Peyton starts banging on the door, I call out, “Okay. Okay. I’m coming.”
I grab my bag and head out the door telling Peyton that I’ll be back around noon. She’s driving me home today for spring break. Since Elmira is on her way, she offered to bring me home. I didn’t want my mom to have to deal with the inconvenience, so I took Peyton up on her generosity.
Maybe it wouldn’t have been such an inconvenience to Mom, anyway. Maybe
Maybe it is time to stop seeing myself as worthless. Maybe it is time to start seeing the value in myself.
My mini pep talk helps to lift my spirits a little, and as I settle into my desk for my mid-term, I catch a glimmer of hope dangling out in the horizon.
As I step out onto the quad after my exam, I breathe in the cool spring air and feel rejuvenated in a way. Walking back to the suite, I think over my mid-term and I feel okay about it. I don’t think I aced it, but I doubt that I failed it. Laughing at myself, I realize that how I feel about my test is rather appropriate for how I feel about my life too.
I’m sort of stuck in this hazy, grey, no-man’s-land. I’m not moving forward, not fixing anything. I simply exist. I haven’t bothered talking to Bryan since we broke up. There’d be no point. I even resigned from the computer lab right after we broke up. Being around him almost every day was just going to be utter torture for both of us, so to be fair to him, I left.
As I walk past a tree under which Bryan and I often had lunch together last fall, I see new leaves springing to life. This winter was harsh in more ways than one. The snow and cold were unbearable at times as was the emptiness that grew in my chest. As April rolls in, the weather is warming slightly. As the sun is shining a bit more often, I wonder if it’s time for me to change too.
Regardless of whether or not my future holds a chance with Bryan, like he said, I need to fix me for me. And if this newer and better version of Melanie has even a sliver of hope to get Bryan back, then that’ll just be the icing on the cake.
This transformation isn’t going to happen overnight; of that much I’m sure. Scary though it may be, it’s a change that I know will be for the better.
“What’s up with you?” Peyton chirps across the cabin of her small black sedan.
“Huh? What do you mean?” I twist toward her, genuinely confused by her question.
She huffs at me and leans her elbow on the door as she turns to face me as well. “You’ve been a real lump lately. And now today, you’re actually smiling. That’s after I dowsed you with water, too. So, what’s up with that?”
I shrug my shoulders and answer a non-committal, “I don’t know.”
I already told her about Bryan. There’s only so much crying you can do in front of someone else before they call you out on it and make you talk. She was pretty great about it too. Nothing was sugarcoated in “everything will be okay and he’ll take you back tomorrow” frosting. No, in true Peyton fashion, she told me that the whole situation sucked ass and that she hoped I could be happy again soon.
“Oh, cut the shit, come on. We’ve got an hour or so to kill on this car ride, so talk. What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?” She reaches across and pats my head with this big dopey grin on her face. I can’t help but laugh at her.
I roll my eyes and give in. It’ll be one hell of a long hour with her bugging me like this. “I was just thinking about something that Bryan said to me. He told me that I needed to learn how to love myself, that part of the reason he couldn’t be with me was because I didn’t have enough faith in who
As she changes the station on the radio, she doesn’t say anything, but she seems like she’s lost in thought. When she settles on some 80s rock station, she stares out of the front window and avoids my eyes.
“I think he’s right too,” she says softly. “I know we’re not super close or anything like that, but from what I see, I have to agree with Bryan. Hell, I’ve tried to get to know you better in the last few months, but you’re always on guard, always concerned about what I’m going to think about you or say to you.” Awkwardness stretches between us before she adds, “I think you’re pretty cool, Melanie, but what I think doesn’t matter. Your opinion of yourself is the most important one out there. And I can tell that you don’t regard yourself all that highly.” She faces me again and says, “Maybe if you stop worrying about the Melanie that you think everyone else sees, you’ll grow to love the Melanie who is already there.”
There it is again –
“You’re right, Peyton,” I sigh and inwardly yell at myself for wasting so much time hating who I am. “I’ve compared myself to other people for too long. But I’m not them; I’m me.” Staring back out the window, watching the world pass me by, I mutter, “Now, I just have to figure out who
Since it’s late Friday afternoon, I don’t expect anyone to be home. So when Peyton pulls into the packed driveway, I’m more than a little surprised.
“What and they didn’t roll out the red carpet?” Peyton laughs and pokes me in the arm. “That’s one hell of a welcome home party.”
“Yeah, I guess so.” I unplug my phone from the charger and grab my purse. “It’s just my mom and her best friend Linda and Maddy. I don’t know whose car that is.” I tip my chin at the black SUV parked next to my mom’s car. “Do you want to come in for a few minutes and meet everyone?” I want to make up for keeping her at a distance, but I also understand why she might not want to join me. I catch her eye the clock, and realize that if she comes in for a while, she’ll have to drive through the night.
“Nah, it’s okay. I should just drive straight through. I’ve got another five hours ahead of me.” Peyton reaches for the gearshift and I feel like a huge dork for not even thinking about that.
“So stay the night. Please? It’ll be fun.” I clasp my hands together in front of me practically begging her to give in.
I feel like a kid in a candy store when she moves her hand from the shifter and kills the engine. “Alright, fine. I’m in.” Peyton’s nonchalance is bypassed by the smile that pulls at her lips.
Before we can even get our bags out of the car, Maddy comes barreling down the front stairs and races right into me. “Mel! I missed you so much,” Maddy mumbles her words as she wraps her arms tightly around me. When I feel her growing baby-bump against my own belly, I pull away from her and hold her at arm’s length. “Wow, Maddy. You look …” Words fail me as happiness washes over me.
Misunderstanding my pause, Maddy swats her hand in front of her and says, “Huge, right! I can’t believe I’m only half way there. I’m only going to get bigger.” Her hands automatically move to cover her belly.
“No, you look beautiful.” I can’t hold back the single tear that trickles down my cheek. I step to her side and introduce Peyton. After sharing an awkward “hi”, we all walk inside where Maddy warns me that Mom, Linda - who I’ve missed almost as much as Mom, -and someone else who she knows I’ll be very excited to meet, are all waiting for me. It’s been a while since I’ve seen her, but that conspiratorial glint in her eye tells me that something is up.
Stepping through the door, an overwhelming sense of
“Oh, jeez. Sorry about that, Peyton.” I step to the side and pull Peyton into the room a little more. “Mom, Linda, this is my new roommate, Peyton. She’s going to stay the night and drive home in the morning.” Peyton waves meekly at them and squeaks out a hello. She really is a tough nut to crack – all outspoken and quirky one minute and then shy and quiet the next. Peyton quickly excuses herself to the bathroom and Mom pulls me into the kitchen.
