After I hand Mom her drink, I make my way over to the large armchair where Peyton is sitting and she moves to the side, making room for me to wiggle in. She squeezes my knee and we share a knowing smile. I feel like this week has done me good and I think she sees that change in me.
When the episode wraps up, Lia situates herself so that she can make eye contact with all of us. “So, I’ve got good news.” We all eye her cautiously. “Good news” with Lia can mean that she picked up a cute pair of shoes on sale.
When she doesn’t say anything right away, Cammie holds her hands out in front of her. “Care to share it with us?” she prompts.
“I found us all an apartment for the summer and for next year! Off-campus housing, here we come!” Lia pumps her fists into the air, but my eyes immediately go to my mom. Can I really spend the whole summer away from her?
Mom looks directly at me and mouths the words, “It’s okay,” before saying aloud to the group, “That’s fantastic, Lia. You girls will have so much fun! Where is it?”
“It’s right behind the school on Coddington Road, right across the street from that cute little Italian place,” Lia answers Mom’s question and I know exactly what house she’s talking about because the Italian place that she’s talking about is Bella’s.
All of us chat excitedly about the possibilities that this new beginning will bring. While we’re making our second round of drinks, Evan comes in with some groceries and immediately begins cooking a quick meal of chicken fajitas and rice.
Before I even realize it, it’s time to say goodnight to Mom and Evan. I really loved having them here and I silently vow to make a much more concerted effort to both visit home and have them here more often.
I giggle as I watch Evan help a slightly stumbling Mom into his SUV. Thinking back over this week and how much it has healed my heart, I’m sad to see her go, but so happy to know that she’s got Evan now. Burying the last few weeks behind me, I’m suddenly looking forward to next few weeks and the hope that dangles out on the horizon.
13
By some miracle, and with a lot of Peyton’s help, I manage to pull my grades out of the gutter and I finish my first year of college with a 3.4 average. Not my best work, but all things considered, I’m more than pleased with the results. I’ve actually surprised myself in recent weeks with the whole “you don’t have to be perfect all the time” routine. A lot has changed since spring break, in fact. The most important change has been that I’ve actually grown to like myself much more than I used to. I’ve learned to forgive myself over what happened with Bryan. I still haven’t worked up the nerve to talk to him, though. I walked past the lab the other day. I didn’t expect him to be there so as I peered into the large window-lined wall of the lab as I walked past, I nearly tripped over my own two feet when his sad brown eyes met mine.
I wanted to go to him and ask him a million questions. How are things with his parents? How is Emmie doing? Is he excited about graduating? What are his plans for the summer?
Does he miss me?
But instead of doing that, I offered up a tight smile and a small wave. He nodded in return and then promptly busied himself with something on his computer. Part of me couldn’t help but wonder if he was just touching random keys to avoid looking at me.
I miss him a lot. But it’s not in that silly, pining, teenage girl way. I miss him in a way that actually hurts my bones. I didn’t realize it back when we were together, but the way he made me feel about myself was more than just special. And, no, I’m not talking about the physical stuff. He helped me see the value in myself that I should have seen a long time ago. He loved me not because he had to, but because he wanted to. And, yeah, I hate myself for having ruined that love, but it served as an epiphany of sorts. I was loved despite the flaws I thought I had, and in the process of growing that love, I found out that what I saw as some of my worst flaws were actually some of my greatest assets. I just wish I could have one more chance; I wish I could get a do over with him – with us.
I’ve thought about telling him what I learned from Tyler, but I just haven’t been able to work up the courage. I’m not sure that it would make a difference anyway. I want to think it will change how he feels about me, like it will allow him to forgive me, but then his words about learning to love myself ring in my ears and I chicken out on talking to him again.
I’ve changed, but can I really say that I love everything about who I am?
Can anyone
Maybe the best you can hope for is learning how to appreciate who you are without paying much attention to who you aren’t.
Maybe that’s how I’ve changed the most. I’ve learned to love myself for who I am instead of hating myself for who I’m not.
And no, not all of my new-found self-appreciation has come from Bryan; that wouldn’t really be true self- appreciation anyway. I’ve done a lot of soul-searching and I learned to no longer define myself by my flaws. Everyone has flaws. I refuse to be defined by mere imperfections.
I think a large part of being able to forgive and love myself has come from talking to Mom too. I no longer feel like I’ve been a burden to her all these years. Seeing her with Evan has lightened my heart. In a way, it’s like I was holding back allowing myself to be happy until I knew she was happy.
I love that she’s moving on, and in a way, it’s given me permission to let go and move on as well. Well, move in actually. It’s our last week in the suite and I am more than excited to move into our new apartment.
Cammie, on the other hand, is not so happy. It’s her sad face that I see as I return to the suite from getting lunch with Peyton. She had to go work at the tutoring center and Lia is out shopping. I have no clue what else that girl could possibly need. When I asked her, she said “New clothes for the apartment, silly.” Of course! Why hadn’t I thought of that?
Rather glumly, Cammie is packing up some dishes and silverware in the kitchen. As I close the door behind me, I walk over to her and hop up onto the pale blue Formica counter. “Based on the look on your face, I guess he’s sticking by his decision, huh?” I pull a tortilla chip from the half-eaten bag on the counter next to me and crunch on it as she contemplates her answer.
Leaning back against the counter, she grabs a chip and bites into it rather forcefully. Crossing her arms over her chest, she sighs. A resigned look flits across her pretty face. “Yeah, he is. I know it’s what’s best for him, but I hate the idea of being apart from him for a whole year.”
I jump down from the counter and grab two bottles of water out of the fridge. Handing her one, I say, “But you’ll visit him and he’ll visit you. Chicago isn’t
Huffing a sigh again, she concedes. “I know. I know. I’m being a total girl over this. It’s just that we’ve been together for five years now and we’ve never been more than a two hour drive away from each other.” Sipping her water, she adds, “And now he’s going to be starting a huge part of his life without me and it’s scary.”
Jack will be moving to Chicago in just a few weeks to start his two-year grad-school program for Physical Therapy. At the end of it, he’ll be a real doctor and everything. It’s weird to think of Solo-cup-filling Jack being called Dr. Parker.
I wrap my arm around her shoulder and give her a tight squeeze. “Cammie, you two are the strongest couple I have ever met. While it might take some getting used to, I know that you’ll make it.”
Lia takes this opportunity to barrel through the door carrying way too many bags for her own good. “Did you leave anything behind for anyone else?” I joke as I help her with the bags.
“Oh, shut it! I got lots of stuff for the apartment. I want it to be pretty,” Lia declares as she starts pulling scented candles and colorful vases out of the bags. There’s no denying it; the girl has a serious sense of style. I am more than willing to let her decorate our place for us.
“This is all really pretty,” I remark as I let a purple table runner glide through my fingers.
“I know! I’m good, right?” she says proudly.
