and emptiness. I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that when he gets back to school, Bryan is going to break up with me. He’s seeing Courtney again; I know it. Well, okay, I don’t know it, but I have my suspicions. He barely called me over the entire winter break. Come to think of it, he hardly ever texted or emailed me either.

Except for that one text.

I mean, come on, Bryan is always on the computer. Being a computer science major should mean that you’re permanently attached to the thing, right? Or that you’re at least part robot or something like that. He couldn’t get in touch with me once? We talked, don’t get me wrong, but I was always the one who initiated it.

I was supposed to go visit him for New Year’s Eve, but when I told him about my plans, he said it wouldn’t be a good idea for me to come. Then I got the text. Bryan and Courtney lip-locked at some party. It was pretty clear at that point that he had moved on.

Thinking back over everything, I’m suddenly more pissed than sad. What kind of boyfriend pushes his girlfriend away to the point that she no longer feels wanted? And then to push me away just to have your biggest fears thrown in your face. I know it’s not an excuse for what I did, but I won’t deny that feeling hurt was definitely a huge reason behind the actions I took.

My brain is seriously scrambled over all of this. By telling me not to come visit him, was he breaking up with me? Or was he just trying to conceal his cheating? Then there’s the part of me that refuses to believe that he actually cheated. From the moment I met her, Courtney hated me and did everything in her power to keep me and Bryan apart.

But then again, maybe he thought we were broken up while we were apart? Before winter break, our relationship was perfect, really, until he started pulling away from me right before he left. Was he just trying to create some distance so he could let me down easier? Oh, who the hell knows? We hadn’t dropped the “L” bomb yet, but I know he had to feel it; I know I did. He is my first – my first boyfriend, my first love, my first, well, you know – my first, like ever. Now, I’m just so scared to lose him, but I’m more afraid of knowing that I’m going to hurt him. That much is unavoidable.

The inevitability of us being separated over break and his distance from me over said break was just too much for me to handle, I guess. I turned into that girl. You know the one who lets her insecurities get the best of her, yeah, that one. I was weak and foolish and talked myself into believing that Bryan, sweet, funny, amazingly perfect, Bryan, was cheating on me.

I let myself believe that he didn’t want me.

He’s openly admitted to hating Courtney. Told me time and time again that he was done with her, but I