As I step out of the shower, I wrap a fluffy purple towel around my body. Swiping my hand across the mirror, I catch a glimpse of my contorted face. I’ve never been able to say that I’m confident or that I truly love who I am, but staring at the guilt-ridden image reflected back to me, I’m utterly disgusted. And it’s not just about what I have to tell Bryan. It’s about who I’ve become over the past month. This self-loathing, indecisive, evasive version of me is hideous. Desperately in search of the girl I want to be, I take a deep breath to cleanse my lungs and hopefully my soul.
After getting dressed, I pull my hair into a loose knot. I sit in my desk chair, feeling undeserving of the comfort that my bed affords me, and pull out my cell phone once again. But, just as I’m about to dial Bryan, Peyton comes in. And oh boy, she is pissed.
Chucking her canvas bag into the corner, she yells, “That fucker!”
“What the hell, Peyton?” I screech as I dodge the book that she just tosses haphazardly across the room.
Collecting the book from the foot of my bed, she huffs and says, “Nothing. It’s not important. Just some asshole I met at the writing lab.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” I ask timidly because honestly, right now, she seems like she’s ready for murder or something.
“No, I most certainly do
I glance down at my phone in my hand and debate whether or not to chicken out on my call. Knowing that I can’t keep dealing with my guilt, I make a decision that I think will help benefit me greatly. I walk over to Peyton’s side of the room, you know, the one that’s seething in anger, and wrap my arm around her shoulders. Pulling her close to my side, I say, “Give me five minutes to make a call and then I’m all yours.”
I can feel her body relax against mine and I realize that in the last few weeks, I’ve probably been a shitty roommate and friend. She rests her head on my shoulder and sighs, letting go of the stress. “Thanks, Melanie. I could use some girl time.” I can hear the homesickness in her words as they reach my ears and feel the loneliness in her body as it slumps against mine.
“Well, then, that’s what you’ll get.” I say as I hold her at arm’s length. “Just give me a few minutes to let Bryan know what’s going on and I’ll be right out.”
“You’re awesome, you know that?” She winks at me from the door and for the first time since she stormed in the room and threw a book at me, she looks a little happier.
When the door clicks behind her, I don’t hesitate one minute in calling Bryan. I know that if I do, I’ll end up finding some reason to postpone the inevitable. Quickly dialing his number, I hold my breath and wait for him to pick up.
But he doesn’t.
So, I dial again. But, shockingly, he doesn’t pick up again.
Not-so-old feelings of inadequacy start to creep into my chest. Those feelings begin constricting my heart like the vines of a weed strangle a beautiful flower. I’m thrown back to just a few months ago. Calling him non- stop. Waiting for him to answer. Questioning myself when he doesn’t.
Resolve sets in and I decide to call him once more. If he doesn’t pick up, then I’ll just deal with him in the morning.
I dial and this time he answers. “Hey, Melanie. Sorry about that. I was on the phone with Emmie.” His voice is flustered and I feel like an ass for letting my insecurities get the best of me when all he has ever done is make me feel worthy.
Worthy of his time, because he’s always given it to me.
Worthy of his body, because he’s always worshipped mine.
Worthy of his kindness, because he’s never been anything but caring and sweet to me.
“It’s okay. Is everything alright?” I ask.
“No. Not really.” The naked reality of his words shocks me more than a little bit.
I slump back into my chair and let
I can hear the tenuous shaking of his breath as it escapes through his lips - lips I suddenly long to kiss and comfort. “It’s just that she’s having a really hard time dealing with things at home. Apparently, my dad is moving out this week and Emmie doesn’t understand it. I just spent the last hour trying to explain it to her, but it’s just too big for her to wrap her head around.”
“Oh, Bryan. I’m so sorry.” I hate that there’s pity in my words. I hate that I’m just going to cause him more pain.
I hear a hardened sigh fly out of his mouth as something crashes down in the background. “Fuck!” he yells, his emotions obviously getting the best of him.
“Calm down. It’ll be okay. I don’t know how, but it will be. You’re a good brother being there for Emmie. You know that, right?” My fingers itch to touch his face, to feel his stubble beneath them.
“I don’t feel like that right now. I feel so helpless. I just wish I could be there for her.” A throaty growl echoes down the line and my heart breaks for both him and Emmie.
“I’m getting another call, Melanie. Hold on one second, okay?”
“Sure.” The thirty seconds that he’s on the other line stretch out painstakingly. Yet in that short span of time, I decide that what I have to tell him can’t be said over the phone, especially after learning this. Breathing out a tortured breath, I wait for him to click back to me.
“Hey, I have to take the other call. It’s my mom. Rain check on tonight?” His anger has morphed into vulnerability and I just want to wrap my arms around him. He deserves so much more than what he’s being handed. Unfortunately, that includes me as well.
I hear him shuffle a few papers before he says, “I think we’re both off from the lab on Wednesday night. Can we get together then?”
Without even thinking about it, I blurt, “Yes. Of course. I’ll see you then. Bryan, I …” the words I want to say get stuck in my throat, so instead of telling him that I love him, I say, “I’m here for you. Call me if you need to.”
“I know. I will. I gotta go. Talk to you later, babe.” And then the line goes dead.
So does a piece of my heart.
10
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Present
The freezing rain cuts through the winter air. Even though I’m wearing rain boots and a rain jacket, I feel soaked to the bone. Chills race over my body and I feel like I will never warm up.
And that may very well be true.
It almost feels like tiny razor blades slicing at my freckled face. It’s a welcome pain, though. I’ll take the physical kind of pain over the emotional torture I’ve been putting myself through. I just wish I didn’t have to put Bryan through it too. No matter how many times I wrack my brain over it, there’s just no way around not telling him the truth. I even contemplated just breaking up with him – no explanation, no reason, no justification. But I know, that despite how much this confession is going to gut me, I owe Bryan this much. I owe him at least a reason.
After a short ten minute walk, I arrive at the on-campus senior apartment suites where Bryan lives. I bring my purple-with-cold hand up to his door and knock timidly. The vibrations from knocking course through my arm and a pins and needles sensation pulses across my skin. A sinking feeling crushes in my chest and a lump of emotion rises in my throat as I hear his footsteps get closer to the door.
The knob turns and I swear my heart stops beating. Nervousness engulfs me and makes my legs almost too weak to even hold my weight. Through the grey haze of the early evening, and the crackling sound of the rain
